I decided, probably against my better judgment, to do a running diary of this year’s All Star Game. Don’t ask me why, because I truthfully have better things to do (not really) on a Tuesday night than sit on my couch with a laptop while trying to make jokes that no one but me is going to find hilarious. The last time I attempted this was during the Oscars back in February, with mixed results. So if you like baseball and silly jokes, this might just be for you.

Anyhow, it’s about 2,500 words over three hours of mind-numbing entertainment.

Begin your journey into the mad world that is my brain after the jump.

7:59 Live (but not really!) from Dash Treyhorn’s living room, its the 2009 All Star Game! Grab a beer, a milkshake, or a Pedialite, because we’re in for a long one. I heard they added a new rule that requires all pitchers to take at least one lap around the mound in between pitches. By the time you read this, the game is over, and it is likely time for the next All Star Game (which will also count.) I hope you stick around to the bitter end as I try to be funny for the next five hours.

8:01 It’s been 52 seconds, and I’m already tired of of Joe Buck.

8:03 Wait, this the pregame? Is this the Oscars? When the eff does the game start? Thursday?

8:04 Barack Obama is shaking hands with the players. He seems like a cool guy. Ichiro looks downright giddy as Obama signs a baseball for him. Someone probably told him it was Denzel Washington.

8:06 Did you know this one counts? It does, son.

8:09 Lady Treyhorn just asked me if they introduced Kevin Youkilis as “Astronaut Jones.”

8:09 Andrew Bailey? Oakland? They must be an expansion team.

8:10 Ben Zobrist sounds like a name that Bill Cosby made up for one of his routines. Thank you to everyone over the age of 28 who got that one.

8:11 Ladies and gentlemen, you’re 2009 National Leauge All Stars…and someone from the Washington Nationals!

8:11 Ted Lilly got booed. Where is Joe Buck’s faux outrage? Oh wait, the fans in St. Louis never boo. My fault.

8:12 Ryan Howard is the man, and Jayson Werth’s mom is hot. That is all.

8:13 I don’t think that Ryan Franklin shaved since Charlie Manuel demoted him to the bullpen.

8:14 Chris Berman just called and introduced him as Matt “RAISING” Cain. Thanks, Chris.

8:14 I wonder how many times Ichiro used the C-word during his pep talk. The over/under is at eight. Taking the over.

8:14 Jason Bay just looks glad to be out of Pittsburgh.

8:15 Hey everyone, did you know that Josh Hamilton used to be an addict? Because he did. He used to do drugs. And now he doesn’t. I wasn’t aware if everyone knew that.

8:15 Hello, Roy Halladay. See you soon.

8:16 Your manager, Charlie Manuel. I think he just said to Joe Maddon “I hope your 2 through 4 guys don’t go ohfer 35 like last October.”

8:17 While Pujols is getting an 11 minute ovation, I’ll pose this question to you: I heard that CitiField is going to host an ASG in a few years. What about The Bank?

8:18 RAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUL!

8:18 David Wright just said to Charlie: “So what’s it like to play on a team that doesn’t choke it away in September?” Zing.

8:19 Lady Treyhorn just said “Name that Molina!” when Yadier was introduced. She’s a swell gal.

8:20 I’m getting food during the “People All Stars” montage. Don’t judge me.

8:22 Did Bill Clinton do anything but drinks booze during the last nine years? Did Karl Malden and W.C. Fields’ noses mate and land on Clinton’s face?

8:23 Jimmy Carter looks like a muppet turtle.

8:25 I dig this People All Stars thing. It’s their second best charity. Their first best? Allowing the Pirates to still have a team. (I kid, Pittsburgh. Not really. Eat it, Matt Capps.)

8:26 Honestly, did Jimmy Carter just come from Fragglerock?

8:28 The game still hasn’t started yet. This one counts.

8:29 Michael Strahan is getting a television shoe? And “Brothers” was the best name for it? It couldn’t be called “Giant Failure”? GET IT! Another three hours of these, folks.

8:31 Damnit, it’s Sheryl Crow. Oh wait, I forgot what she looks like. Hello, Sheryl.

8:32 I like that she didn’t turn the Star Spangled Banner into a pissing contest. I’m looking at you, Fantasia Barino.

8:32 A stealth bomber? HOW CAN THE FANS EVEN SEE IT!?!?!

8:33 There are STILL more pre-game ceremonies? Lincecum should have eight strikeouts and Joe Buck should have made five comments about Josh Hamilton’s addiction by now.

8:36 Holy eff, The Cleveland Show looks awful. That’s what happens when one guy (Seth McFarlane) gets too popular. Kind of like when Alan Alda started to direct episodes of M*A*S*H.

8:37 Stan The Man is entering…and is that a bullpen car? (Again, thanks to all the readers above the age of 28 who know what I’m talking about.)

8:38 You would what would be funny? If Musial and Obama drove in together. I smell a sitcom!

8:39 I am officially terrified that Barack is going to fail miserably, and I don’t know if I can take that. He bowled a 30. If he throws it in the dirt, the terrorists win.

8:40 Obama walked to the mound and threw within three seconds. His form was terrible, but you didn’t see where the ball went. Did they just shoot around his first pitch? Was the camera in the ground? You couldn’t see anything! It’s like when they put Tom Cruise closer to the camera to make him look taller. Someone has it on a camera phone. It’s like the Zapruder film.

8:42 Tim McCarver just said “bianic.” Good god, the game didn’t even start and I already want to injure myself.

8:43 Joe Buck just said “If there is one player that we are going to talk about, who will it be?” He said Pujols. How many thought he was going to say Josh Hamilton? Did you know he had a drug addiction?

8:44 This one apparently counts, but only if it lasts over six hours.

8:45 Is it starting?  Nope, just a commercial for “Fringe.” Wasn’t that guy on “Dawson’s Creek”? What ever happened to James Van Der Beek? Still going to school at Brown?

8:46 I wonder if Joe Buck is embarrassed for having to read the promo for orphan. “There’s something wrong with Esther!”

8:49 And the game still hasn’t started yet.

8:50 Woo! First pitch!

8:51 Lincecum vs. Ichiro is a good matchup. Get an eye-full of this pitcher, America.

8:52 “Often with two strikes, he will try to avoid getting a third strike.” – Fake Tim McCarver

8:52 Leadoff single from Ichiro. That is his 125th hit in an All Star Game.

8:53 Jeter just took one on the hand/bat. This one counts, Derek.

8:55 Uh oh, can we get a walk0ff walk in the top of the first?

8:56 Almost had a 2-5-3 double play, but David Wright made a very lazy throw. He is getting an early start on his late-season choke.

8:57 Albert Pujols with the costly error, AL up, 1-0.

8:58 Josh Hamilton is up, and he used to do heroin.

8:59 Hamilton grounded into what should have been a double play, Lincecum’s hair slowed him down when running to first. 2-0, AL.

9:00 I like the Bob Dylan/Will.I.Am Pepsi commercial, because I get to see the dog pile at The Bank, circa October 29, 2008.

9:02 Even the commercials are long.

9:03 For my money, the NL has a better lineup.

9:03 Hanley Ramirez, leading off against Doc Halladay. Sharp groundout to second. One away.

9:04 Fake Joe Morgan: Hanley Ramirez has good speed because his legs can move fast.

9:04 Chase Utley and his white shoes are facing off against his future teammate. Awkward.

9:05 Groundout to first, two away.

9:07 Tim McCarver just said “It was A-Rod, now it’s Pujols.” If you hear that while drunk, it sounds really, really dirty.

9:08 And the NL goes down without a fight. 1-0 AL.

9:10 And we’re back! Someone just grounded out to someone else. I dunno what happened.

9:11 Roy Halladay doesn’t have a decal on his helmet! That’s crazy! I just got word that the NFL just fined him.

9:14 Quick inning for Lincecum. 2-0, AL.

9:14 In other news, the new Harry Potter movie is out, which means all the virgins are in one place tonight. I bet the hookers can make a killing outside of Loew’s.

9:17 Obama is in the broadcast booth. I think there is also a baseball game going on, but I can’t be sure.

9:18 RAAAAAUUUUUL is up.

9:19 RAAAAAUUUUUL with the 4-3 groundout.

9:20 Barack is leaning back in his chair, as he searches for something nice to say about the Nationals. He settles on “They have a new ballpark.” That’s kind of like saying “Well, she has a good sense of humor” when you’re friend tells you about the ugly girl he wants you to meet.

9:21 David Wright with the first hit for the NL, followed up by Shane hitting a rocket to right field. Two on, two out for Yadier Molina. No questions asked.

9:23 Yadier ties the game up, and Shane nearly bowled over the third base umpire. NQA.

9:25 “Vegetarian” Prince Fielder with a ground rule double. NL is up 3-2. Halladay gave up three runs, do the Phils really want him?

9:26 Obama was just told that he had to leave. Really? He’s the president, he can’t use his executive powers to stay in the booth?

9:29 The game is back on, but it’s tiny. Like a screen-within-a-screen. Someone is really effing up at Fox tonight. Which is kind of like saying “Dane Cook is making bad jokes tonight.”

9:31 During the interview with Doc Halladay, the audio went dead. I think Halladay was saying “Save me. Please, save me.”

9:33 Ryan Franklin is looking good. I didn’t know he moonlighted as the bass player for Anthrax, too.

9:36 Chase Utley is 0 for 2 on the night. But I guess that what happens when he bats with this World Series ring on.

9:41 Dan Haren is in to pitch in the top of the fourth. McCarver just called him “Herring.” Just remembered that he was traded for Mark Mulder and Kiko Calero, who sounds like he could be the mayor of Gumdropville.

9:45 Inning over. 3-2, NL.

9:47 G.I. Joe looks like terrible. Like Transformers 2 raped Mission: Impossible, only except it was directed by a drunk McG.

9:49 In case you all forgot, this one counts.

9:50 RAAAUUUULLL with a first pitch pop-up off Zac Grienke. S’ok, Raul. I still think you’re neat.

9:52 Grienke has some nasty pitches. Very, very nasty.

9:53 Just saw the commercial for “Funny People.” Maybe it’s me, but I feel like this movie is a little self-aggrandizing and elitist. Anyone agree, or am I spinning my wheels? Maybe I’m just exhausted because I’ve been listening to Tim and Joe for two hours.

9:56 Time for a short break while Chad Billingsley blows the lead.

9:58 Chase Utley’s gem brought me back. Damn that guy has good instincts.

10:04 Aaaaand Billingsley just blew the lead. And the comment at 9:56 written eight minutes before that happened. It’s called skillz, people. And they pay the bills.

10:05 Wow. All three outs in the inning were made by great defensive plays. What a game! (slight sarcasm)

10:09 Edwin Jackson is on the mound. Remember when he gave up a homer to Joe Blanton? I do.

10:10 Ryan Zimmerman, the lone Washington National (You mean Scott Olson didn’t make it?) Flies out on the first pitch. See you next year, Ryan. How many years until free agency?

10:11 Inning over, 3-3. They’ve been playing for about 90 minutes, and it’s the top of the sixth. Maybe it only feels longer because the pregame started at 5AM Monday.

10:14 Trevor Hoffman, the owner of 20 saves and a 2.05 ERA, gets out of the inning thanks to a double play started by Chutley.

10:17 I’m  exhausted. If you’re still reading, thank you. I might recommend a girlfriend, though.

10:20 Pujols is likely having his last at-bat. I’m calling it that he goes yard.

10:20 Instead, he grounds out weakly and is 0 for 3.

10:21 Justin Upton is a five tool player. Joe Buck is just a tool. Zing.

10:22 Before Upton grounds out, they showed a close-up of some bald, serene looking guy in a suit. Turns out it’s a character from “Fringe.” Still pretty creepy. One of my Twitter peeps said “I thought it was James Carville at first. Scary.”

10:33 Just did some research on the guy from “Fringe.” He is called “the observer” and he is played by Michael Cerveris. Apparently, it’s part of some viral marketing campaign that’s including American Idol, the NFL, Nascar and now the All Star Game. He just stands here and is never spoken about or announced. Creeeeepy.

10:34 Carlo Crawford just robbed Brad Hawpe of a homer. Great play. THIS ONE COUNTS!

10:36 Did Tim McCarver just say that Jayon Werth’s mom was in the stadium? WHERE IS SHE? DAMN YOU FOX, SHOW HER!

10:38 Joe Buck just told me to forget everything I knew about fantasy football…so here goes…done. Now what?

10:39 After seven, it’s all tied up. Good thing this one counts, otherwise it would be a completely meaningless game that could end in a tie with no one caring.

10:44 Curtis Granderson legs out a triple to put the go-ahead run at third base with less than two outs. Charlie is now walking Victor Martinez to face Adam Jones. Strategy in the All Star Game! This one counts!

10:47 Adam Jones with a sac fly to right to put the AL ahead. Anyone else bet that Heath Bar Bell would have given up the go ahead run? Yea, me too.

10:50 Just heard the discussion that Kevin Youkilis is the MVP of the AL because he doesn’t make a lot of money. That might be the smartest thing or the dumbest thing that I’ve ever heard.

10:52 Just found out that driver’s fatigue is dangerous. What about blogger fatigue?

10:56 Brian McCann? More like Brian McCan’t! HA!

10:59 Just heard that AL pitchers have retired 18 in a row before walking Adrian Gonzalez. That’s fancy.

11:01 Orlando Hudson singled off the glove of Jason Bartlett to keep the rally alive. And St. Louis native, RYAN HOWARD comes to the plate with his .393/5/12 line as a pinch hitter.

11:05 The tension is palpable.

11:06: Check swiiing and a miss. Howard goes down, 4-3 AL heading into the ninth.

11:10 Francisco Rodriguez is in the game to hopefully not put the NL down by any more runs. One pitch one out to Brandon “I was in the home run derby, remember?” Inge.

11:12 Jayson Werth with a very pretty catch in dead center. K-Rod gives him props. Going to the bottom of the ninth, AL up 4-3.

11:13 I smell a rally.

11:17 One out, the AL inches closer to their 23rd straight win in the ASG.

11:19 Two down. I want to go to bed.

11:21 Game over. Thanks for playing, National League.

11:22 Jonathan Papelbon took the win, Heath Bar Bell took the loss, and Mariano Rivera earned the save.

11:24 Okay kiddies, it’s been fun. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing this. Sorry it got reeeeaaaaally boring towards the end. But really, there is only so much Buck and McCarver that one can take before their brain spirals into a descent of madness. Goodnight.

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