I just want to congratulate Gregg Doyel (spellchecked: “Greg Doyle”) for picking up on this story eight days after it happened. That’s quality journalism. Wait until he finds out that Gene Upshaw died!

In one of his latest shovelfuls of hypertexcrement, “Philly’s boo babies bark, can’t take Rollins’ bite,” Gregg agrees with Jimmy Rollins’ public assessment of Phillies fans as front-runners. Also, it would appear that Doyel has never heard boos before. These noises must frighten and confuse him, compelling him to write a column about it. Now, here’s what this genius postulates about us “babies”:

“Look, Philly fans, you can’t have it both ways. If you’re going to dish it, you have to be able to take it. Flick a player in the nose all you want, but when one of them flicks you back, you have to smirk and let him know it didn’t hurt. Otherwise, you’re nothing but a schoolyard bully — strong because you have all that size, but weak as soon as someone fights back.”

Oh, my, where to begin dissecting this brilliant editorial deduction? OK, here’s what Doyel believes:
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Rollins’ First Law of Emotion: “…for every action, there’s a reaction.”

A noble experiment though it was, “Campaign Cheer” failed in its quest to persuade the faithful at Citizens Bank Park to refrain from making all but the most supportive noises. The urge to boo Jimmy Rollins was too great to resist, and watching the shortstop go hitless again did little to soothe the savage beasts.

“If they want to boo me, that’s fine. Boo me. Just keep it off everyone else. . . . You had some cheers, you had some boos. Like I said, when you get the win, they’ll cheer you.”

Cheering after a victory? Typical Philadelphia fan mentality. I’ll bet they’re unhappy when the team loses, too, the ungrateful bastards.

If nothing else, the outpouring of Rollins’ soul brought forth what may be my favorite J-Roll quote, ever:

That should be on a T-shirt, you say? Consider it done!

A brief word of advice when engaging someone at a party in conversation: If what you’re about to say is prefaced by the phrase, “Now I know this might sound a bit racist, but…” Guess what? It’s going to sound more than a little bit racist. It’s going to sound really fucking racist. (e.g., “Now I know this might sound a bit racist, but I wish black people had a stronger work ethic.”)

If I’m a friend of yours and I’m standing next to you when you utter this non-disclaimer disclaimer, I no longer know who you are, and I’m abandoning you in search of wherever they’re packing the bong.

I’m a strong advocate of free speech (one of those wacko “libertarians” you may have been warned about), but that doesn’t excuse the speaker from any well-deserved chastisement by his audience over the inherent stupidity of his comments. When Thomas Jefferson and his colleagues drafted the Bill of Rights, the First Amendment did not include the emphasized addendum:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. Unless, of course, those people happen to be blithering assholes.

Jefferson took it on good faith that people would rarely, if ever, abuse their right to free speech in order to say or write something so utterly contemptible that it would make him think twice about the matter. Of course, Tommy Boy never got to read the Comments section over at Philly.com.

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