If the Phillies first pick in the ‘09 draft Kelly Dugan ever becomes a major leaguer, he will be relieved. Notsomuch that he is a success and achieved something he wants to achieve, but that he won’t be inundated of questions like “what is it like have a famous Hollywood director as a dad?”. Every reporter will come up with some witty way to rephrase this, and Kelly Dugan will have to resist the urge to skullfuck every half-ass reporter as they spout stupidity, such as: “which is a brighter light, the Hollywood radar, or the big league show”, “have any of your actor friends taught you how to mentally derail an opposing hitter” and “is it true that you were seen at the Chateau Marmont getting a ‘tuggy’ from starlet Helen Mirren?”.

All stupid questions coming from dumbasses. Every titwad thinking they are so unique in connecting him with his Hollywood past. On that note, let me talk about Dugan’s Hollywood brosephs congratulating him on his draft! Specifically, this picture:

See the fatty 3rd on the left, with the shitty facial hair? That’s shitty movie actor, decent TV show creator, and even shittier stand up (if you haven’t seen his stand up, it’s a lot like Dane Cook, only with trans fats) comic Kevin James. But there’s something strange about that…

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Yeah, I haven’t posted lately. I had a hot lead that involved some Facebook stalking, but it fizzled out. That, and buying some bad…uh, cookies… had me out of it for a day or two.

Fresh off Charlie Manuel Day (which I think means you can urinate in public, punch cops, and commit any felony your heart desires) in Buena Vista, Chuck had some musings. The one that struck me was this:

“I’ll always feel (like a) part of Buena Vista,” Manuel told reporters on Saturday. “If you want to know the truth, I feel like I am Buena Vista. I feel like I own Buena Vista.”

Bullshit, you belong to Philly. Your southern twang and willingness to fight trollish WIP ‘talking [dick]heads’ makes you Philly. Fuck Buena Vista (which I always thought was in California). But that can be forgotten with the deliciousness of this quote:

“They’d come up and touch you and tell you that they love you and stuff,” he continued. “That’s one of the biggest things about it. Everything about it became real, and that’s the part that I’ll always remember. It was one of the best things that I’ve ever had happen to me in sports.”

I love you (in a platonic, non-old man crush, way), Charlie Manuel. Fake celebrity ass after the jump.

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Are we, as Phillies fans, assholes? Of course, lovable assholes. “Eat this you stupid, stupid little girl.” *throws mustard packet at Joe Maddon’s granddaughter*. The kind that lovingly shit in your mailbox, yell ‘Choooooooooch’ at an abortion ceremony, kick your Mets’ loving-Wawa devoid-SNY watching-shitty accent having-Sbarro inventing ’selves in the dick.

Assholes or not, as Delaware Valleyians, we will never be as annoying as one group. That group being those douches in Boston. Fuck Boston. I repeat, FUCK BOSTON. Fuck the nation.

The Bleacher Report’s Scott Eisenlohr agrees. After claims of more World Serieses (Seriesi? Once again, I call for the help of English Majors)for our beloved Phils, Scott unleashes this declaration to all the Marky Marks and Matt Damons out there:

“But we ain’t sharing this one wit’ ch’all. Hey, John Kerry, get outta town asking for a cheesesteak w’ swizz cheese. You ain’t one of us, and you ain’t welcome here.”

“We will take out-of-town fans, but more likely than not, fans outside of Philadelphia love to hate us more than to become one of our own.”

Fuck yeah. Fuck everybody. That has always been my motto (along with “You Go, Girl” and “Live Fast. Die“). No Phillies Nation, no horrible SNL/Conan shout-outs, no “hey, brah”. Just lunacy, asshole tauntery, inebriation, foul bloggers, Sarge hats, and every car on it’s hood.

Eat shit, all those who don’t want to be a part of this. Johan Hegg would have wanted it this way.

And because I started this post 2 days ago (I was busy cleaning a girl’s puke off my iPod, plus I can’t stop listening to Ensiferum), TITTIES!!

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• BigMiles on Which One is More Likely?
• Matt on Which One is More Likely?
• Lynniemac on Which One is More Likely?
• Lynniemac on Playoff Diary: Nearly Bartmanesque
• RJ on Playoff Diary: Nearly Bartmanesque