Are we, as Phillies fans, assholes? Of course, lovable assholes. “Eat this you stupid, stupid little girl.” *throws mustard packet at Joe Maddon’s granddaughter*. The kind that lovingly shit in your mailbox, yell ‘Choooooooooch’ at an abortion ceremony, kick your Mets’ loving-Wawa devoid-SNY watching-shitty accent having-Sbarro inventing ’selves in the dick.

Assholes or not, as Delaware Valleyians, we will never be as annoying as one group. That group being those douches in Boston. Fuck Boston. I repeat, FUCK BOSTON. Fuck the nation.

The Bleacher Report’s Scott Eisenlohr agrees. After claims of more World Serieses (Seriesi? Once again, I call for the help of English Majors)for our beloved Phils, Scott unleashes this declaration to all the Marky Marks and Matt Damons out there:

“But we ain’t sharing this one wit’ ch’all. Hey, John Kerry, get outta town asking for a cheesesteak w’ swizz cheese. You ain’t one of us, and you ain’t welcome here.”

“We will take out-of-town fans, but more likely than not, fans outside of Philadelphia love to hate us more than to become one of our own.”

Fuck yeah. Fuck everybody. That has always been my motto (along with “You Go, Girl” and “Live Fast. Die“). No Phillies Nation, no horrible SNL/Conan shout-outs, no “hey, brah”. Just lunacy, asshole tauntery, inebriation, foul bloggers, Sarge hats, and every car on it’s hood.

Eat shit, all those who don’t want to be a part of this. Johan Hegg would have wanted it this way.

And because I started this post 2 days ago (I was busy cleaning a girl’s puke off my iPod, plus I can’t stop listening to Ensiferum), TITTIES!!

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The #1 thing that grinds the ‘Tards gears is media boners. I can’t stand ‘em. Personally, I’ve never held a sports-related man crush. Scott Miller, apparently, has a thick one for Tampa Bay Lucifer Rays manager Joe Maddon. He continues the long tradition of the Fightins writers’ hatred for CBSSportline douches.  Take off you pants, light a candle, make sure you locked the door, find your favorite semen rag, and start jackin’ it, with paragraphs like this:

“And as if he doesn’t already have every reason (and every right) to swell with pride for what he and his organization have accomplished so far in their worst-to-first run, now he’s in a place where he can, peacock-like, really spread his feathers.”

Peacock-like? Seriously?

Then Miller addresses the local angle, which is perplexing. Joe Maddon hails from Hazelton, PA, only 80(?) miles from Philadelphia. By that logic, I grew up practically in the backyard of the Meadowlands. It’s not that local. Speaking of crappy analogies:

“There rarely is a conventional way of doing things that he doesn’t challenge.

Maddon is baseball’s breath of fresh air, the World Series’ Mad Scientist.”

Mad Scientist? Like the ones that unleash Frankenstein on us pathetic mortals? The Frankenstein that rips our dicks off like they’re those Kool-Aid plastic top things? Sorry, Mister Maddon, i don’t want a reanimated corpse ripping my penis off. Buhh, he even brings up the ESPN moneyshot:

“Actually go ahead and allow his would-be closer to pitch a whopping 2 1/3 innings, as he did in Game 2 with phenom David Price?”

Seriously, everybody, shut the fuck up about David Price already. Wait, there’s more fellatio to be had:

“Maddon pulling the strings in the dugout is like an impressionist with a blank canvas, a sculptor with a hunk of ivory and lots of time.”

He’s a fuckin’ manager! In the American League, nonetheless:

“The only thing he is is a little surprised at how quickly he was able to change the culture of a clubhouse that had been moribund for a full decade before this.”

Joe Maddon’s managerial record with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of the Earth of the Milky Way Galaxy: two fourth place finishes. Joe Maddon’s record the first two years in Tampa Bay: two fifth place finishes. It only took him 12 years (five seasons) to make the playoffs.

Nice job, asshat. Maybe it was the insane number of #1 picks your team had that made you win this year. Like that asshole David Price. I’m just going to start assuming anyone named David is an asshole now. David Price, David Wright, David Bell, David Duchovany, that little guy that beat Goliath. All assholes.

Happy Sunday, all!

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