This just in from the Adam Eaton watch: did you know? He helped the Phillies get to the playoffs!

“What went wrong?” Eaton asked. “A lot of things went wrong, but a lot of things that went right, too. I helped them get to the playoffs two years in a row, and obviously we won the World Series last year. That’s a big thrill of mine, but obviously I still want to compete in that World Series atmosphere. That’s what I aim to do.”

What the fuck World Series atmosphere is that? The one where you played 0 postseason innings because you weren’t on the active roster, after sucking in the minor leagues so bad that you bought your teammates a steak dinner to show off your $8M salary? Or the one where you weren’t even INVITED to the parade down Broad Street? And we remember how well you helped us in 2007 too, fuckface, when you were the only player on the entire team we booed at the rally at City Hall. (Well, the only one we booed worse than Rod Barajas.)

Let’s see just how well Eaton helped get us into the playoffs during the 2008 run, using team pitching stats from Baseball-Reference…

The Phillies had the 4th best ERA in the National League at 3.89 with Eaton. Check out the before and after stats:

2008 WFC Phillies with Eaton:
IP: 1,449 2/3
ER: 627
ERA: 3.89, fourth best in NL, behind the Dodgers, Brewers and Cubs

2008 WFC Phillies without Eaton:
IP: 1,342 2/3
ER: 558
ERA: 3.74, second only behind the Dodgers’ 3.68

That may seem like more math than it’s worth, but this is Adam Eaton we’re talking about here, the guy we’re going to pay $8.5M to go suck for Baltimore, and the guy whose last effort as a Phillie was to sneak into that portrait of Ryan Howard … right before Big Brown elbowed him in the goatee and said get the fuck out of my photo shoot and off my team.

beelove (a/k/a R. Bradley Maule) is the proprietor of the fantastic Philadelphia photography/architecture site, PhillySkyline.com. He had something he had to get off his chest concerning Adam Eaton; I gladly gave him the space to do so.

Women. I don’t think I’ll ever figure ‘em out — am I right, fellas?

It’s not like I don’t make an effort to do so, mind you! I love women, especially the ones who show up for my beloved Dodgers’ home games. Some of those ladies are capital-B beautiful! Trouble is, by the eighth inning they’ve all left to beat the traffic, probably to congregate at one of many night clubs our great city is famous for not letting me into.

A lot of guys make the mistake of thinking that a women has “ulterior motives” when speaking to a man. Let me tell you from my own experience that nothing is further from the truth! For instance, when a woman approaches me, bats her eyes, smiles, and asks for the time, there’s only one thing in my mind that could possibly mean. I look at my watch, tell her the time, and go on my merry way. If a woman really wanted something else from me (and I think you know what I mean by that), she would just come out and say so, wouldn’t she?

Truth be told, a lot of women I run into seem to ask me for everything EXCEPT a romantic night on the town! They’re only interested in knowing if I come around to a particular spot often, or if I could recommend a certain flavor of coffee, or if the panties they have on makes their ass look too curvy. This one’s a classic: One time a woman asked me if I’d take a long hard look at her bra to make sure her nipples weren’t pointing out too conspicuously. To verify how pointy her nipples were, she even took out one of her breasts to show me. Geez, I’m late for work, lady! Can we make this quick?

The worst example by far was when this one woman asked me if I’d like to see what her lipstick looked like around my penis. Hello? Guys don’t wear lipstick on their penis! What a weirdo.

Oh well, women may be hard to figure out, but I know one thing for certain: Dodgers in six, baby!

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