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Posts Tagged ‘Gossip Girl reference?’

Posted by at 12:12 pm ET 198 Comments

What a great year for the boys. With the massive amount games players missed due to injuries, lineup shuffling, and new faces all around, they did good. It’s a great accomplishment in itself to achieve such great chemistry and healthy camaraderie given such daunting circumstances. Back to back to back NLCS appearances? Wowza, this team is the new Big Red Machine. What a treat for us fans.

Fuck that.

Complacency and twat stroking like this is not what this team should strive for. The Chris Wheelers of the world spew this wretched shit; fuck them. Fuck the pussyboy PR mavens and former player, double-digit IQs analysts. This is the mantra of the Spadaronian Eagles fans, and I won’t accept it. This shit is beneath the Phillies.

This is a franchise that has, for the most part, been defined by losses. 10,000 losses was celebrated, not remanufactured  into something stupid by Eagles SS Agent Dave Spadaro. There is some twatwaffery perpetuated by that guy who used to work for 6ABC, but the new Phillies want rings, not ‘appearances’. Fat Andy, the king of the PR twat waffles, strives for an efficient team, not a great team. Give me Roy Halladay on the other side of 30 becoming the supraman, not low-salaried potential. No one cares about mediocrity. No one cares about the 2nd guy to fuck that hot jailbait from that show broads like.

But there are shit stains on the red pinstripes, and they must be wiped ( or in Howdy’s case, rinsed; I like to shower after shitting).

-Chooch: Señor Octubre, you cool. No major issues.

-Ryan “Black Lava” Howard: You were the only person to hit for average this postseason. Low on the dingers department, though. B-

-Chase Utley: Your injury history makes me think you spend your off days riding a Wild Wacky Action Bike

-Jimmy Rollins: I may proudly wear your shirtsey (along with Ryan Howard’s; I only wear black dudes shirtseys), but you need to stop smelling your own ballsmoke because you won an MVP award years ago.

-The guy with the big head: Shockingly, an improvement over Abraham Nunez and Pete Happy at 3rd base.

-Jayson Werth: Stop sniffing your ballsmoke too, buddy. Yes, your facial hair is wildly ironic/hipster-like and you wear tall tee jerseys, but 2009 is looking like an anomally.

-Shane Victorino: More coke and steals, less gay Ed Hardy shirts.

-Raul Ibanez: Help mentor Dom Brown (*’Tard considers buying Dominic Brown shirtsey*)

-Starting pitchers: First of all, H2O is the queerest shit I’ve ever heard. The next person who uses that nickname is getting  cunt punched. Aside from that, Halladay is Jeebus Christ, Hamels is returning to what we thought he was, and Oswalt is a great #3. But for me, every Joe Blanton start is a collective Eric Milton sigh of “oh fuck…”. Is Moyer still alive/the #5? Good for Grampy.

-Relievers: Pitch better (I know, my advice is too specific). Also, FREE OOGY!

-Chuckles Manuel: You started Blanton against San Francisco. The fuck?

Win in 2011, bros. I won’t be satisfied until that happens. That, and the day Katy Perry’s titties finally reveal themselves and Josh Hamilton’s entire family contracts AIDS from his left over heroin needles.

Happy Halloween, here are some lung pumpkins:

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R.I.P Harry Kalas