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Posts Tagged ‘Finally Titties!’

Aug
02
2010
Posted by at 6:19 pm ET 45 Comments

Middle-Aged Turtle

That is what the Houston Chronicle* should have run their ‘Phillies are the Antithesis of Astros’ commentary piece as.

*on the first of many side notes, the Houston Chronicle’s website is thechron.com, one of the queerest ways I’ve ever heard a dead industry try to stay hip. Much like the SyFy network and anyone in the 90s who used z’s instead of s’s, you’re look like an uncool ass. TheChron.com standing for ‘The Houston Chronicle’ was the third of my guesses (the first being a weed website, the second being a misspelled fetish group for Crohn’s disease). But I ramble on digress:

Some people are born leaders, many are born as loud mouth pieces of shit who profess leadership, and the rest followers. Ed Wade is in the fourth category, that being the ‘people who like getting peed on and beaten for a living’. In a world where kissassery and sucking your boss’s balls gets you places in life, and questioning your [financial] superiors and giving them sarcastic mockery 24/7 plateaus you, Ed Wade is the king of the brown nose brigade. Just the vile expression on Ed Wade’s face shows you what a pussified assemblage of human parts he truly is. Ed Wade is to¬†ineptitude as Howdy S Thompson is to rape jokes.

In short, I would like to thank the world’s worst skydiver for leaving the Phils. His moronicity has resulted in the following:

Brad Lidge and Beardo for Michael “defensive replacement” Bourn and Geoff “mangled labia face” Geary

The acquistion of the overratin-est, wife-beatin-est, writing pseudonym so we don’t have to deal with the “is he a nail biting reliever or disappointing starter” question.

Roy Oswalt for J.A. Happ.

And the following Phillies washups have appeared on his roster: Chris Coste, Jason Michaels, Matt Kata, Mike Costanza. Wade really loves wiping his face with the Phillies shit.

This Houston Chronicle article compares Philly and Houston for payrolls, wins, attendance, and for some reason, fatness of cities. Not included was the barometric pressure and homeless amputees that blow tourists for bus fare per capita. This strangely organized article proposes this:

“Who would have thought five years ago that the Phils would exceed the Astros?”

The same people who read this:

The Phillies fired Ed Wade as general manager.

The Astros hired Ed Wade as general manager

Enjoy your obesity, shitty newspaper website names, and masochist GMs, Houston (And you Ed, enjoy kissing ass and being an inept corporate goon. It really must suck when you have to live life as a smarmy little turd and still get nowhere. Yes, you may have lots of money and I may be making minimum wage but spending your life in a honest freedom and spewing anonymous hate is much more satisfying than being you. Corporate whore giving shitty handjobs or hate-artist living above his means).

We’ll keep letting Ruben pull the string on Wade’s back so we can take your pitchers.

A fat set of tits belonging to the world’s worst lyricist after the jump:

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