The Fightins'

Posts Tagged ‘mid-week titty post’

Oct
06
2010
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 3:51 pm ET 12 Comments

*Peruse not so much as a preview, but more as a “we’re Philly, fuck you other cities” evaluation.

Cincinnati’s biggest claim to fame is being the second most well known (grammar rape, mein apologies) city in Ohio. The city Cincinnati is runner up to is most known for being one half of every red-blooded American’s favorite name for the sexual act of shitting on another person’s inviting chest. Essentially, Cincinnati is the runner up to tit shit.

I will make the bold (and by bold, I mean meaningless and instantly forgettable) prediction (author’s note: fuck predictions) that the Reds will be embarrassed by the Phils. Tyler Clementi-level of embarrassment. Let’s make some comparisons regarding why Cincinnati blows, and Philly is cool.

-Cincinnati: Joe Morgan. Philadelphia: Chase Utley.

Now, I’m not the biggest Chase Utley fan. Is he a great  2nd baseman? Yes, but the guy has the personality of a bag of parsnips. I prefer to buy the shirtseys of Black Lava and Jimmy Rollins (Chooch is a tough find), because I’m not a stupid fuckin’ white girl from the suburbs who wants Chase Utley’s boring schlong. But Chase wins this battle, because Joe Morgan is fuckin’ intolerable. Next to Steve Phillips, he’s the most irritating baseball announcer on the planet. I’ll invest in the Cory Lidle School of Aviation before Ilisten to Joe Morgan. Motherfucker is dumb.

-Cincinnati was named one of the top 10 cities that rock by Esquire

First of all, fuck no. Cincinnati is not exactly New York or California, or even Tampa Bay (bad ass death metal scene). Cincinnati doesn’t fucking rock. It’s Cincinnati. Secondly, if Esquire magazine thinks your city rocks, your city is probably a little queer (Nickelback queer, not Freddie Mercury queer. Freddie Mercury was cool)when it comes to the rocking out department. Esquire thinks your cool. That’s like being compared to one of the fags from Entourage. It’s just sad.

-Dan Patrick, 98 Degrees, Seabiscuit, Charles Manson

In the order of most to least evil, these are people from Cincinnati. I’ll take Mumia over 98 Degress any day. Advantage: Philadelphia

-The Phillies beat the Reds on July 6, 2009 by a margin of 21 runs, handing them their largest defeat ever. Suck it.

This ends excruciatingly extensive statistical and factual baseball analysis.

Speaking of suckling, here are some fat tits:

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Nov
10
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 10:38 pm ET 124 Comments

What Went Wrong is a feature that may or may not be recurring because the collective mind rape of taking max credits and working a full time job will eventually cause the ‘Tard to implode into himself and forget about this.
If I’ve learned anything from my global travels and travails, it is that there are 2 things that everyone likes: spreadsheets *raises the roof for Excel* and titties. Everything on this plane of existence can be explained through nipples and correlation coefficients, so let me elaborate on why the WFC faltered to the cockgobbling Yankees.

Cole Hamels pitched like a total nutsac this season.Every cotdamn good start (very few of ‘em) would cause the John “rape me with a pitchfork” Clark and the 610 losers to slough off the epithelial layer of Cole’s aforementioned nutsac. They’d use this skin to cook their hobo chili and most fans would slurp it up like Tripp Eisen with a bucketful of 14 year old vaginal squirtings. Cole was extraordinarily inconsistent last year, a shutout followed by a 7 run outing. Terry Schiavo’s pussy could have been a less infuriating pitcher. But let me use pictures to explain, rather than those “words” that only old old people use these days. 2 generations of Titties and graphs after the jump:

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Aug
11
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 8:15 pm ET 28 Comments

If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that old people are miserable, rude, ornery, disrespectful, rude people. After the quote w’all heard from Muffin Wheeler during Sunday’s telecast, the Phillies seem to be in high spirits. Pedro is here! I have no problem moving to the bullpen! That midget is 3 and a half feet under (get it!), so we don’t have to install those infant urinals!

Well, most were in good spirits:

“Jamie Moyer said Tuesday that he is “not happy” with the Phillies’ decision to demote him to the bullpen in favor of Pedro Martinez.He described himself as “disheartened” and said he had been reassured by the front office during the offseason that such a scenario “would not happen.”

“I feel a little like I’ve been misled,” he said.”

Hey brah, didn’t you just say three days ago that you were happy with your career? Oh yeah, you did.  Some shit about how he’s glad just to be pitching and is really satisfied with his life right now. Anyone who watched the Sunday telecast heard Moyer say he was just jazzed about his place right now.

So don’t get your pantaloons in a knot, Grampy Moyer. You suck right now, so let’s see what P-Mart can give us. Talk tough when you aren’t giving up 11 hits in 5 innings of pitching.

Katy Perry’s baby feeders after the jump:

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Jul
29
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 12:35 am ET 12 Comments

Hi there, observant reader! Those familiar with my inane, angry, psychotic ramblings insightful posts are accustomed to my personal brand of “you stupid fucking moron, that’s the stupidest fucking idea I’ve ever heard” and “[Howdy S. Thompson]‘s opinion is the correct one, ya ‘ol coozbag”.

Some thought Ryan Madson would fill in as a closer admirably. Some didn’t. Inquiries were made about a washed-up fatty. They were beautifully untrue. Advice to not sign a washed up midget lover was ignored. A self-centered blogger used his own post to highlight his previous posts.

In regards to the recent stupid idea, ESPN (that network with the naked chick reporter and those enema-brained anchors) proposed a truly fucking stupid fucking idea. Let the literary colonic begin:

Brett Myers, eyeing a sooner-than-expected recovery from hip surgery, might return to the Philadelphia Phillies as a reliever rather than as a starter.

The benefits could be twofold: Myers would be able to return more quickly as a reliever than as a starter, while the Phillies’ injury-depleted bullpen could get some much-needed relief.

The benefits could also, and more likely be, shitfold. I doubt Myers, a guy who was known for most of his career as being a lazy fatty, is the type to quickly get in shape. Yes, he has made an effort to lose weight in recent seasons, but I imagine he has spent the past couple of months eating Fritos and drinking adult beverages. And we all know how Myers has performed as a closer. So moving him to the bullpen (AND SETTING HIM UP FOR FAILURE LIKE THEY DID FOR MAD DOG!) will worsen an already ravaged bullpen. Myers opinion:

“I just felt like for me to get back quicker, it would have to be out of the bullpen,” he said, according to the Philadelphia Daily News.”

Fuck and no. You know what starters normally do? They pitch a couple of AA games, let up some runs, say “who gives a fuck about the minor league team’s wins and losses?”, and don’t fuck up an already fucked up bullpen as conditioning practice.

Fuck yo logic, ESPN and Brett! Pitch some AA games. Tell Ruben to pull an Ed Wade and trade for some relievers. We can’t have you giving up routine dingers in the late innings. Lake Bell’s titties after the jump (from above!):

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Jun
09
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 1:59 am ET 21 Comments

While it may not be an appealing phrase, rhyme-wise, (just like how Lidge’s entrance isn’t appealing, musically) many people are suggesting that Madson be moved to closer duty, given Lidge’s recent suckiness on the mound. While the numbers may suggest this is an improvement, Mad Dog closing move could also totally fuck up the bullpen and leave a shitstorm after the 7th inning.

History tells us that Madson does not adjust well to new roles. I was one of the overly optimistic fools that believed Mad Dog would flourish as a starter. The man was a cotdamn monster when he first came up from the farm system! But whence he was designated a starter in ’06, he stank more than a Amy Winehouse-Courtney Love scissor session. Logically, one would believe that the adjustment fucked him up. Motherfucker forgot how to pitch after becoming so comfortable as a mid to late relief man. That is what’s worrisome about the thought of him closing.

As the moving picture box has told us lately, professional athletes are total pussies. Errr, I mean professional athletes suffer from anxiety and sociological problems. Some deal with it by taking anxiety medication, others choose to light farm hands on fire and machete the fuck outta them. Lidge being moved from a closer’s spot could affect the man some believe to have his fragile moments. So moving Madson to closer would most likely make Lidge the setup man. This can go one of two ways 1.) Madson is a successful closer, and Lidge is a decent setup man, or 2.) Madson shits himself again in a new role, Lidge cannot deal with the demotion, making the bullpen totally fucked.

While 6 blown saves are pretty sucky, I’m not sure if this is a risk you want to take. Madson could work as a closer, but I doubt B-Lidge would be a successful setup brah. If only the Phillies had another infielder with an oddly shaped head they could trade for a homicidal middle reliever…

Nipple holders after the jump:

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Feb
26
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 2:45 am ET 10 Comments

Back in the beginning of 2009, my Peabody and NAACP Image award-winning column examined the dumbassery and bitchiness of one Larry “Chipper” Jones. He had gotten some sand in his vagina and decided that he wanted all the attention, and thought the Phillies-Mets rivalry was too talk-y. A brief summary of those January comments:

“You know, win with class, lose with class. Just keep your mouth shut and go play your game.”

Now the dumb fuck is saying this (courtesy of Jim Salisbury of the Inquirer):

“When you win the World Series, you can pop off, no doubt. You’ve done something a lot of other people haven’t done.”

Really? Pop off? You bitch. What happened to your Skip Baylessian tirade about class?

Jones reflected on Hamels’ comment, laughed and shook his head.

“But that’s probably not exactly the way I would have done it,” he said.

Yeah, that’s because in the immortal words of Chris “Y2J” Jericho, you’re an ass-clown. You’re a fucking Favreian media whore who gets pissed when no one gives a shit about your second-class team.

Atlanta used to be the epicenter of the National League East, with the Braves running off consecutive titles from 1995 to 2005. (They won three in the NL West before that.)

“Now we’re playing catch-up,” Jones said.

Fuck Hotlanta indeed. You jealous your team sucks. That’s enough cutting and pasting. For the kids out there, the lesson is Larry Jones is an arrogant turd and gets all pissy when his team is closer (standings-wise) to Washington than Philly.

Fuck you, Larry Jones.

Hey, you can see Eliza Dushku boobies if you click right below this text:

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Feb
10
2009
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 7:04 pm ET 19 Comments

Somebody stab him.In the midst of all these redundant A-Rod newsclips, I know everyone is sick of all the steroid talk. This is barely Phillies news but a rant about baseball itself. And with the amount of players on ‘roids, it’s likely not everyone on the Phillies is clean (So Taguchi? Doug Glanville?). No longer can I stand old farts on their high horses whining about the sanctity of the game (while they’re high out of their mind on Vicodin and Percocets), former players giving themselves a pat on the dick because they didn’t roid up (while they’re jamming their bodies full of fish oil capsules because of all the amphetamines they did in the ’70s blew holes in their hearts), and uninformed parents speaking out so their dumbass offspring don’t get bacne and enlarged clitorises (while mommy’s starting the afternoon with her box of supermarket wine).

Along with the hypocrisy, comes the loser grown ups that brag about how straight-edge they were as an adolescent and how they can live to see their dicks die and their colons become cancerous.

If people want to take steroids, I say let them. Fuck the ramblings about ‘honor’ and ‘respect’ from glorified goat turds like Skip Bayless. Fuck anyone that wants to hear Curt Schilling’s opinion (unless you’re asking him “Do you want me to punch you in the dick or the throat?”). Every argument against letting ballplayers is bullshit. Even the ones not on ‘roids are taking Cortisone shots. Have you ever asked, what the fuck is Cortisone? IT’S A FUCKING STEROID HORMONE!! That’s two banned substances!

And who gives a fuck about the players? We don’t care about their feelings. We don’t give a shit if they’re sad when we boo them. Don’t pretend that you regard them as human. Wanting Chase Utley’s manhood inside you is not a genuine human connection. You and I both do not care if some 220 lb corner outfielder’s heart explodes before he reaches fifty. We care about championships. And we want them by any means necessary.

It’s a hypocritical world where people are outraged more about someone that abuses their body like Barry Bonds, then someone like Leonard Little who has literally killed somebody and has been convicted of it.

The more we pretend that we are concerned about someone we barely know destroying their body with drugs, the more attention it gives to pompous dipshits like Curt Schilling. Fuckin’ legalize it. It’s just as natural as putting 10x the recommended dose of protein, creatine, glutamine, etc. to achieve muscular growth.

And in the words of the late George Carlin: fuck the children.

UPDATE: For the Fightins’ fans with Facebook (alliteration +1), I decided to create a Fightins’-based Facebook group.

To those of you who like your preachiness with a side of titties, Bar Rafaeili after the jump:

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Dec
30
2008
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 9:00 pm ET 4 Comments

Let me set the scene*:

It is late, 10:05 PM on the nose. He has a deadline to meet, a shithole paper to write for. What is his angle? He loosens the belt on his 46 inch Dockers with the elastic waist, asks his unfuckable hag of a wife to grab him a Diet Caffeine Free Coke with Lemon (thinkin’ juice!!) and heaves his pathetic frame onto his Gateway keyboard. Yes, back to that angle. How about I write something so boring, and something that has been written about 10,000 times before? The behind-the-scenes hero!!! AH HA!! GENIUS!!! “Bitch [his wife], where’s ma Cheetos?!?!”

The Phoenixville… Phoenix Newspaper trotted out some story about some boring butthole in the Phillies management that FUCKIN WON THE WORLD SERIES for them. Or so this overly poetic piece would lead yout to believe:

They are the men behind the show.

Baseball lifers with keen eyes and finely-honed instincts as carefully crafted as a big league bat.

Every night, April to September, in ballparks from Atlanta to Anaheim, they assemble like clockwork behind homeplate with their stopwatches, radar guns, notepads, and digital recorders, charting every pitch and noticing every glitch.

The advance scout.

BLEEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Put a dick in my skull and call me Sally, that’s the most boring imagery ever.

Gauging strengths and weaknesses and tendencies — especially tendencies — is their job.

No, please, no more. Please stop…

[...]working as the Phillies advance scout, accumulating hotel stays and airline miles at the same obscene rate that Ryan Howard racks up strikeouts.

Please, I’m begging you, no more advance scout to Ryan Howard comparisons…

There is constant dialogue between the coaching staff and the advance scout, with no detail too minute or obscure to discuss.

And Dave Kurtz rejects no boring anecdote or quote, no matter how minute or obscure.

On Saturday, Jan. 17, King [the advance scout] will receive the prestigious 2009 George Genovese Lifetime Achievement Award at the Sixth Annual Spirit of the Game dinner/auction in Los Angeles’ Hyatt Regency Century Plaza Hotel in Los Angeles.

The 2009 George Genovese Liftime Achievement Award at the [etc.]!?! Sounds like a party! I’ll bring the alcohol, you bring the pussy.

Okay, I can’t go on any longer. There were 900+ words in this piece of shit. And the balls on this guy, using the title Limerick Resident Helped get Phillies over the Top in 2008. Seriously? Fuck Brad Lidge and Shane Victorino and Matt Stairs home run, some minuscule employee (who happened to be in the organization for 26 years) ‘got them over the top’. And what kind of ass to kiss is an advanced scout? It’s like bragging that you got a handy (for the kids out there, handy=handjob) from a lighting director on ‘Kangaroo Jack’.

I just find it insane how people will trash blogs for being brief, and support dying newspapers to listen to this boring sack of crap droll on about a fuckin’ advance scout. You know what newspapers don’t have? Titties. Katy Perry titties in Mexico.

Titties and asterik after the jump:
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Dec
02
2008
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 9:11 pm ET 6 Comments

Bukkake, Anyone?Happy belated World Aids Day! I hope you all got the what you wanted, but I doubt you can use a gift receipt on an incurable virus.

Awwwwhh, shit…I’ss back loyal reader. My lack of postage is mostly attributable to actually holding down a job for a week(EVERCLEAR AND KEYSTONE LIGHT MONEY!!), ruining a girl’s* Sweet 16 party, and listening to this band nonstop for a couple weeks now. Damn Boscov’s Moorestown having me work 8 hours on Thanksgiving and 16 hours on Black Friday, I was actually sober for over 2 days.

So begins the offseason. And the exciting craziness that comes with the offseason.

The Phillies have two big free agents, Pat “The Bait” Burrell and Jamie “Old Guy Joke” Moyer. We all know it’s unlikely that Pat is coming back, given his sendoff at the parade. That was expected. But no arbitration for Moyer!?! Say it isn’t so. What would this team be without Grampy Moyer? Who the fuck will we make fun of now? Will be forced to make more hacky jokes about Jayson Werth’s vag beard and Kim Myers teeth being left on a Boston sidewalk? This team needs Moyer.

But the article (that I barely read) did say “the two sides have a desire to work out a contract”. I guess that works. But then again, I have a desire to suffocate under Katy Perry’s breasts.

Hopefully, both will come true. Titties and apology after the jump.

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Nov
19
2008
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 10:29 am ET 5 Comments

Talk about lame bets. In the tradition of boring, useless, nut-crunching in terms of bullshitieness city bets the Tampa Bay-Philadelphia one takes the cake (Cheesecake?!?! Cream Cheese?!?!? Local tie-in!?!?!? LOLZ!!). The city that brought you Kelly Monaco and her delicious vag put up a dozen cheesesteaks. Delicious, fattening, meaty, cheesy, beef covered with cheese in a roll. What did Tampa Bay put up?

Oranges.

Oranges.

FUCKIN’ ORANGES!!

You know how drunk you have to be to eat an orange? That’s one of the last foods I’ll eat while I’m enjoying a Hawaiian Everclear (Everclear + Blue Hawaiian Punch). I know this guy has never eaten an orange.

I think I messed up on my titty quota, but I have medical condition (I sprained my ankle whilst drinking). So I’ve basically been zotzing out on Ibuprofen and Coors the past couple days. Plus, the whole “I don’t think my parents would approve of you” line got thrown at me the other day. Damn the life of a unique rebel.

Titties, after the jump

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