A big question coming from the disturbing hilarious account of fan-player violence, is who exactly attacked “La Roca”.
What kind of person would attack our eccentric bullpen fiend? Could it be those dipshits at GNC, trying to rough up the man who identified them for what they are (drug peddlers)? Could it be Allan Huber Selig, seeking retribution for his strange 2008 World Series?
No, all are unlikely. The man was identified as a Tampa fan, and not one of epic mantit proportions. It only leaves one person, someone who has devoted the past several months besmirching the World Fucking Champions. All signs point to one man, one broseph of the Fightins. A former coworker of meech.one. My sources (the voices in my head that don’t tell me to murder the elderly) identified this man as the assailant.

*This post in no way condones the harassment of one David Chalk. He is the brah-iest of the brosephs of the Fightins. Shut the fuck up with your complaints of him, you pussy ass cockjets. Anyone who uses the comment section to be a dick, shall get said dick shoved up ass. Oh well, satire always works so well…

Love melons after the jump:
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Ahhhh shit (in the ‘damn, that sucks’ tone, not the ‘cool black guy emphasis on shiiiiiiiit’ tone) news for the Phillies from our brah Todd Zolecki:

“I have not discussed Philly with Jake because nobody has asked us to discuss Philly,” said Peavy’s agent, Barry Axelrod.

While agentspeak usually means nothing and professional athletes lie constantly in regards to their status (i.e. Brett “Turdface Magoo” Favre), this news is frownworthy.

“He has a strong preference to play in the National League,” he said. “He also wants to play for a contender. Both of those two things play into Philly’s hands. … The personnel is awesome. If there is one downside, it’s the geographical difference for him, given that he has made his family home in the San Diego area.”

Let me, one Howdy S. Retard, convince you, Jake Peavy, to play in Philadelphia rather than San Diego.

1.) San Diego is the birthplace of Kendra Wlikinson. Nice body, she might have, but her personality is worthy of a brick to the head. Thems the bitches you want to hang around with? Philly has much nicer ladies(NSFW!).

2.) Califiornia is known for its homeless population. Our homeless freeze up and die in the winter time, while your balmy temperatures leave vagrants year ’round to harass people just trying to visit a liquor store at 2 AM in a peaceful fashion.

3.) Fucking hippies. I’ll take Philly’s crackhead population over some highfalutin college hippie stoner anyday. Fuck nature.

4.) Your population doesn’t care about sports because they’re too busy being douchebags.

5.) Miss California: homophobe, religious extremist, dumbass.

6.) Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?

7.) Other famous residents: Shawn White (emo skater douche), Adam Brody (dreamy hearththrob douche), POD (shitty fake nu-metal crap), and Reggie Bush (overhyped douche).

8.) Oh, I forgot the biggest scrote to ever pick up a guitar is a San Diego Countyian. Dave Mustaine. That cockdick. He’s such a worthless fuck that he has an entire Wikipedia page devoted to his loserdom.

So come to Philly, Jake Peavy. Say hello to me at the ballyard tomorrow (Section 113), I’ll save you a seat. And remember, this is what San Diego has to offer you.

And in Philly, our blogs have tits. After the jump:

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When meech.one emailed the Fightins crew earlier this week reminding us that the site was to celebrate it’s first birthday, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to write, so here’s my odd attempt:

Waxing poetic (i.e. ‘faggy’) about time is usually how these things start out, these fuckin’ drolling retrospective pieces. That is not a problem for me, for my concept of time and memory has been truly fucked by certain substances and alcohol. I was truly shocked when Meech asked me to come to this staff ’round Octoberish of 2008. If he had met me for a one-on-one interview beforehand, my belief would be that I would not have been hired.

My baseball knowledge may not be up to par with statistics-driven douchewads and I do not have the journalistic credits of a cockwand like Sam Donellon. That’s why this site works, because no one on here is a cockwand. Meech set it up fuckin’ admirably. I don’t have to worry about my integrity because I have journalistic freedom. I don’t have to censor myself, and I don’t have to be some hoe for a cell phone provider just because they advertise on the site. The fucking freedom and ease knowing that you don’t have to double-check because you might offend someone is beautiful. I knew the site would last this long, I just didn’t know if I’d be a part of it (I have gone through what my letter of resignation would be, just waiting for that email after some post where I went apeshit).

Our fearless fuhrer, Mike Meech, is a fucking blog deity. I spend a day or two thinking up a post, and he cracks out 5 or 10 in the same time, with the same or greater quality. I don’t know how he fucking does it. It took great balls for him to bring me, Chamo, and Dash into his world. I am eternally greatful, as this blog does mean a lot to me in a therapeutic sense. As an amateur writer, my work is the thing that keeps me relatively sane. Great balls not to fire me after witnessing my paranoid emails and the unveiling of a hate-ridden personality. Great balls knowing I could still write even without the intoxicants and shituations that arose for me in the fall of ‘08. Great balls to have someone finally justify my writing as probing, rather than rambling nonsense.

The Fightins has truly risen as one of the best sports blogs, and one of the best in the Delaware Valley. And if Meech has told me correctly, this is only the beginning and big things are coming for one Chamomiles Davis, Dash Treyhorn, meech.one, and Howdy S. Thompson.

With an affinity for Sarge Matthews and Shane Victorino, we will strive to blow up even fucking more in the future. Thank you for bringing me in, meech.one. And thank you, Fightins commenters. Whether they read ‘great post’ or ‘I hope your children get AIDS infested cancer’, we appreciate every one.

And remember this:

1981-2007. No Fightins blog, no World Championship.

2008. The Fightins dot com is born. World Fucking Champions.

I highly doubt that was a coincidence. The first lady of the Fightins’ titties after the jump:

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I don’t like to call organizations classy, or people classy. As a cynical Libertine/nihilist/reprobate, I find it a reflection of one’s own arrogance by applying the term ‘classy’ to a public figure. Some people make a living by kissing losers’ asses and bitching about coffee (RESPECT THE SUN!). Hypocritical individuals and false personalities are created by morons who believe that perfection exists. ‘Classy’ is a load of horseshit.

That being said, the Phillies made an honorable decision to memorialize their legendary broadcaster. From the Daily News:

“In an anonymous wooden locker stall in the visiting clubhouse at Citi Field, a familiar blue blazer was draped on a hanger. Underneath it sat an equally familiar pair of white shoes.

The ensemble is one that Harry Kalas made famous, and the Phillies are now using them to honor the legendary broadcaster, giving the “uniform” its own stall in visiting clubhouses, and displaying it in the dugout during each home game.”

But the best part of this story is whose idea it was to hang the blazer. Which Phillie decided to spearhead this action? No questions asked you already know the answer:

“A group of players, spearheaded by centerfielder Shane Victorino, approached [Frank Coppenbarger,  Phillies' director of team travel and clubhouse services] about obtaining the blazer and shoes, Kalas’ trademark throughout his 39 years as a Phillies broadcaster”

Aloha, bitches. And if this column wasn’t classy enough already, titties after the jump:

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As a credit to my journalistic integrity (journalistic integrity = yelling at everyone, often in obscenity-laden rants), I have to call out one of the brahs of the Fightins on somethin’. As pointed out by commenter Leann, ‘Duk of Big League Stew recently chastised Phillies fans for booing perennial asshat Adam Eaton.

Adam Eaton is a fuck. Adam Eaton is worthless. Adam Eaton is useless. Adam Eaton makes me so mad I only type in short sentences. To misquote Slayer: “[Eaton] is hate, [Eaton] is fear, [Eaton] is war. [Eaton] is rape, [Eaton's] obscure, [Eaton's] a whore”.

From ‘Duk’s column:

And, over time, they’ve made so many cases about why it was OK to throw snowballs at Santa Claus

Stop right there. The old ’snowballs at Santa’ is the equivalent of the ‘Hitler was an atheist’ argument. It’s a fallacy that has spread over time and has little support. It’s not entirely true, it’s at best a situation taken out of context. No educated person should lower themselves to using the hackneyed attention grabbers of ESPN. But back to the real issue.

There is no defense of Eaton. He made almost no positive contribution to the team. Geoff Geory and Michael Bourn made a bigger contribution to the Phillies’ success last year. Matt Stairs, with his one moment in the NLCS, made a bigger impact than Eaton. Eaton had literally no role in the postseason success of the Phillies.

Is it right to boo him? Fuck yes. It is only wrong in the sense that all booing can be philosophically stated as wrong, but as you fair readers know, I don’t give a fuck about my fellow citizen. I don’t give a shit about my team’s players and no one truly does. I’m not a romantic, and I’m not saying that you have to adopt my beliefs, but never tell me that you care about the emotions of some random person for the 4-5 years they were a part of your major league roster.

Not to rag on you ‘Duk but Adam Eaton is a worthless piece of shit and a shame to the Phillies logo.

Check out them British funbags after the jump:

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Whether it’s their awful NFL on FOX pregame shows, or their cockgobbingly stupid choice to give Tim McCarver an outlet to speak, we all know FOX Sports has some of the most awful television coverage available. Not to mention to Joe Buck, whose unenthusiastic calls are soundbites that could be paired with Auschwitz footage and you’d still be more disgusted by Buck.
To compliment Rupert Murdoch’s shitty network, they have an equally shitty website. Thems geniuses came up with a poll for one of their uninspired columns, really grinding my gears:

Enough with Ryan Howard’s strikeouts already! We get it. The tubby guy swings and misses a lot. He doesn’t have that Ecksteiny quality of always making contact and getting thrown out at first. Big fucking deal he whiffs a lot. He also hits fucking bombs. We all know he’s not Albert Poo-holes (i.e. a whiny little bitch), but I’d take a strikeout over a Chooch Ruiz double play. Ryan Howard sriking out is the equivalent of No Questions Asked popping out to shallow centerfield (actually, a steal could be going on so the likelihood of runner being advanced is greater).

So shut your fucking mouths about Black Lava’s strikeouts. If I remember right, he struck out a lot and the Phils are still World Fucking Champions. Don’t let Ryan Howard’s Ks become the new Philadelphia drivel like *does best Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel impression* “Derrr, I heards y’all Phillay fans booed Santer Claus”.

Mizz Perry’s lovely lady lumps after the jump:

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ASS-HOLE. ASS-HOLE. ASS-HOLE.

Philly’s finest invention, ECW, has a cheer for guys like Scott Olsen. ‘Scuse me, a cheer for pompous dickbags like Scott Olsen. In the long tradition of hating at least one player for each team, and never being conflicted about who to root for because the other 29 teams are filled with bitches and hypocritical fucks, the Washington Nationals just stole fuckface away from the Marlins.

Aside from being very ugly, he is also a moron. Thorough research (Wikipedia) produced this gem:

“Olsen was arrested by police in Aventura, Florida after fleeing from police following a speeding violation (he was clocked going 48 MPH in a 35 MPH zone). He fled for about a mile, at which point he stopped at his home and sat in a plastic chair in the front yard. When police arrived and tried to arrest him, he kicked at the officers who then used a taser to subdue him.”

Nice one, dumbass. Enjoy telling us how you hate the Phillies and are openly rooting for their downfall while scratching your ass for a team that’s only getting shittier and shittier, the Washington Nationals.

Celebrity milkers after the jump:

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Jimmy Rollins was on Daily News Live (Tuesday?) proclaiming the epic shittyness of the New York Metropolitians.

“The Phils are still the team to beat coming into the season even with the Mets off-season additions,” said Rollins.

Translation: Eat shit, David Wright. And what will the Phillies record be this year?

112 wins he told the panelists on Daily News Live.

That’s it? Let’s go for 120, 140, or just a perfect season altogether. Given that Adam Eaton isn’t with the team, why can’t us?

Vikki Blows’s lung pumpkins after the jump:

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From the fucking best blog site that doesn’t employ the ‘Tard, our brahs at the Sports Hernia:

And move over Mizz Perry, I have a new fantasy lady. The even sexier and Britishier Abigail Rose Clancy. Click belows to see them boobies!

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…he’s a dipshit, fuckface, assmunch. Larry “Chipper” Jones decided to open his little bitch mouth recently, and suprisingly, didn’t injure it whilst speaking. Ask for douchedom, and thou shalt receive:

We won for 14 consecutive years, and you never, ever saw any bulletin board material. And now that these two teams are on top of the division, they can’t keep their mouths shut. Just go play baseball. It’s Cole Hamels now. It was Jimmy Rollins and Carlos Beltran the past couple of springs. These two teams are constantly going at each other verbally. You know, win with class, lose with class. Just keep your mouth shut and go play your game.

Hey, nutsack-face, why don’t you play a fucking full season before you talk shit on our shit.  Maybe once you and that fat wife-beating fuck of a manager can survive an entire season without you rupturing each other’s anuses, you’ll have something to talk about.

*FAKE UPDATE: Chipper broke 3 bones in his ear by picking up the phone too quickly*

And don’t you dare talk shit on Cole Hamels. Cole Hamels is the closest thing there is to a deity. Fuck you, Larry Jones, eat piss. You just jealous that your fans don’t give a shit. Enjoy your NASCAR rivalries, and learn to keep your fucking mouth shut and play your game when you are the defending WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS.

From Wikipedia:

The nickname “Chipper” came from family members who felt he was a “chip-off-the-old-block” of his father.

Here’s hoping Cole Hamels takes a chip off your blockhead in ‘09! Ass.

Bewbs after the jump:

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• Benny Fresh on Let Me Taste Those Sweet, Sweet Tears
• lovemesomewerth on NLDS Game 4: Phillies 5, Rockies 4
• Minty Fresh on Let Me Taste Those Sweet, Sweet Tears
• Capt Murdock on NLDS Game 4: Phillies 5, Rockies 4
• Minty Fresh on Let Me Taste Those Sweet, Sweet Tears