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Posts Tagged ‘Joe Buck = pussy’

Oct
18
2010
Posted by at 12:02 am ET 60 Comments

Being a lazy man like myself, I do not have the energy to watch the game and listen to the Phillies broadcast. But I am quickly finding it necessary to accommodate myself in this fashion.

After suffering through the brutally anonymous announcers of the NLDS on TBS, we are now subject to Tim McCarver and Joe Buck. Tim McCarver is a fucking cartoon, and the epitome of bland commentary. Really, Tim, Shane Victorino runs fast? Balls, that’s insightful. I can live with ignoring you, you’re just a stupid bumpkin (As a side note: Any grown man that refers to someone named Tim as Timmy or call themselves Timmy is a fucking pussy). Tim McCarver is like the grandparent you don’t call because their pre-dementia conversation is unenlightening. Nursing home Timmy is avoidable.

Joe Buck is a major fuckin’ clog in my brain’s ability to enjoy the auditory signals beaming from my TV. The ultimate corporate stooge, sucking the cock of Rupert Murdoch’s FOX (during this Internet age, anyone without a firewall can see a fox’s cock being sucked, jack it, and go back to work. That’s what 15 minute breaks are for). I don’t want to hear an empty shell of a commercial skank like  Joe Buck on his knees for 3 hours reminding us “It’s a good day for Philadelphia sports fans. Der, da Eagles won today!”. That’s great, if you care for the Eagles (my NFL fandom is now essentially KSK’s coverage of the NFL and Peter King’s ineptitude). I don’t really give a fuck, I want to hear about the Phillies. Every fucking 5 seconds we were reminded that the Eagles won, serving some sort of hacky comedian segue into NFL coverage.

Yes, Joe. The Eagles are part of the NFC, and FOX has the rights to NFC games, you fucking simpleton. The Phillies are now on FOX for the NLCS. Instead of treating this as a simple correlation, you beat this “great day for Philadelphia sports fans” phrase into the ground. Like the corporate whore you are, you just needed to satisfy Papa Rupert so he could shoot his man love all over your face, just like you like it. Like an epileptic hooker,  you stroked the cock of FOX faster and faster every time you used that cotdamn phrase.

Where is Artie Lange when we need him?

Where is Jack Buck? Where is Harry Kalas when we need them? We are stuck with a whorish generation of announcers whose main concern is plugging other programming, human sandwich boards with no integrity whatsoever.

With announcers like Joe Buck, the real question is where is Jack Kevorkian when we need him?

Fuck Joe Buck. Fuck him and his commercials and his slutty way of carrying himself. Fuck his average NFL announcing and average MLB play by play. Fuck his failure of a talk show. Fuck his designer glasses and middle-aged white guy hair cut. Fuck a vanilla personality being offered as the symbol of announcing competence.

Fuck Buck. Also, congratulations to Roy Oswalt on his stellar pitching performance.

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Jan
13
2009
Posted by at 7:40 pm ET 19 Comments

Actual ASA MeetingOr the alternative title, “Biggest Load of Fucking Shit Ever Unsuspectingly Dumped on Someone Since that Time You Let Your Boyfriend Try Anal” (that title’s for the experienced ladies out there).

Some stupid ass, cock-backwards, buttmunching organization called the American Sportscasters Association (failed original name: Douchebags & Retards Anonymous) decided to put a list out of the top 50 Sportscasters. Sure, a bullshit list devised to get my titties in a knot. Go ahead, list some decent names, and then just skullfuck me until you destroy my frontal lobes enough to render me inept in the ability to understand the difference between a good sportscaster (i.e. Vin Scully) and some big-toothed nutsack (i.e. Bill Walton) or some douche (i.e. Joe Buck) who basically equates fake mooning with forced sodomy. Scroll down to #41 for the bullshittiest ranking of 2009.

The list:

#1 Vin Scully: A fucking legend, good choice

#5 Howard Cosell: Once again, a legend for MNF

#6 Bob Costas: Generally a douche and a anti-blog pussy, but when he puts the journalism aside, I guess he’s decent.

#9 Al Michaels: Overexaggerates in his later years, but still decent.

#29 John Madden: (see Michaels, Al)

#31 Joe Buck: You fucking serious? That pussy? He doesn’t give a shit about baseball, and is a sniveling, closet egomaniac (see Costas, Bob).

#35 Chris Berman: …

#39 Bill Walton: Okayyyyyyy… WHERE THE FUCK IS HARRY THE K!?!? Are all sportscasting polls this assbackwards? Fuck Bill Walton.

#41 Harry Kalas: This is a fucking disgrace. Joe Buck, ‘the jack[off] of all trades’, is a worse baseball announcer. Oh, and Joe’s primary sport, football? Harry wipes Joe’s dick in the dirt and then spoonfeeds it to him with his Westwood One broadcasts.

Another disgusting aspect of this list, Dick Vitale is only 6 spots below Harry. I know Harry might have fallen off in recent years, but to put him in the bottom 10 with Cock Vitale and Cock Stockton (#48), fuck that list.

Fuck you, American Sportscasters Association. Someone will have to fist you elbow deep to get your head from outta your ass.

Fuck your list.

(Courtesy LA Daily News via Deadspin)

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