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Posts Tagged ‘I hate southerners’

Posted by at 3:00 pm ET 27 Comments

*also, master of wordy blog article titles

Like a cicada, I pop out of the earth once every couple of years to yell “fuck you” at the rest of the world, then burrow back down to gather my distastes and reformulate. Those of you reading this right now may not even know who I am, just as I am unaware of a majority of the authors on this site. To summarize for those who haven’t been following the Fightins’ for as long as others, I’m a hate filled recluse, someone who uses AIDS jokes as a crutch, and I rely on my blue-balled perversion as a means to escape and distort others’ reality. And I love Chris Wheeler.

On a recent trip to Disney World, I noticed a disturbing trend (besides the slack-jawed yokels, their dumbass kids, and the perpetual bat wings that plagued me in the brutal Florida heat). Most people reading this are Phillies fans who live in the Delaware Valley, so Phillies apparel on strangers is the norm. So whilst in Florida I was initially proud to see so many Phillies shirtseys. But like a seasoned bukkake actor, they kept coming. Five, ten, there were days when I saw twenty different people in Phillies gear. Was it possible that the entire Philadelphia area was on vacation? Not likely. I barely even saw any Yankees shirtseys, even though they are a team synonymous with merchandise whoredom.

This lead me to a realization: The Phillies are becoming the new Red Sox.

Being the dick in America’s tight little asshole is a role most Philadelphians are accustomed to. It’s an honest line of work. Beer bottles to the head, brutally attacking Mets fans, throwing up on children, and drunk teens endangering the lives of all those around them on Dollar Dog Night. As George Carlin once said, “all very necessary activities, by the way”. I’d rather hear a story about some Phillies fan shitting in a nun’s mouth than whisperings of Fever Pitch 2 staring Will Smith. America’s dick (Phillies) is a far better thing than America’s forced sweatheart (Red Sox). The Phillies are becoming too likable and cutesy. Many of us now realize that not everyone hates us. That the Phillies are a national story, and many are following the team because of the likeability of the players. The Phillies stadium has become a playground for babies and tourists, a friendly atmosphere exists on Broad Street. That friendliness is killing what was once a unique atmosphere to witness a sporting event. Philadelphia has to get its fucking edge back.

Many, if not all of you, will disagree with me. This viewpoint is immature, inhumane, or stupid. Those of you who believe this are also likely to believe that Denis Leary and Jimmy Fallon should not be euthanized, just for being such annoying little shits.

But this comparison is not a call to violence, just an end to becoming too cutesy. People like to say what makes Philly great is it’s passion, fan’s knowledge, or some other queer proclamation made by a mayor looking to get reelected or a coach looking to open a restaurant. I think what makes Philadelphia great is the potential for dangerous, obnoxious fans. It keeps you on your fucking toes. It’s what makes us human. People around me (I was born and grew up in South Jersey, but now I live outside of the Philadelphia area) always say “Oh, your a Phillies fan, that means you hate the Mets, right?”.

No, I’m a Phillies fan, that means I hate everybody. Fuck you, national media. Your interest in Philly shall not go the way of Red Sox Nation. *stands outside door, waiting for a reporter, molotov cocktail in hand*

*Due to the complexities of good and evil, I have finally decided to stop posting pictures of Katy Perry’s tits. Her mindless, destroyer-of-intelligent-thought brand of singing finally surpassed the good her tits were doing. She is no longer a relatively famous big jugged singer, but a famous singer who happens to have big jugs. Non-shitty pop star titties after the jump:

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R.I.P Harry Kalas