Hey, everybody, how’ve ya been? I know you may be saying: “Hey, you talentless asswipe, where have you been? I, the Fightins loyal readership, have missed the ego boost I receive every week from your pathetic attempt at prose. I miss the feeling of my own normalcy compared to your inebriated delusions of grandeur. What happened to the titties? Is Josh Hamilton still a fucking pusswad? Does Sam Donellon still suck a greasy old horsecock? If I drench myself in others blood, am I sick? Where are the tits?”

Damn it’s tough being the Intahnets sexiest blogger. Damn it sucks waking up at 3AM. Damn it’s interesting when you no longer have the cognitive ability to differentiate your conscious and unconscious minds. And mostly, damn little children are fucking wastes of blood and organs.

Aside from the elderly, children are an awful race I would like to eliminate from the human landscape. I’ve always been on the very exclusive, pro-genocide bandwagon. Shit like the Toba incident just makes me hard in the penis area. But ‘Tardy, whyou so mean? Because of awful children and their fucking awful parents like this family:

Jennifer Valdivia filed a lawsuit Monday against the Philadelphia Phillies [Ryan Howard] for the rights to his 200th home run, which made Major League history as the player to reach the milestone the fastest.

Howard hit the home run at land Shark Stadium against the Florida Marlins on July 16, and as is customary, wanted the ball back.

So Phillies staff invited Valdivia to the club house for a one-on-one meeting with the star, which would have been enough for any other fan. But the Howard also autographed a baseball in exchange for the historic one.

The kid accepted the deal, but after she told her parents, the family told the Phillies and Howard they wanted the ball back.

Let me be the first to say it is socially acceptable to call a 12 year old girl an inconsiderate little asshole. This little kid displayed disgustingly mature qualities in holding onto something of value so she could get her fucking payday. When I was a kid, I went to the ballpark for the atmosphere, to oogle sluttily-dressed girls, and enjoy diarrhea-inducing food. This kid has none of my admirable qualities. Little fucking asshole. But it’s not entirely the kid that is infuriating, it’s more the awful parent that put her up to this. Some coozbag soccer mom in her velor jumpsuit acting like coozy old, unfucked housewives do. Suing celebrities because their worn out old beef lips don’t work, they can no longer get that early afternoon buzz from their box of wine, and their 20 cent off coupons have expired at the local Shoprite.

In the end, Black Lava was the bigger man. He gave the kid the stupid ball, and coozy old housewives that put frivolous lawsuits in motion celebrated everywhere by experiencing pleasure in what was once a human vagina, but now resembles a vacuum that sucks the last remaining shred of humanity we have left.

Fuck the Valveeda family and their frivolousness. You represent all that is wrong with everything.

Titties after the jump:

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If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that old people are miserable, rude, ornery, disrespectful, rude people. After the quote w’all heard from Muffin Wheeler during Sunday’s telecast, the Phillies seem to be in high spirits. Pedro is here! I have no problem moving to the bullpen! That midget is 3 and a half feet under (get it!), so we don’t have to install those infant urinals!

Well, most were in good spirits:

“Jamie Moyer said Tuesday that he is “not happy” with the Phillies’ decision to demote him to the bullpen in favor of Pedro Martinez.He described himself as “disheartened” and said he had been reassured by the front office during the offseason that such a scenario “would not happen.”

“I feel a little like I’ve been misled,” he said.”

Hey brah, didn’t you just say three days ago that you were happy with your career? Oh yeah, you did.  Some shit about how he’s glad just to be pitching and is really satisfied with his life right now. Anyone who watched the Sunday telecast heard Moyer say he was just jazzed about his place right now.

So don’t get your pantaloons in a knot, Grampy Moyer. You suck right now, so let’s see what P-Mart can give us. Talk tough when you aren’t giving up 11 hits in 5 innings of pitching.

Katy Perry’s baby feeders after the jump:

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Philles veteran pitcher and drawer of crucial walks, Brett Myers, is still on the 60-day DL nursing a bum right hip.  He is doing his best to work his way back so he can still play in 2009, and at this point in his rehab, should be starting a long-toss program to ease himself into shape.  Well fuck that, Myers ain’t got time for all that long-tossing and shit.  He’s jumping right in to some simulated games.  From the Daily News:

“I threw everything, the whole kitchen sink,” Myers said of his 21-pitch outing. “I threw basically, like, an inning.”

[...]

“Sunday, I will be right back out there doing a sim-game, then see where that takes me,” he said. “I think they are going to keep me around 20 to 30 pitches to simulate, like, an inning or so. Maybe I will get up to two innings a little bit later.”

The addition of Brett Myers would be an awfully nice option to have out of the ‘pen, but it would also pile on their current problem of too much pitching (I still can’t figure out if that is a problem).  Not so much when the rosters expand in the beginning of September; moreso when they have to trim down to 11 or 12 pitchers for the playoffs.

These are the fellas who would be prime candidates for a spot:

Clifton Phifer Lee, Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, Jay Happ, Brett Myers, Clay Condrey, JC Romero, Chad Durbin, Scott Eyre, Chan Ho Park, Ryan Madson, Brad Lidge, and I’m assuming either Jamie Moyer or Pedro Martinez.  For the sake of argument, we’ll toss Rodrigo Lopez, Kyle Kendrick, and Tyler Walker off the list right now. That still leaves 14 legitimate options for 11 spots.   If everyone is healthy, that will be a difficult choice to make.

But here I am getting waaay ahead of myself talking about playoff rosters in early August.  Forget I even said anything.

Phillies’ Myers says he feels fine after simulated game | Daily News

Ahhhh shit (in the ‘damn, that sucks’ tone, not the ‘cool black guy emphasis on shiiiiiiiit’ tone) news for the Phillies from our brah Todd Zolecki:

“I have not discussed Philly with Jake because nobody has asked us to discuss Philly,” said Peavy’s agent, Barry Axelrod.

While agentspeak usually means nothing and professional athletes lie constantly in regards to their status (i.e. Brett “Turdface Magoo” Favre), this news is frownworthy.

“He has a strong preference to play in the National League,” he said. “He also wants to play for a contender. Both of those two things play into Philly’s hands. … The personnel is awesome. If there is one downside, it’s the geographical difference for him, given that he has made his family home in the San Diego area.”

Let me, one Howdy S. Retard, convince you, Jake Peavy, to play in Philadelphia rather than San Diego.

1.) San Diego is the birthplace of Kendra Wlikinson. Nice body, she might have, but her personality is worthy of a brick to the head. Thems the bitches you want to hang around with? Philly has much nicer ladies(NSFW!).

2.) Califiornia is known for its homeless population. Our homeless freeze up and die in the winter time, while your balmy temperatures leave vagrants year ’round to harass people just trying to visit a liquor store at 2 AM in a peaceful fashion.

3.) Fucking hippies. I’ll take Philly’s crackhead population over some highfalutin college hippie stoner anyday. Fuck nature.

4.) Your population doesn’t care about sports because they’re too busy being douchebags.

5.) Miss California: homophobe, religious extremist, dumbass.

6.) Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?

7.) Other famous residents: Shawn White (emo skater douche), Adam Brody (dreamy hearththrob douche), POD (shitty fake nu-metal crap), and Reggie Bush (overhyped douche).

8.) Oh, I forgot the biggest scrote to ever pick up a guitar is a San Diego Countyian. Dave Mustaine. That cockdick. He’s such a worthless fuck that he has an entire Wikipedia page devoted to his loserdom.

So come to Philly, Jake Peavy. Say hello to me at the ballyard tomorrow (Section 113), I’ll save you a seat. And remember, this is what San Diego has to offer you.

And in Philly, our blogs have tits. After the jump:

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I don’t like to call organizations classy, or people classy. As a cynical Libertine/nihilist/reprobate, I find it a reflection of one’s own arrogance by applying the term ‘classy’ to a public figure. Some people make a living by kissing losers’ asses and bitching about coffee (RESPECT THE SUN!). Hypocritical individuals and false personalities are created by morons who believe that perfection exists. ‘Classy’ is a load of horseshit.

That being said, the Phillies made an honorable decision to memorialize their legendary broadcaster. From the Daily News:

“In an anonymous wooden locker stall in the visiting clubhouse at Citi Field, a familiar blue blazer was draped on a hanger. Underneath it sat an equally familiar pair of white shoes.

The ensemble is one that Harry Kalas made famous, and the Phillies are now using them to honor the legendary broadcaster, giving the “uniform” its own stall in visiting clubhouses, and displaying it in the dugout during each home game.”

But the best part of this story is whose idea it was to hang the blazer. Which Phillie decided to spearhead this action? No questions asked you already know the answer:

“A group of players, spearheaded by centerfielder Shane Victorino, approached [Frank Coppenbarger,  Phillies' director of team travel and clubhouse services] about obtaining the blazer and shoes, Kalas’ trademark throughout his 39 years as a Phillies broadcaster”

Aloha, bitches. And if this column wasn’t classy enough already, titties after the jump:

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Back in the beginning of 2009, my Peabody and NAACP Image award-winning column examined the dumbassery and bitchiness of one Larry “Chipper” Jones. He had gotten some sand in his vagina and decided that he wanted all the attention, and thought the Phillies-Mets rivalry was too talk-y. A brief summary of those January comments:

“You know, win with class, lose with class. Just keep your mouth shut and go play your game.”

Now the dumb fuck is saying this (courtesy of Jim Salisbury of the Inquirer):

“When you win the World Series, you can pop off, no doubt. You’ve done something a lot of other people haven’t done.”

Really? Pop off? You bitch. What happened to your Skip Baylessian tirade about class?

Jones reflected on Hamels’ comment, laughed and shook his head.

“But that’s probably not exactly the way I would have done it,” he said.

Yeah, that’s because in the immortal words of Chris “Y2J” Jericho, you’re an ass-clown. You’re a fucking Favreian media whore who gets pissed when no one gives a shit about your second-class team.

Atlanta used to be the epicenter of the National League East, with the Braves running off consecutive titles from 1995 to 2005. (They won three in the NL West before that.)

“Now we’re playing catch-up,” Jones said.

Fuck Hotlanta indeed. You jealous your team sucks. That’s enough cutting and pasting. For the kids out there, the lesson is Larry Jones is an arrogant turd and gets all pissy when his team is closer (standings-wise) to Washington than Philly.

Fuck you, Larry Jones.

Hey, you can see Eliza Dushku boobies if you click right below this text:

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…if he hopes to play for Italy’s team in the World Baseball Classic. Shane wants to join Team USA, but could settle for the Italian team. He could be Italy’s big star, given last year’s roster:

“Would you like to play for the Italian team in the World Baseball Classic?” Galante asked.

“I hate to tell you this, but I’m not one bit Italian,” the outfielder replied.

“Vic-tor-eeeeno,” Galante said.

“It’s not Italian,” Victorino countered.

“But it ends with an O,” Galante said.

“Yeah, but I’m Portuguese,” the Phillie explained.

Victorino and Galante had a good laugh over the phone.

“Can’t you just say you’re Italian and play for us?” Galante asked.

Victorino was flattered by the phone call.

“Hey, it was an honor to be asked to play for any team,” he said.

Translation: “Fuck the Italian team, if I’m getting an invite, it better be from Venezuela so I can get that pussy (LINK NSFW!!!!!) Bobby Abreu gets.”

If I were you, I wouldn’t play for Italy. We already have Brett Myers wearing douchey shirts in the clubhouse. We can’t risk your teammates corrupting you.

Also, J.C. Romero might not be able to play for Puerto Rico in the WBC. Motherfuckin’ Bud Selig!

*This post in no way represents the thoughts, attitudes or beliefs of meech.one, Chamomiles Davis, theFightins.com or it’s sponsors and affiliates. It wholey reflects one HDYSR?’s opinion that Italian-American stereotypes are hilarious and all adolescent Italian-American males from North Jersey are orange douchebags.

With everyone’s favorite ponophobic right fielder Bobby Abreu still looking for a team, New York Times resident dumbass Tyler Kepner inquired why this former home run derby champ was jobless*. And where did he go for his insight? Well, it’s only fitting that he contacted Astros GM and Houston’s resident dumbass, Ed Wade:

“He’s a sabermetrician’s dream, from the standpoint of what he produces statistically,” Wade said.

What!!! What kind of queer dream is that? You know what my dreams are? An outfielder whose dick doesn’t retreat into his body when he feels the warning track. That and looking for BJs and having my life threatened on a nightly, REM basis. Fuck sabermetricians.

But that’s enough from Wade, let’s go back to asshat Tyler Kepner:

I also think his defensive shortcomings are overstated. His range factor per nine innings was below the league average last season, but he still runs well and his arm is still adequate. Abreu has played at least 151 games in 11 consecutive seasons, but he shies away from outfield walls and his reputation has suffered for it.

His teams have also suffered for it. Jayson Werth ain’t  pussin’ out for some wall. How many fucking games has Abreu lost for this team because of his pussy antics at the plate and in the field? I’m no sabermetrician, but I’m guessing a bucketful. But let’s get back to Ed and horrible comparisons:

“Aaron Rowand is an outstanding player and he brings that blue-collar type of energy to the field, and that’s great. Fans gravitate to that, especially in Philadelphia. Bobby’s so good at what he does and so smooth at doing it, he tends to be underappreciated.”

Wait…wait a fucking second. Did he seriously call Bobby Abreu smooth ? Please, Bobby’s as smooth as a middle-aged prostitute’s mons pubis. Apparently herky-jerky oufielding and running a ball down like you have a butt plug inside you constitutes smoothness.

But there is good news:

A few dominoes could fall in certain places – the Dodgers, the Mets, the Mariners – that might open some options for Abreu

Oh, for Odin’s sake, pleeeeeeasse let him play for the Mets next year. He’s the perfect combination of heartless, overpaid, bitchy, nutless, gutless, and a sabermetrician’s solution to relieve a hard cock. I can hear the boos rain down on him in my sadomasochistic, nihilistic dreams.

*on a side note, anyone that says “general managers can’t spend as much money because of the failing economy” can have my taint for breakfast. Bullshit. Since when has baseball been a reflection of the economy? Endy Chavez made $1.8 million last year.

The Phillies have come to terms with Cole Hamels on a three-year extension worth $20.5 million, thus avoiding arbitration.

SI’s Jon Heyman has all the money-earning details:

The new deal will pay the Phillies’ World Series hero $4.35 million this coming season, then $6.65 million in 2010 and $9.5 million in 2011.

Hamels’ base salary also will increase by $500,000 in any season after he wins a Cy Young Award and by $250,000 if he finishes second or third in Cy Young balloting.

So, basically, the Phillies are getting three years of Hollywood Hamels at a better rate than it would cost for one year of C.C. Sabathia/Johan Santana.  Me likey.

Hamels gets 3-year, $20.5M extension | Sports Illustrated

I might as well point out that they re-upped Greg Dobbs to a two-year, $2.5 million contract as well.

Let me set the scene*:

It is late, 10:05 PM on the nose. He has a deadline to meet, a shithole paper to write for. What is his angle? He loosens the belt on his 46 inch Dockers with the elastic waist, asks his unfuckable hag of a wife to grab him a Diet Caffeine Free Coke with Lemon (thinkin’ juice!!) and heaves his pathetic frame onto his Gateway keyboard. Yes, back to that angle. How about I write something so boring, and something that has been written about 10,000 times before? The behind-the-scenes hero!!! AH HA!! GENIUS!!! “Bitch [his wife], where’s ma Cheetos?!?!”

The Phoenixville… Phoenix Newspaper trotted out some story about some boring butthole in the Phillies management that FUCKIN WON THE WORLD SERIES for them. Or so this overly poetic piece would lead yout to believe:

They are the men behind the show.

Baseball lifers with keen eyes and finely-honed instincts as carefully crafted as a big league bat.

Every night, April to September, in ballparks from Atlanta to Anaheim, they assemble like clockwork behind homeplate with their stopwatches, radar guns, notepads, and digital recorders, charting every pitch and noticing every glitch.

The advance scout.

BLEEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Put a dick in my skull and call me Sally, that’s the most boring imagery ever.

Gauging strengths and weaknesses and tendencies — especially tendencies — is their job.

No, please, no more. Please stop…

[...]working as the Phillies advance scout, accumulating hotel stays and airline miles at the same obscene rate that Ryan Howard racks up strikeouts.

Please, I’m begging you, no more advance scout to Ryan Howard comparisons…

There is constant dialogue between the coaching staff and the advance scout, with no detail too minute or obscure to discuss.

And Dave Kurtz rejects no boring anecdote or quote, no matter how minute or obscure.

On Saturday, Jan. 17, King [the advance scout] will receive the prestigious 2009 George Genovese Lifetime Achievement Award at the Sixth Annual Spirit of the Game dinner/auction in Los Angeles’ Hyatt Regency Century Plaza Hotel in Los Angeles.

The 2009 George Genovese Liftime Achievement Award at the [etc.]!?! Sounds like a party! I’ll bring the alcohol, you bring the pussy.

Okay, I can’t go on any longer. There were 900+ words in this piece of shit. And the balls on this guy, using the title Limerick Resident Helped get Phillies over the Top in 2008. Seriously? Fuck Brad Lidge and Shane Victorino and Matt Stairs home run, some minuscule employee (who happened to be in the organization for 26 years) ‘got them over the top’. And what kind of ass to kiss is an advanced scout? It’s like bragging that you got a handy (for the kids out there, handy=handjob) from a lighting director on ‘Kangaroo Jack’.

I just find it insane how people will trash blogs for being brief, and support dying newspapers to listen to this boring sack of crap droll on about a fuckin’ advance scout. You know what newspapers don’t have? Titties. Katy Perry titties in Mexico.

Titties and asterik after the jump:
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