And by that I mean one, curmudgeony old, stinky asshole Billy Wagner. B-Wags has lost the ire of Phillies fans recently due to the departure of Pat “your girlfriend’s pussy tastes like Pat the Bat’s dick” Burrell from the current club. But he is still a pain n the ass and destroyer of teams:

Astros after Wagner: World Series appearance

Phillies after Wagner: World Fucking Champions

Mets after Wagner: Still douchebags, but likely with more wins

That’s why after listening to baby-headed announcers and Muffin reading headlines concerning Wagner’s possible shipment to the Red Sox, I creamed my fucking metaphorical pants (I am not, personally, fond of clothes). Whyso, you might ask?

It’s because something special has been lost this season. There’s a certain mystical wonder and glee that comes from the back and forth of Mets and Phillies fans. The kind of whimsy where they light your car on fire, and you take a dump in their Cracker Jack box after they leave their seat. The joy of throwing a bottle at the backs of their heads is no longer as fun as it once was. Sure, raping them in the NL East standings is fun, but so is calling Jose Reyes synonyms for a vagina from the stands. I don’t want the Mets to be a great team, just good enough for us to shit on their hopes and dreams come September.

Plus, I wouldn’t mind seeing B-Wags destroy Boston. That team and their fans can get fucked. I would like nothing better than to see the Boston Red Sox go 0-162 for the rest of this planet’s existence. Fuck Boston.

Blouse bunnies after the jump:

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In the 6th inning of the Phillies 4-1 victory over the Metropolitans last night in Queens, a couple ruffians decided to mix it up in the stands a little bit. One was a Phillies fan, the other a Mets fan. Guess who won?

Watch for yourself (in GLORIOUS high definition):

“OH MY!”

I was in attendance for yesterday’s Mets/Phillies game with the meech.fam, seated comfortably in the tiniest section at The Bank, 148, located just to the left of center field. From our vantage point, we had a perfect view of a large contingent of Mets fans sporting bright orange t-shirts specifically customized to promote the bachelor party of some jaggov Mets fan who was celebrating in Philadelphia. I’m pretty sure the bachelor’s name was Ray-Ray because the back of the shirt said, “Hip-Hip Hoo-Ray-Ray” — seriously.

Anyway, these guys were sitting on the porch directly underneath the Jumbotron in left field and stayed relatively quiet for the first five innings while the Mets were getting beat, but once the Mets showed signs of life in the top of the 6th, and the Bud Lights with the World Series Champs logo started kicking in, they became every bit as loud and obnoxious as their ridiculously ugly t-shirts.

Obviously, the Phillies fans seated on the porch didn’t take too kindly to their taunts, and within minutes Mets fans were getting DOUSED with beer and soda by everyone near them. Then the cops came and started handcuffing the most annoying of the bachelor party-goers while the rest were escorted out of the stadium by The Bank security. Here’s a picture I snapped of all the stragglers in the second group:

Oh yeah, and then Ibañez hit a solo shot to tie it followed by a No Questions Asked shrimp-running walkoff walk in the 10th.

SUCK IT, RAY-RAY!

Not “score” in the sense that he actually crossed the plate, but I hear these Metros just adore having their cock touched by other men.  Here’s Danny Boy from the third inning of last night’s game against the St. Louis Cardinals in which he chose to leave himself exposed for an aggressive cock-touch from Yadier Molina over sliding safely into home to pad the Mets lead. The Mets wound up *ahem* blowing the game when reliever J.J. Putz gave up 2 runs — and the lead — in the bottom of the eighth.

Cole Hamels called into the Beningo & Roberts in the Midday show this afternoon on New York’s WFAN to do a little World Series video promotion and bash Jose Reyes and the Mets.  The World Series MVP was about as blunt as an athlete could be during the interview, poking fun at Jose Reyes’ 3rd inning home run celebrations and calling the Mets “choke artists” when questioned.

Here’s the conversation, conveniently outlined in block quotes:

(Cole Hamels’ “uhhhh’s” and “ya know’s” have been omitted for your reading pleasure)

Evan Roberts: I heard a story, during the LCS, that Shane Victorino when he hit that big home run off of Sabathia in the first round, ya know, was getting a little excited.  So some guys in the Phillies locker room — maybe it was you — put a picture of Jose Reyes or you wrote the name “J. Reyes” with a question mark to kind of send a message — this is true.  Elaborate on this story, cause all of us in New York wants to hear about it, go ahead…

Cole Hamels: Well, I’m hoping I don’t hurt too many people right here with this…

ER: Nah, go ahead.

CH: You know, when Jose Reyes hits home runs, he points his finger up like he won the game and he might have hit it only in the first inning or the third inning.  Well, when Shane did it, he did the same exact thing so we were like, “Hey Shane, this doesn’t win the game, we still got a lot of game to play.  Why are you trying to be like Jose Reyes?” And so that was kinda where it came from was — even though you hit the big home run, you don’t need the [???].  You just need to run around the bases and just kinda get the game started.  So, that’s kinda where it came from.

ER: Are you trying to say you hate Jose Reyes, is that fair?

CH: No, I think he’s a great player.  But when he hits a home run off you, it’s one of those things where you’re not a big fan of the big home run or giving up the big home run but I think it’s all in perspective of respect the game — run around like you’ve done it before, don’t act like it’s the best thing on the face of this planet because you could easily lose a game even though you hit a home run.

Then Beningo & Roberts verbally fellate Cole for about five minutes before getting into the whole thing about the Mets choking.  Mr. Hamels chose to be honest and did not disappoint:

Evan Roberts: Do you think the Mets are choke artists?  A lot of Mets fans think they are, but from afar, do you look at them and say, you know what?  We know they’re gonna find a way to lose this thing.

Cole Hamels: Last year and this year, I think we did believe that.  Three years ago we didn’t because they smoked everybody.  And I really thought that was the year they were gonna go to the World Series — unfortunately it didn’t happen.  But that’s kinda what we believe and I think we’re always gonna believe it until they prove us wrong.

ER: So you say the Mets are choke artists?

CH: Yeah, yeah, for the past two years, they’ve been choke artists.

Now, as awesome as that interview was, it’s definitely gonna get blown way out of proportion.  Seriously, Cole was just being honest.  I know it’s rare for an athlete nowadays, but what was he gonna do?  Call them a clutch team?

Good interview, Cole.  Fuck the Mets.

Here’s the audio:

Cole Hamels on WFAN

Stop me if you heard this one before…

So, the Mets are playing their final game of the season at home, right?

If they win the game — no matter what — the worst that can happen is they force a 1-game playoff the following day to determine who will play in the NLDS.

Only the Florida Marlins stand in their way.

Well, long story short, the Mets lose and the team that they needed to lose, wins.

NO POSTSEASON FOR YOU!

(Fantastic screen capture courtesy of The Kreesh)

“…thankfully, we still have plenty of bubblegum.”

In case you lame-o’s need a reference, you’re gonna have to make it past this jump.

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Let’s see what’s going on in the NL East.

Oh, wow, it looks like the Phillies are in sole possession of first again.

(Ryan Howard is a MONSTER.)

After Loss, Mets’ Lead Has Shrunk to a Fraction | New York Times (via Deadspin)

Because I have footage of it.

Hey, Billy, do you think your son is ready for you to retire? Just curious.

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