Phillies vs. Brewers. Yuengling vs. Miller. The #2 heroin capital vs. the cheese capital. Credit to the people at FOX Sports for the useless city comparison. Scooter the Talking Baseball will take it from here.

The last time the Brewers made the playoffs, Jamie Moyer and John McCain were spreading deadly strains of SuperAIDS to the American Indian (double old guy zing!!), Michael Phelps and Dane Cook had yet to double-handedly ruin comedy, and your author for this post wouldn’t exist as a chromosome in his dad’s sack for another five years or so.

The last time the Phillies made the playoffs (last year, dumbass), HDYSR? wasn’t sweating through two shirts per diem, the ‘gigantic fat fuck’ tag didn’t exist, and Clay Aiken was telling us “vagina is delicious”.

[You're welcome I didn't do the price of gas, price of milk, #1 song reminder, known in the sports journalism world as the 'computer-graphic cunt punch']

Now, while most of us couldn’t locate Milwaukee on a map (pretty sure it’s in Alabama or Bulgaria), we know who the Milwaukee Brewers are. Now, dipshits like Tim McCarver and whatever set of losers TBS trots out will bombard us with the ‘Baby Brewers’, the ‘House Money’ reference, and the ‘Pubeless Power Brigade’.

The Brewers are a good young team, but the Phillies should win in 4. As long as the Brewers don’t start Tim Redding, this offense should be capable of beating an inexperienced team. End in-depth analysis and statistical breakdown. Scooter will now tell you what a fastball is. And Joe Buck will find it hilarious in an unfunny, ironic way (where’s that cunt punch when you need it?).

Bring on the [ESPN's] C[h]ubbies. I only hope I bracketed that right.

Game 1 is going to be a doozy. Cole Hamels has had some rough starts, and it will only get tougher, as he faces the reviled TBD. TBD is a legend in the making, comparable to past greats like Cassius “Cash” Considerations and Sal Fasano.

The scouting report via Wikipedia:

“At the beginning of the series, Sam’s past career in baseball was spoken of as though he had been a very good pitcher who might have become a truly great pitcher had he not been derailed by his alcoholism. Even a particularly obnoxious New York Yankees fan, despite being strongly biased — because of the acrimonious Yankees-Red Sox rivalry— toward demeaning the quality of Red Sox players, nonetheless felt compelled to acknowledge that Sam “didn’t stink”, recalling specifically that Sam ‘had a darned good hard slider.’”

I think this hurt his chances as well. Only Jeff Kent and Billy Wagner can get away with that.

• BigMiles on Which One is More Likely?
• Matt on Which One is More Likely?
• Lynniemac on Which One is More Likely?
• Lynniemac on Playoff Diary: Nearly Bartmanesque
• RJ on Playoff Diary: Nearly Bartmanesque