Posts Tagged ‘Game Thread’
4:10PM on PHL17
Cole Hamels (9-2) 2.49 ERA
PHILLIES: Cole Hamels in Safeco. Probably a complete game shut out. Funny that the Phillies have the best 1-2 punch in baseball and that 1-2 punch doesn’t include Cliff Lee, but rather Coal Hammels.
Jason Vargas (4-4) 4.13 ERA
MARINERS: I didn’t know Jason Vargas was still pitching. Hopefully he still sucks.
10:10PM on CSN
Vanimal (2-1) 3.75 ERA
PHILLIES: Worley was sent down after his start against the Mets where he gave up 8 runs in 3 innings, but while in Lehigh Valley he strung together some good starts and now gets the call today with the Phillies needing a pitcher after the double header Wednesday.
MARINERS: I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you this but he’s really good. This probably won’t end well.
10:10PM on CSN
Roy Oswalt (4-4) 3.14 ERA
PHILLIES: Seriously is it just me at this point or does it still seem like Oswalt pitches once a month? I don’t know, none of you are reading this anyway. It’s 9:30 on a Friday night.
Michael Pineda (6-4) 2.72 ERA
MARINERS: Thankfully no one is seeing this, because honestly a fucking panini was the best I could do. I’m really sorry.
1:05 PM on CSN
Cliff Lee (6-5, 3.41 ERA)
PHILLIES: The Phillies have been sick, sick, sick lately. A win today would give them a four-game series sweep over the Marlins and put them on a seven-game winning streak before going out west for some interleague play. The team’s bats have seemingly come alive after a stretch where some claimed the sky was falling. This team has been great to watch, lately. They’re the feel good hit of the summer.
Javy Jazquez (3-6, 7.09 ERA)
MARLINS: The Fish have been turning on the screw lately; losing 9 of their last 10 games. No one knows what you’ll get out of Javier; he’s had a no-decision and a loss in his two other starts against the team. The Marlins were off to a hot start, and realistically this is a team that could get back in the NL East picture if only they could string together some wins.
Uhhhh… 3′s & 7′s.
1:05PM and 7:05PM on CSN
Kyle Kendrick (3-4 3.47 ERA)
PHILLIES: I had tickets to this game when it got rained out the first time. That night Roy Halladay was supposed to pitch. Now I’m stuck with Kendrick. Seriously bad luck.
Elih Villanueva (0-0) 0.00 ERA
MARLINS: When you say his first name it sounds like you are sneezing.
Roy Halladay (9-3) 2.39 ERA
PHILLIES: So instead of whining about it, I bought tickets to the night game too.
Anibal Sanchez (6-1) 3.06 ERA
MARLINS: No that’s not Anibal Sanchez. But I Googled his name and a picture of Jamie Moyer showed up and it made me kinda miss him.
7:05 PM on PHL 17
Colbert Michael Hamels (8-2, 2.58 ERA)
PHILLIES: Do me a favor: if you see Marcus Hayes in the next couple of days, smack him upside the head. My man Swift said on Twitter this evening that Hayes suggested Hamels pitch out of the bullpen come playoff time. That’s… mindblowingly retarded. Hamels has been phenomenal so far this season. As we close in on the all-star break, he’s at the forefront of the NL Cy Young picture. What on Earth wouldn’t you want this dude taking the mound come playoff time?
Chris Volstad (2-6, 5.51 ERA)
MARLINS: Volstad’s a bit of a GILF, but I bet he makes a mean mac-and-cheese casserole. Aside from that, the Fish have activated Hanley Ramirez from the 15-day DL and he’ll be starting and batting leadoff tonight. Adjust your fantasy roster accordingly.
1:35 PM on CSN
Roy Oswalt (3-4, 3.05 ERA)
PHILLIES: Look, I’m going to be honest with you: this is going to be the worst Game Thread ever. I’m still kind of hungover from yesterday’s Fightins Tailgate. For some reason, I’m sore from head to toe. I’m kind of embarrassed about some of the things I did and said. I want to personally apologize to Zaki from Philly Gameday for constantly referring to him as “Philly LAMEday”. I want to apologize to Cranekicker for pissing on his foot after the game. I apologize to the Inquirer’s John Gonzalez for all of the racial slurs, most of which I think I made up on the spot. Also, I’m sorry for trying to make out with your fiancee. (Call me, Colleen.) Finally, I’m really sorry to my colleague ZWR for hitting you in the face with a wiffleball bat during our game. Repeatedly. And intentionally.
Oh, and, uh, Roy O hasn’t won a game since April 21st. The Phils have scored just 8 runs in his starts.
Doug Davis’s Ridiculous Soul Patch (0-5, 6.38 ERA)
CUBS: Seriously. Look at that thing. Who could possibly take him seriously looking like that?
Now please excuse me as I go back to delicately sipping Gatorade, swallowing Advil by the fistful, and trying not to vomit any time I think of beer.
Note: Your usual open-thread overlords Chris and Ryan are at Fightins Tailgate 2: Tailgate Harder, along with Meech, ZWR, and all the other cool kids. I really wanted to be there, but I had prior obligations to do dork stuff with nerds. Maybe I’ll make it next year for Fightins Tailgate: Tokyo Drift.
But instead of wallowing in self-pity, let’s look at the bright side. With everybody away, we’ve got full run of this place today. Think of it like your parents went away, and I’m your cool older brother. Call your friends, get a couple kegs, and send someone on a run across the bridge to grab a handle of Everclear. Invite that one cute girl/guy. You know the one I’m talking about. Let’s burn this mother to the ground.
One rule: No screwing on my bed.
CLIFF LEE (5-5) 3.62 ERA
PHILLIES: Conservative statistical estimates for today’s game: Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 R, 0 H, -4 BB, 24 K. Dom Brown – 12-12, 15 HR, 34 RBI. Chooch – 8-8, 2 2B, 1 PreciousPostgameInterview.
MATT GARZA (2-5) 4.07 ERA
CUBS: Conservative statistical estimates for today’s game: Matt Garza – 1 IP, 1 Frillon R, Tenfinity H, Dozens BB, Pfft K. Starlin Castro – 0-3, 3 K, 1 LookLikeA12YearOld.
7:05PM on CSN and MLB Network
Roy Halladay (8-3) 2.56 ERA
PHILLIES: I fucking love Roy Halladay.
Carlos Zambrano (5-2) 3.98 ERA
CUBS: Unlike Roy Halladay, I really REALLY hate Zambrano. He is quite possibly the biggest douche in baseball. With any luck the Phillies light him up and he beats the shit out of a Gatorade thingy in the dugout, because those don’t hit back.
7:05 PM on CSN and MLB Network
Kyle Kendrick (3-4, 3.78 ERA)
PHILLIES: Tickets for this game were going for like a nickel on StubHub. For some reason, nobody wanted to part with their hard-earned cash to go see Kyle Kendrick pitch in temperatures that rival that of the inside of a toaster oven. I’ll be watching it from the comfort of my couch, probably while pants-less. You’re welcome for that image, ladies.
Randy Wells (1-1, 5.74 ERA)
CUBS: Prediction: The Phillies win this game after Cubs skipper Mike Quade walks out to exchange lineups, feels the heat, says “Fuck this, we forfeit.” It’s my LEAD PIPE LOCK!
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