Whew. That was pretty exciting, wasn’t it? I’m still recovering (mentally and physically) from Monday night’s 5-4 comeback win over the Rockies, a victory that sent the Phillies into the NLCS for the second straight year. It’s amazing, really: The Phillies, who have spent most of my life being an absolutely horrid team — my grandfather used to tell that old joke about how they’re the strongest team in the National League, because they’re always holding everyone else up at the bottom — are now in the NLCS! Again! I’m still trying to wrap my head around this.

And, of course, it’s time for a prediction. The obvious answer here is Phillies in 5, because I can’t make lame jokes about how these games are going to finish for more than five games. (For the record, before the postseason I picked the Phillies in 6.)

Game 1
This is the one the Phillies are going to lose, unfortunately. Cole Hamels, who will drive out to the mound on his Camaro, will celebrate his return to the NLCS by giving up a home run to some crappy player, as he seems to have done all season. Let’s say Dodgers, 6-3. The New York Times’s game recap will mention how we are one step closer to the first ever performance-enhancing drug free World Series. Larry Bowa celebrates the NLCS Game 1 win by calling a reporter over to a side room and sucker-punching him as he enters (this actually happened, when Bowa was a Phillies SS).

Game 2
The Phillies fight back with… oh, let’s say, Pedro Martinez on the mound. After giving up a first-inning three-run homer, Martinez shuts down the Dodgers and the Phillies rally for a 7-4 victory. After Jimmy Rollins hits the go-ahead homer, Shane Victorino celebrates by saying, “Fuck yeah, mofos! I’m gonna be celebrating this crazy fuckin’ win all night!” TBS plays the video three times.

Game 3
The series returns to Philadelphia and Cliff Lee tosses a complete-game shutout and a 4-0 win for the Phillies. TBS’s Chip Caray announces postgame that the Dodgers have taken a 3-0 series lead with their incredible 15-12 victory tonight, thanks to four homers by Jackie Robinson. The Phillies’ newest fan club, the Lee Pack, celebrates.

Game 4
The Phillies coast in this one, 10-5; in other good news for those of us watching at home, George Lopez’s late night talk show is canceled before it begins and the avocado goes extinct.

Game 5
What else? The Phillies win this one, 7-5, on a 2-run homer by Matt Stairs in the bottom of the eighth. Brad Lidge closes out the game and celebrates by calling Rob Neyer into a side room offering him out for continuing to harp on how bad he was all season. (That’s the job of Phillies’ fans!) The Phillies’ new newest fan club, the Hamels Flotilla, celebrates. The Times laments that noted drug-free player Manny Ramirez will not make the World Series; ESPN attempts to hold its own alternate Series after the Yankees are, too, eliminated by a walkoff walk by Bobby Abreu (ALCS stats: 0-0, 20 BBs).

These predictions accurate or your money back. Let’s go Phils!

Each day(-ish) during the postseason, Dan McQuade will write about the Phillies’ chance at a second straight World Series title. You can usually read his thoughts on baseball at Walkoff Walk. He posted part of this as a draft, accidentally, with only about half of it done, at first. He thinks it was funnier then.

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