• Adam Eaton did not accept demotion to the Phillies’ triple-A affiliate in Lehigh Valley. He did, however, agree to accept reassignment to their single-A affiliate in Lakewood.
• The Phillies did not sweep the St. Louis Cardinals at Busch Stadium, as recently reported. They won 2 of 3 games.
• Terry Francona is the current manager of the Boston Red Sox. He is not “a palsied bastard who molests circus freaks.” The author admits he wrote portions of this statement while drunk and bitter.
• Brett Myers chin-beard does not resemble a rat. It looks more like a fetal marmot.
• Bo Diaz, former catcher for the Phillies, died of injuries he sustained from falling off a roof. He was not eaten by a grizzly bear.
• Phillies manager Charlie Manuel was never referred to as “Hillbilly-zilla” during his years playing professional baseball in Japan. His stature, while tall by comparison to the average height of most Japanese men, was not such that a monster-related nickname would be considered appropriate.
• Anna Benson’s tits are not “ginormous.” They are merely bodacious.

We at The Fightins’ regret these and all future errors.

Dear Chamomiles,

What did you mean when you wrote, “If Adam Eaton sucked any worse, he’d be Brett Myers?”

–Confused in Pennsauken

Dear Confused,

I was merely stating that Adam Eaton is a better pitcher than Brett Myers. It was meant to be a compliment. Next time try not to take things so literally.

Dear Chamomiles,

What does VORP mean?

–Baseball Newbie

Dear Newbie,

VORP means little to anyone who’s already lost their virginity. Hope that helps!

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