Every fucking year, some stupid jackass watches a dozen games and gets his dick in a knot over a team that is *cue queer, uppity  pronunciation* “defying expectations”. I remember during the 2005 season when the Expos became the Nationals, sportswriters rubbed their dicks against the couch cushions as they were pathetically leading the NL East and then realized they were still the fucking Expos, but in Nationals uniforms. Losers.

Every year, sportswriters rub their dicks in a couch cushion. And at first, it feels like a pussy. But then you realize you’re fucking a piece of furniture, and instead of a National League Pennant, you’re left with a chaffed dick.

This year, those dick sores are going to be Marlin-shaped.  The Star-Ledger’s Brian Costa’s dick is currently covered with those sores.

Two weeks into the regular season, one team stands above all others in the division, and it is the Florida Marlins, whose 11-1 record is the best in the majors.

Wow. 12 fucking games. Seven percent of the fucking season. That is the equivalent of heralding the Cincinnati Bengals after going 1-0. Similar fucking percentages (where ma Math majors at!! Droppin’ them percentages, cocksucker!).

As Clark Spencer writes in The Miami Herald, “By defeating the now-shell-shocked Washington Nationals 7-4 [Sunday], the Marlins became the first team in 11 seasons to win three consecutive games that they trailed heading into their last at-bat. The 1998 Detroit Tigers were the last to do it.”

The Tigers record in 1998: 65-97. That coveted 5th place division finish. Glorious. Go get ‘em Marlins! That 65 win season is a high thing to shoot for. Check your facts next time Clark Spencer and Brian Costa, ya stupid fucks.

*On a side note, anybody know what a bandwagon is? And why are we still talking about wagons in the 21st century? ‘Scuse me while I hop on the Phillies Intergalactic Space Crusier Powered by reason and Hydrogen Fuel Cells

I, like most, was well aware that the Florida Marlins had an all-fatty-male “dance” team who “entertain” the crowd between innings, but I never actually saw them in action. Well this Friday night, while sharing drinks at a New York City drinking establishment with the newly faux-hawked David Chalk of B&C Devil Ray fame, I caught the tubba lards doing that thing they do. Prepare for an onslaught of sexiness:

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Philadelphia luminary D-Mac of the fantastic Philadelphia Will Do sent along a hilarious video this morning of South Philly Sal getting ready to gun down a young Josh Willingham at 2nd.  D-Mac explains:

Way back on May 2, 2006, the Phillies played the Marlins; everyone’s favorite little catcher that could, Sal Fasano, went 0-4 with 2 Ks, dropping his average to .182. (The Phillies rallied to win, incidentally.) But that wasn’t the worst part of Fasano’s night. With Wes Helms (ha!) at the plate, Josh Willingham attempted to steal second.

Sal’s Pals Are Surely Misguided | Philadelphia Will Do (May 3, 2006)

It looked at first as if the Marlins would leave the Bank victimizing our last two starting pitchers early on. But Geoff “LEEROYYY” Jenkins and Pat Burrell held a meeting in the dugout, said “Fuck this,” and drove in the runs that tied and then won today’s game, respectively. As a result, Philly’s 7-5 victory restores their half-game lead over Florida at the top of the NL East.

After getting smacked around for five earned runs, Grampy Moyer settled down and ended his day with a team-best sixth “W.” Credit Charlie Manuel for having faith in his boy (if you can call a 45-year-old man a “boy”) and letting Moyer pitch his way out of trouble. That makes 18 come-from-behind victories for the Fightin’s, who lead the league in that category.

It looked for a moment as if Tom Gordon might give back the lead in the eighth inning, but after a pep talk from reigning MVP/golden god Jimmy Rollins, Flash struck out his man on three straight pitches and locked it down for the rest of the inning. (A shiny gold coin to anyone who can read lips and tell us what J-Roll said to Gordon on the mound. Please tell me it involved the phrase “those motherfuckers.”)

Brad Lidge got the save, which did not come without its own brief twinge of agita when Dan “Butt” Uggla smacked what looked like a double at best/home run at worst into left center field. But Burrell’s defensive replacement, T-Bone, put that fear to rest with a running grab.

The Philly bullpen continues to confound the opposition, and got their first save since last weekend. To be fair, though, save opportunities have been few and far between since the offense became absolutely unholy to opposing pitchers.

Next up on the Phillies’ home stand are four games against the Cincinnati Reds, winners of three straight and seven of their last ten. Arroyo faces Kendrick, who will try to avoid being the pitcher who surrenders Junior Griffey home run Number 600.

Marlins 3rd base coach, Bo Porter, relays a message to his team:

Towards the end of the Marlins 7-3 drubbing of the Phillies, we got a little revenge.

On Kevin Gregggg’s first pitch of the ninth, Marlins catcher Matt Treanor was set up for a nice inside fastball. Kevin, obviously unaware of the catcher’s complex signs, threw a curveball in the dirt. This crossed-up the Florida backstop, and when he tried to adjust — it nipped the tip of his glove, bounced off the dirt, and hit him directly in the balls.

The cringe-worthy evidence:

haha, he said, “1 ball and no strikes.”

8 games over .500, end of May, in sole possession of First Place

How does it feel?  Tell ‘em, Raphael Saadiq.

That’s him on the left, getting a knee to the chest while trying to guard the unguardable, Michael Jordan.

Here’s to hoping he doesn’t do too much better vs. Ryan Howard.

And on that note, I’m off to the bar. Be safe out there, kids. Go Fightins’.

The battle for division supremacy begins tonight. Brett “the Hitman” Myers (2-6, 5.79) will face Mark “I’m Not Lance” Hendrickson (7-2, 4.14). I suppose at some point this was supposed to be a “Battle of The Aces,” but so far only one appears to have shown up.

As a public service to you, the reader, I will share what I know about the Florida Marlins…

1. Since their inaugural season in 1993, the Marlins have won more World Series than every other team in the NL East combined. They’ve managed to do this without ever once winning a division title.
2. Despite having held the best record in the National League, they are dead last in attendance (421,089, 16th of 16 through May 27).
3. They are the only team in Major League Baseball with a full-time cheerleading squad. Their fan loves them.
4. Their biological family classification is Istiophoridae.
5. They taste great in beer batter with tartar sauce, fries and cole slaw.
6. They are based somewhere in Florida, allegedly.

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