Just a few weeks after learning our beloved Scott Lauber was leaving his post as Phillies beat writer at the Wilmington News Journal, for Red Sox beat writer at The Boston Hearld, two more scribes are leaving their Philadelphia nests. Andy Martino of Phillies Zone, and phillyBurbs’s (and my favorite Intelligencer sports writer growing up) Mike Sielski are moving to the (gulp) New York Mets beat.

The Delco Times’s Ryan Lawrence has the beat and the funny (this is major points in the beat-off, right, Tug?):

So, yes. Another couple Phillies writers gone, to the Journal and NY Daily News. And as much as it sucks to know that they’ll be writing in New York, for the cot damn Mets, it’s a great chance for both, and we should be happy for them. And the blow is a little softer, because semi-newbies Matt Gelb and the aforementioned Mr. Lawrence are doing a fine job themselves, as you can tell from the beat-off. They have yet to pull off a Sarge fedora like Martino, though. Yet.

In other, more uplifting news, the next 5 Phillies games (if this goes up before 1 o’clock Satuday), are on TV! (Another big-ups to Ryan Lawrence for noting this beautiful little television statistic).

Today’s (Saturday’s) game against the Tigers is on MYPHL17, featuring Doc Halladay. Sunday vs the O’s is on CSN/MLB Network, Monday vs the Damn Yankees is on ESPN, Tuesday vs the Rays is on TCN (aka CN8), and Wednesday vs the Bravos is, once again, on ESPN. All games are at 1:05.

Ladies and Gents, baseball!

From the GAHHHHHHHHHHHH department of Phillies news comes this gem:

“The Phillies have decided to scout free agent pitcher Pedro Martinez”

Fuck and no! No fucking way would this signing have any positive impact for our Fightins. The disgustingly scary thing is that over thirty percent of the people polled on this news would like to see Pedro in red pinstripes. This should not be shocking news, however, as polls also indicate that a large percentage of the population (excluding Señor Retardo) would not pay tax dollars to see Michael Bay imprisoned and castrated.

If this awfulness were to occur, I would like to invite the Fighins’ staff and readership to join me in a group bum rush/suicide bombing of the printer in the Phillies front office that prints free agent contracts. We can not let this former Met and Red Sock join the World Fucking Champs.

He’s old. He’s frail. He’s a #4 starter at best, and could barely making 15 starts a year. He makes Mark Prior look like Roy Halladay (in terms of innings eatability).

Fuck Pedro. We don’t fucking need him. Plus, Nelson de La Rosa is fucking dead, so his clubhouse presence is useless.

Jimmy Rollins was on Daily News Live (Tuesday?) proclaiming the epic shittyness of the New York Metropolitians.

“The Phils are still the team to beat coming into the season even with the Mets off-season additions,” said Rollins.

Translation: Eat shit, David Wright. And what will the Phillies record be this year?

112 wins he told the panelists on Daily News Live.

That’s it? Let’s go for 120, 140, or just a perfect season altogether. Given that Adam Eaton isn’t with the team, why can’t us?

Vikki Blows’s lung pumpkins after the jump:

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From the fucking best blog site that doesn’t employ the ‘Tard, our brahs at the Sports Hernia:

And move over Mizz Perry, I have a new fantasy lady. The even sexier and Britishier Abigail Rose Clancy. Click belows to see them boobies!

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Are we, as Phillies fans, assholes? Of course, lovable assholes. “Eat this you stupid, stupid little girl.” *throws mustard packet at Joe Maddon’s granddaughter*. The kind that lovingly shit in your mailbox, yell ‘Choooooooooch’ at an abortion ceremony, kick your Mets’ loving-Wawa devoid-SNY watching-shitty accent having-Sbarro inventing ’selves in the dick.

Assholes or not, as Delaware Valleyians, we will never be as annoying as one group. That group being those douches in Boston. Fuck Boston. I repeat, FUCK BOSTON. Fuck the nation.

The Bleacher Report’s Scott Eisenlohr agrees. After claims of more World Serieses (Seriesi? Once again, I call for the help of English Majors)for our beloved Phils, Scott unleashes this declaration to all the Marky Marks and Matt Damons out there:

“But we ain’t sharing this one wit’ ch’all. Hey, John Kerry, get outta town asking for a cheesesteak w’ swizz cheese. You ain’t one of us, and you ain’t welcome here.”

“We will take out-of-town fans, but more likely than not, fans outside of Philadelphia love to hate us more than to become one of our own.”

Fuck yeah. Fuck everybody. That has always been my motto (along with “You Go, Girl” and “Live Fast. Die“). No Phillies Nation, no horrible SNL/Conan shout-outs, no “hey, brah”. Just lunacy, asshole tauntery, inebriation, foul bloggers, Sarge hats, and every car on it’s hood.

Eat shit, all those who don’t want to be a part of this. Johan Hegg would have wanted it this way.

And because I started this post 2 days ago (I was busy cleaning a girl’s puke off my iPod, plus I can’t stop listening to Ensiferum), TITTIES!!

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