The Fightins'
July 3 Game Recap: Phillies 12, Pirates 4
Posted by Tug Haines at 11:35 am ET 14 Comments

Excuse me while I breathe on my fingernails, then rub them on my shirt. Is there even a name for that move? Let’s move on.

First of all, to all the haters who said I was crazy for thinking Cody Ransom could be as good a hitter as Ted Williams: He’s batting .400, suckers! Read it and weep!

I started drinking at 11 AM O’Clock in the morning and didn’t stop until my head hit the Steelers pillow on my friend’s couch early this morning. I dreamt that I was hanging out with Jimmy Rollins in West Virginia when Uzbekistan started carpet-bombing the shit out of us. Then I woke up and drank some coffee and now here I am.

P.S. The Phillies kicked the shit out of the Pirates last night. It was pretty sweet, BUT! BUT! BUT! that’s what they’re ‘POSED to do. So I enjoyed it at the time, but let’s just say I’m not convinced, okay? Like the usher said to me last night, “You are fickle people.” And like I responded, “That’s right.” Mostly because if you’re old enough to have an AARP card, I shouldn’t have to explain that a 2-run lead in the first inning of a ballgame, while promising, is no real reason to be exuberant.

Kyle Rodney Kendrick (W, 5-3) is like a 1995 Ford Taurus: he won’t always get you where you need to go, but it’s always a pleasant surprise when he does, and you can’t afford something that’s not a piece of shit anyway.

Cody Ransom is better than Greg Dobbs.

The Rest of the Guys hit everything several times.

Paul Maholm (L, 5-7) took a page from the book of Homer Simpson: don’t just be a failure, be a spectacular failure. That’s paraphrased, by the way.

Andrew McCutchen is still my favorite current Pirate.


14 Responses to “July 3 Game Recap: Phillies 12, Pirates 4”

  1. Sean says:

    Tug, +1 for this game recap. hysterical.

    Thumb up 1
  2. maxL says:

    I don’t think Andrew McCutchen has much competition on that front, Tug.

    Thumb up 0
  3. Chris says:

    Dash should be threatened by these recaps.

    Thumb up 1
  4. Droppin Fuckin Gloads says:

    Great recap. I didn’t even see most of the game, now I feel like I was actually there.

    Thumb up 0
  5. TonyIsDynamic says:

    No Jamie in the All-Star game. :(

    Thumb up 2
  6. TonyIsDynamic says:

    Phillies All-Stars:

    Halladay, Utley (injured).

    Looks like that’s it…

    Thumb up 0
  7. TonyIsDynamic says:

    Howard’s in too.

    Thumb up 0
  8. ? says:

    Wait, so Howard is going to be in the game?

    Thumb up 0
  9. TonyIsDynamic says:


    Him and Adrian Gonzales are the 1B reserves.

    Thumb up 0
  10. ? says:

    Thanks Tony, I walked away and missed all that

    Thumb up 0
  11. Uncle Charlie's hands says:

    no philly deserves to be in the all star game

    Thumb up 0
  12. will.H says:

    some do, maybe not as starters. it’d be nice to break the 14 year winless streak. martin prado isn’t going to cut it against lee, sabathia, etc.

    watch, he’ll be the mvp

    Thumb up 0
  13. Phylan says:

    Charlie has good money riding on the AL, it was a practical consideration

    Thumb up 0
  14. Phylan says:

    Sorry Joey Votto your line may be nearly identical to that of Albert Pujols but you’re not nearly PRE-EMINENT enough

    Thumb up 2

Leave a Reply

Written by Tug Haines


Visit The Fightins Store
R.I.P Harry Kalas