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Posts Tagged ‘previews y’all!’

Posted by at 3:51 pm ET 12 Comments

*Peruse not so much as a preview, but more as a “we’re Philly, fuck you other cities” evaluation.

Cincinnati’s biggest claim to fame is being the second most well known (grammar rape, mein apologies) city in Ohio. The city Cincinnati is runner up to is most known for being one half of every red-blooded American’s favorite name for the sexual act of shitting on another person’s inviting chest. Essentially, Cincinnati is the runner up to tit shit.

I will make the bold (and by bold, I mean meaningless and instantly forgettable) prediction (author’s note: fuck predictions) that the Reds will be embarrassed by the Phils. Tyler Clementi-level of embarrassment. Let’s make some comparisons regarding why Cincinnati blows, and Philly is cool.

-Cincinnati: Joe Morgan. Philadelphia: Chase Utley.

Now, I’m not the biggest Chase Utley fan. Is he a great  2nd baseman? Yes, but the guy has the personality of a bag of parsnips. I prefer to buy the shirtseys of Black Lava and Jimmy Rollins (Chooch is a tough find), because I’m not a stupid fuckin’ white girl from the suburbs who wants Chase Utley’s boring schlong. But Chase wins this battle, because Joe Morgan is fuckin’ intolerable. Next to Steve Phillips, he’s the most irritating baseball announcer on the planet. I’ll invest in the Cory Lidle School of Aviation before Ilisten to Joe Morgan. Motherfucker is dumb.

-Cincinnati was named one of the top 10 cities that rock by Esquire

First of all, fuck no. Cincinnati is not exactly New York or California, or even Tampa Bay (bad ass death metal scene). Cincinnati doesn’t fucking rock. It’s Cincinnati. Secondly, if Esquire magazine thinks your city rocks, your city is probably a little queer (Nickelback queer, not Freddie Mercury queer. Freddie Mercury was cool)when it comes to the rocking out department. Esquire thinks your cool. That’s like being compared to one of the fags from Entourage. It’s just sad.

-Dan Patrick, 98 Degrees, Seabiscuit, Charles Manson

In the order of most to least evil, these are people from Cincinnati. I’ll take Mumia over 98 Degress any day. Advantage: Philadelphia

-The Phillies beat the Reds on July 6, 2009 by a margin of 21 runs, handing them their largest defeat ever. Suck it.

This ends excruciatingly extensive statistical and factual baseball analysis.

Speaking of suckling, here are some fat tits:

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R.I.P Harry Kalas