Hey, everybody, how’ve ya been? I know you may be saying: “Hey, you talentless asswipe, where have you been? I, the Fightins loyal readership, have missed the ego boost I receive every week from your pathetic attempt at prose. I miss the feeling of my own normalcy compared to your inebriated delusions of grandeur. What happened to the titties? Is Josh Hamilton still a fucking pusswad? Does Sam Donellon still suck a greasy old horsecock? If I drench myself in others blood, am I sick? Where are the tits?”

Damn it’s tough being the Intahnets sexiest blogger. Damn it sucks waking up at 3AM. Damn it’s interesting when you no longer have the cognitive ability to differentiate your conscious and unconscious minds. And mostly, damn little children are fucking wastes of blood and organs.

Aside from the elderly, children are an awful race I would like to eliminate from the human landscape. I’ve always been on the very exclusive, pro-genocide bandwagon. Shit like the Toba incident just makes me hard in the penis area. But ‘Tardy, whyou so mean? Because of awful children and their fucking awful parents like this family:

Jennifer Valdivia filed a lawsuit Monday against the Philadelphia Phillies [Ryan Howard] for the rights to his 200th home run, which made Major League history as the player to reach the milestone the fastest.

Howard hit the home run at land Shark Stadium against the Florida Marlins on July 16, and as is customary, wanted the ball back.

So Phillies staff invited Valdivia to the club house for a one-on-one meeting with the star, which would have been enough for any other fan. But the Howard also autographed a baseball in exchange for the historic one.

The kid accepted the deal, but after she told her parents, the family told the Phillies and Howard they wanted the ball back.

Let me be the first to say it is socially acceptable to call a 12 year old girl an inconsiderate little asshole. This little kid displayed disgustingly mature qualities in holding onto something of value so she could get her fucking payday. When I was a kid, I went to the ballpark for the atmosphere, to oogle sluttily-dressed girls, and enjoy diarrhea-inducing food. This kid has none of my admirable qualities. Little fucking asshole. But it’s not entirely the kid that is infuriating, it’s more the awful parent that put her up to this. Some coozbag soccer mom in her velor jumpsuit acting like coozy old, unfucked housewives do. Suing celebrities because their worn out old beef lips don’t work, they can no longer get that early afternoon buzz from their box of wine, and their 20 cent off coupons have expired at the local Shoprite.

In the end, Black Lava was the bigger man. He gave the kid the stupid ball, and coozy old housewives that put frivolous lawsuits in motion celebrated everywhere by experiencing pleasure in what was once a human vagina, but now resembles a vacuum that sucks the last remaining shred of humanity we have left.

Fuck the Valveeda family and their frivolousness. You represent all that is wrong with everything.

Titties after the jump:

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