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Posts Tagged ‘I hate everyone’

Posted by at 12:02 am ET 60 Comments

Being a lazy man like myself, I do not have the energy to watch the game and listen to the Phillies broadcast. But I am quickly finding it necessary to accommodate myself in this fashion.

After suffering through the brutally anonymous announcers of the NLDS on TBS, we are now subject to Tim McCarver and Joe Buck. Tim McCarver is a fucking cartoon, and the epitome of bland commentary. Really, Tim, Shane Victorino runs fast? Balls, that’s insightful. I can live with ignoring you, you’re just a stupid bumpkin (As a side note: Any grown man that refers to someone named Tim as Timmy or call themselves Timmy is a fucking pussy). Tim McCarver is like the grandparent you don’t call because their pre-dementia conversation is unenlightening. Nursing home Timmy is avoidable.

Joe Buck is a major fuckin’ clog in my brain’s ability to enjoy the auditory signals beaming from my TV. The ultimate corporate stooge, sucking the cock of Rupert Murdoch’s FOX (during this Internet age, anyone without a firewall can see a fox’s cock being sucked, jack it, and go back to work. That’s what 15 minute breaks are for). I don’t want to hear an empty shell of a commercial skank like  Joe Buck on his knees for 3 hours reminding us “It’s a good day for Philadelphia sports fans. Der, da Eagles won today!”. That’s great, if you care for the Eagles (my NFL fandom is now essentially KSK’s coverage of the NFL and Peter King’s ineptitude). I don’t really give a fuck, I want to hear about the Phillies. Every fucking 5 seconds we were reminded that the Eagles won, serving some sort of hacky comedian segue into NFL coverage.

Yes, Joe. The Eagles are part of the NFC, and FOX has the rights to NFC games, you fucking simpleton. The Phillies are now on FOX for the NLCS. Instead of treating this as a simple correlation, you beat this “great day for Philadelphia sports fans” phrase into the ground. Like the corporate whore you are, you just needed to satisfy Papa Rupert so he could shoot his man love all over your face, just like you like it. Like an epileptic hooker,  you stroked the cock of FOX faster and faster every time you used that cotdamn phrase.

Where is Artie Lange when we need him?

Where is Jack Buck? Where is Harry Kalas when we need them? We are stuck with a whorish generation of announcers whose main concern is plugging other programming, human sandwich boards with no integrity whatsoever.

With announcers like Joe Buck, the real question is where is Jack Kevorkian when we need him?

Fuck Joe Buck. Fuck him and his commercials and his slutty way of carrying himself. Fuck his average NFL announcing and average MLB play by play. Fuck his failure of a talk show. Fuck his designer glasses and middle-aged white guy hair cut. Fuck a vanilla personality being offered as the symbol of announcing competence.

Fuck Buck. Also, congratulations to Roy Oswalt on his stellar pitching performance.

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R.I.P Harry Kalas