Or the alternative title, “Biggest Load of Fucking Shit Ever Unsuspectingly Dumped on Someone Since that Time You Let Your Boyfriend Try Anal” (that title’s for the experienced ladies out there).

Some stupid ass, cock-backwards, buttmunching organization called the American Sportscasters Association (failed original name: Douchebags & Retards Anonymous) decided to put a list out of the top 50 Sportscasters. Sure, a bullshit list devised to get my titties in a knot. Go ahead, list some decent names, and then just skullfuck me until you destroy my frontal lobes enough to render me inept in the ability to understand the difference between a good sportscaster (i.e. Vin Scully) and some big-toothed nutsack (i.e. Bill Walton) or some douche (i.e. Joe Buck) who basically equates fake mooning with forced sodomy. Scroll down to #41 for the bullshittiest ranking of 2009.

The list:

#1 Vin Scully: A fucking legend, good choice

#5 Howard Cosell: Once again, a legend for MNF

#6 Bob Costas: Generally a douche and a anti-blog pussy, but when he puts the journalism aside, I guess he’s decent.

#9 Al Michaels: Overexaggerates in his later years, but still decent.

#29 John Madden: (see Michaels, Al)

#31 Joe Buck: You fucking serious? That pussy? He doesn’t give a shit about baseball, and is a sniveling, closet egomaniac (see Costas, Bob).

#35 Chris Berman: …

#39 Bill Walton: Okayyyyyyy… WHERE THE FUCK IS HARRY THE K!?!? Are all sportscasting polls this assbackwards? Fuck Bill Walton.

#41 Harry Kalas: This is a fucking disgrace. Joe Buck, ‘the jack[off] of all trades’, is a worse baseball announcer. Oh, and Joe’s primary sport, football? Harry wipes Joe’s dick in the dirt and then spoonfeeds it to him with his Westwood One broadcasts.

Another disgusting aspect of this list, Dick Vitale is only 6 spots below Harry. I know Harry might have fallen off in recent years, but to put him in the bottom 10 with Cock Vitale and Cock Stockton (#48), fuck that list.

Fuck you, American Sportscasters Association. Someone will have to fist you elbow deep to get your head from outta your ass.

Fuck your list.

(Courtesy LA Daily News via Deadspin)

…he’s a dipshit, fuckface, assmunch. Larry “Chipper” Jones decided to open his little bitch mouth recently, and suprisingly, didn’t injure it whilst speaking. Ask for douchedom, and thou shalt receive:

We won for 14 consecutive years, and you never, ever saw any bulletin board material. And now that these two teams are on top of the division, they can’t keep their mouths shut. Just go play baseball. It’s Cole Hamels now. It was Jimmy Rollins and Carlos Beltran the past couple of springs. These two teams are constantly going at each other verbally. You know, win with class, lose with class. Just keep your mouth shut and go play your game.

Hey, nutsack-face, why don’t you play a fucking full season before you talk shit on our shit.  Maybe once you and that fat wife-beating fuck of a manager can survive an entire season without you rupturing each other’s anuses, you’ll have something to talk about.

*FAKE UPDATE: Chipper broke 3 bones in his ear by picking up the phone too quickly*

And don’t you dare talk shit on Cole Hamels. Cole Hamels is the closest thing there is to a deity. Fuck you, Larry Jones, eat piss. You just jealous that your fans don’t give a shit. Enjoy your NASCAR rivalries, and learn to keep your fucking mouth shut and play your game when you are the defending WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS.

From Wikipedia:

The nickname “Chipper” came from family members who felt he was a “chip-off-the-old-block” of his father.

Here’s hoping Cole Hamels takes a chip off your blockhead in ‘09! Ass.

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