The Fightins'


Posted by at 1:18 am ET 27 Comments

Wow. Thank you… thank you. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. Have I got some dick jokes for you! But first, let’s have a glance at this cavalcade of losers we’ve assembled. Gosh, I can’t believe every single one of you wasn’t too busy for this!

Lenny Dykstra’s here tonight! Actually, folks, he’s here every night. He lives under the dais. The janitor let him set up a sleeping bag and hot plate in exchange for stock picks and blowjobs. Makes sense. At least the blowjobs won’t disappoint you.

Chris Wheeler, everybody. Chris, do you ever get tired of people saying Harry Kalas STILL has more charisma than you? Chris wrote a book recently, but it wasn’t very well received. In fact, Dyslexia Weekly called it a “pile of sith.”

Larry Bowa’s with us. I don’t want to say Larry rubs players the wrong way, but Cory Lidle was flying his plane around Manhattan when he heard Larry was coming back to the Yankees. [Audience groans] What do you mean, “too soon?” Hey, if Alec Baldwin can joke about it now, I sure as fuck can!

Alright; enough about these fat old bastards. Tonight, we are here to honor Pat “The Bat” Burrell — our “man of the hour,” as he is referred to by prostitutes worldwide.

Here’s a little-known fact about Pat: Whenever a woman between the ages of 18 and 40 goes missing, the police have bloodhounds sniff his finger to help them pick up the scent. Don’t laugh; it fucking WORKS.

I don’t want to say that Pat is sexually overactive, but his cock makes its own condoms. This guy has busted more nuts than a squirrel with an eating disorder.

In college, Pat’s coaches thought he’d become a more focused outfielder if they drew vaginas on the baseballs. The plan backfired because he kept trying to catch them with his tongue.

Pat, are you still married? Really? That’s great! Do you remember what she looks like? Can you pick her out of the crowd? I’ll give you a hint: She’s the one pressing “Lawyer” on her cell phone speed-dial. Ha-ha, oh man, you are taking care of yourself to-NIGHT.

In all seriousness, Pat, you’re a good guy and we’re glad you helped this team win its second world championship. And if the only thing people could find to make fun of me was that I fucked a lot of women, I’d take it in stride, too. You bastard. Now I’d like to wrap up my remarks with one last joke…

 [Picks a female member of the audience] Ma’am, I’ll need your help with this one. Here we go…


 [Woman in the audience]: “Who’s there?”

 ”Pat Burrell’s cock.”

 [Woman]: “Pat Burrell’s cock who?”

 ”Don’t play dumb, lady, I know you’ve seen it.” Thank you, and good night!

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R.I.P Harry Kalas