Ahhhhh, it must be nice being the recipient of all the perks that come along with being an All-Star center fielder for the 2-time defending NL Champions… first class flights, stretch limos with complimentary bar service, celebrity friends, VIP treatment at the establishment of your choosing, red carpet treatment at the Grammys, free Lasik vision eye surgery (*record scratch*)

Wait a second!  How’d that last one get in there?  Ah, who cares — FREE LASIK!

Take a listen:

You know what’s not a smart move for a shitty gossip rag of newspaper to do right before Game 1 of the World Series? Run a horribly photoshopped picture of Shane Victorino wearing a cheerleader outfit on the front page.

I don’t know if you can remember last year’s playoffs, shitty newspaper, but when your Yankees were swinging golf clubs and banging 50-year old pop stars, Shane Victorino was taking your newly purchased ace, C.C. Sabathia, deeeep into the left field bleachers for a grand fucking slam en route to a World Fucking Championship.

“Fuck yeah, dmac!” to my boy at PhillyWillDo for sending the clip over.

No questions asked. Fuck yeah.

Courtesy of dmac at PhiladelphiaWillDo, here’s the audio:

Play it over and over again fellas. 6:05 tonight, Clifton Phifer goes for the win in the series clincher.

During last night’s laugher of a home game, one of the few bright spots came when Shane Victorino scored from 3rd on a Yorman Bazardo balk in the bottom of the sixth to bring the Fightins back to within a run.  As soon as it happened, Shane pointed at the pitcher as to say, “hefuckingbalkednoquestionsasked.”  Then, that Bazardo fella looked confused as to why he was called for the balk, so homeplate umpire Tim Tschida did a demonstration that combined a little bit of Leslie Nielsen from Naked Gun with some sort of two-step.  I think.

Have a looksee:

Phillies centerfielder Shane Victorino debuted his new hairstyle last night during the Phillies heartbreaking loss against the Washington Nationals. After grounding out to end the fifth inning, Shane stood near first base while waiting for one of his teammates to fetch his hat and glove. Then he took off his helmet, and…

GAH!

I don’t mean to sound tactless, Shane, but the top of your head looks like a freshly shorn vagina.

The esteemed MattP has a couple more pics over at The 700 Level.

It’s like if Mighty Mouse decided to take up baseball. You look great, Shane:

MUCH better than that David Wright character.

If you were watching the Phillies game on FOX with the sound on yesterday, besides being very brave, you got to hear a story as told by pint-sized reporter Ken Rosenthal explaining how Pedro Martinez had the gall to carry around a bag with the Mets logo on it for road trips. Obviously, a couple guys in the locker room took exception to Pedro’s choice of accessory, and made him get rid of it.

Kenny Albert then asked Rosenthal to retell the semi-amusing anecdote during the broadcast, so he did.

V e r y s l o w l y:

A little black bag, kind of for his personal effects. It had a Mets logo on it, the Phillies took notice of this and basically ordered him to dump it. Which he did. And he said to Jimmy Rollins — actually shouted — “You’re my witness.”

Rollins replied, “Cut the umbilical cord.”

So you thought — well, the scene might be over, but Shane Victorino took the bag out of the garbage, mounted it on top of the television set, the big screen TV in the Phillies clubhouse, and he told Pedro to burn it.

I don’t think anyone is giving Ken the ‘Storyteller of the Year’ award anytime soon, so we never found out if he actually burned it or not. Or why Shane put the bag on top of a big screen TV before telling him to set it on fire, but hey — it was informative nonetheless.

After the jump, check out a couple screenshots of eccentric Pedro’s bullpen antics from this weekend, as well as the brand-spanking-new Birdland x The Fightins t-shirt honoring the 3-time Cy Young Award winner.

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I pictured Shane’s happy place as more of a room full of spam musubi with Bob Marley music playing, most likely including some herbal enhancement, rather than a day at Sesame Place.

Notice Ed Rapuano is not present.

Shane Victorino goes to his happy place l Philly.com

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