Pitchers and catchers report today. Those words fill the heart of every baseball fan with thoughts of spring and great anticipation for a new season of hope just around the corner. For Yours Truly — the B-Man himself — I am psyched beyond words. More so that I’ve been in years, as a matter of fact. And I’m here to tell you why.

Although my uniform may look different, the heart of a competitor still beats beneath its logo, and the batting-practice arm of a warrior fills the right sleeve. Banish me to Houston, will you, Mr. Amaro? Fine. Ed Wade and I have a message, and you and those other fools back in Philly better listen up: Today is the day I plot my revenge on the team that made me a champion.

While the Phillies were shooting their wad winning division titles and a World Championship, the Astros (aka, my NEW favorite team) were patiently waiting their turn, not wishing to draw attention to their plan of dominating the National League in 2010 and beyond. What plan, you ask? Why, nothing less devious than pretending to appear to other teams as a mediocre franchise, not wishing to reveal their true potential by cleverly finishing fifth in a six-team division. It’s a classic Wadian tactic, and you guys fell for it! Suckers.

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Now it’s time for revenge, and you better believe that, much like my awesome chin beard, the list is growing every day. Here’s just a brief sample of those who should get ready to tremble in their shoes…

1. Charlie Manuel. How dare you pull me from a game just as I was hitting my stride? I do my best work when the bases are loaded and I’ve surrendered three home runs in five innings! “Manager?” Pfft. More like micro-manager.

2. Ruben Amaro, Jr. Bad mistake cutting me loose, amigo. I’m the kind of pitcher franchises are built around, and you’re about to learn that fact the hard way when I step on the mound against that squad of losers you’ve chosen to keep. Watch as I lull your precious Ryan Howard into a state of complacency by allowing him to hit home runs in his first three at-bats! That’s when the Brettster shifts into “lock-down mode,” and when that happens there is nowhere to hide, my friend.

3. Cole Hamels? I’m gunning for you. Now who’s going to hold your hand and dry those precious little lady-tears when the game isn’t going your way? I can’t believe I had to lie to those press weasels and tell them we weren’t fighting during the World Series because you gave up on your teammates. Better hope you don’t face me this year, because I have a gift-wrapped inside fastball with your dainty little name on it.

4. Jose Manero, assistant locker room attendant. You know what you did.

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During his introductory press conference with the Houston Astros yesterday, Brett Myers has some fightin’ words for his ex-team who showed no interest in re-signing the veteran right-hander.

From an Associated Press report out of Houston via Philly.com:

“I wanted to go back to Philadelphia, but they didn’t show an interest, they had other obligations, which is fine with me,” Myers said. He then promised to “stick it” to the Phillies every time he faces them.

OOOOOooooooOOOOHHHHHH! We’re fucking scared over here.

Considering we only face the Astros twice during the regular season (April 9-11 @HOU and again August 24-26 at home), the biggest impact Brett could have against the Phillies is a whopping TWO whole wins. Plus, I’m sure by the second time we see the ‘Stros, Myers will either be injured from “playing catch with his son”, sent back down to the minors to “work on his mechanics”, or suspended after “punching his wife in the face”.
(OH SHIT BRETT, I FUCKING WENT THERE.)

Oh yeah, and Brett also credits Ed Wade for being one of the main reasons he chose Houston. No shit.

“Being familiar with Ed [Wade] made it a lot easier for the transition to be able to come over here and be able to pitch in this state and this city.”

“They beat us six out of seven last year so I know they had a good enough team to put wins together so hopefully I can just add to that and make it seven out of seven.”

By the way, Brett, the Astros only won SIX out of eight last year. And you ain’t “us” no more.

If you’d like, you check out highlights of the Ed Wade-less press conference HERE

Photo via Alyson Footer’s Twitter (@alysonfooter)

I guess the offseason officially begins today.

Shortly after announcing the most obvious option pickup ever when Ruben Amaro extended Cliff Lee’s stay with the Phillies at least one more year, he also told Brett Myers in so many words to hit the bricks. This according to Jim Salisbury of the Inquirer.  Here’s some quotes:

“I officially won’t be a Phillie next year,’’ the 29-year-old pitcher told The Inquirer this afternoon.

“Actually I’m not as disappointed as I thought I’d be,’’ Myers said. “I don’t know if it’s because other things are in front of me, blurring my vision. I’m packing and getting ready to drive home (to Jacksonville, Fla.) tomorrow.”

“It just didn’t hit me as hard as I thought it would. I kind of felt it coming.’’

Myers said Amaro gave him no reason for the decision not to attempt to extend the relationship between the team and the pitcher.

“I was just like, ‘OK, thanks for putting up with my shit,’” Myers said. “He thanked me and wished me and my family well.”

“I’ll miss the guys on the team and the fans who have supported me. Hopefully I’ll be playing against the Phillies and when I do I want the roughest treatment the fans can give me – when I’m pitching. I’m an opposing player – you have to give it to me.’’

And we’ll miss you, too, Brett. Well, at least *I* will.

Myers will not return to Phillies | Phillies Zone

I don’t know how this wasn’t included in the initial report, but @ToddZolecki has the best quote of ‘em all:

That’s cause Brett plays real sports. He’s not trying to be the best at exercising.

A video tribute to Brett Myers put together by commenter Alexander, ATJ…

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Think Brett might’ve smelled a bit too much of alcohol right here?

UPDATE II: YouTube trying to hold a blogger down and shit, disabling his account. Switched hosts.

Today is the day where Brett Myers OFFICIALLY gets activated from the 60-day DL so he can rejoin the team he helped become the 2008 World Fucking Champions. Back in late May, Myers had an issue with his hip that required surgery and most people figured he was done for the season. But neither hip surgery nor a faceplant into concrete would be able to stop Brett from coming back to do it again in ‘09.

So just where, exactly, is he gonna fit in? Don’t look at me, ask Charlie:

“We’ll probably pitch him in the sixth or seventh inning a couple of times to see where he’s at, how he’s throwing, and then work him toward the back end of our bullpen and use him that way,” Manuel said.

Well, Cholly, you can’t get much further back in the bullpen than the sixth or seventh inning.  So really, I think what he’s trying to say is, if Brad Lidge starts fucking up again, don’t be surprised if you hear that god-awful “Soldiers” song blaring from the CBP speakers to start the ninth, only this time it’ll be Brett Myers busting through the gates ready to drop that nasty hook of his on unsuspecting batters and grab the save.

Either way, he should be a welcomed addition to our staff for the stretch run.

Glad to have you back Brett, we missed you pal.

I’ve been patiently waiting for a picture of Brett Myers’ black eye ever since August 14th when he “got hit in the eye with a ball thrown by his son” or “fell out of a truck while sober after leaving the bar at one in the morning where a fight took place”, but everytime Brett was interviewed, he was wearing sunglasses so we couldn’t see.  Well last night in Reading we caught our first glimpse when Comcast cameras and their INSIDE ACCESS! were allowed in the Reading clubhouse to interview our future closer.

It’s not so bad, but that must’ve been a nice shiner on his mug to last nearly two weeks. And I don’t think it’s affected him much either, last night he tossed two scoreless innings, giving up no hits and one walk while striking out five. In his second inning of work (the eighth inning), Myers struck out the side on just 11 pitches.

In Myers We Trust.

Well Brett, you want to “feel like a rockstar” and loved closing and did a pretty decent job at it in 2007. Here’s hoping you get the chance to do it this year. GTFO Lidge…

*actual footage

It should have been a small tidbit, something to file under ‘Brett being Brett,’ but now all the facts and false information have mixed into a collection of convoluted stories, and it has reached a point where you can’t help but ask questions, and then disbelieve the answers.

I first heard about Eyegate when Andy Martino (@phillieszone) tweeted this at 9:47 Saturday morning:

“Myers will not pitch [his rehab start] tonight because he was struck in the eye by a ball while playing catch with his son. More details to come.”

The official story changed a few hours later when Myers said he “felt bad” for not telling the truth. Instead of getting hit in the face by his toddler fireballer, he claimed to have tripped while getting out of his wife’s Escalade and banged his face on the door. This was somehow more embarrassing than his first story. From Todd Zolecki (via The Zo Zone):

“I couldn’t catch myself,” he said. “My face just smashed the side of it. I basically rolled out of the car, and I said, ‘I need a little help. I can’t get up.’ It knocked me silly. It looks like I went 12 rounds with (Mike) Tyson.”I wasn’t drunk by any means. That’s why I feel so stupid right now.”

“I’m an idiot,” Myers said. “I’ve never felt so frickin’ embarrassed in my life. I feel like a total geek.”

Of course, all of this was followed by lighthearted speculation about karmic retribution for Brett’s 2006 arrest because, you know, domestic violence is an evergreen when it comes to comedy. Even Kim Myers was flicking the jab (so to speak), according to Martino & Salisbury:

“‘No, I did not hit him with a frying pan,’ Kim Myers said, with a laugh, while teasing her husband for being a ‘klutz.’”

But now a report has surfaced that there was an altercation at a pub in Jacksonville, FL early Saturday morning, involving one of Myers’s friends, but not Brett himself.

I looked up the establishment’s phone number and called the place this afternoon. An employee who was working during the scuffle told me that it lasted ‘about 5 seconds,’ and it involved Brett’s friend and another patron. According to my witness, they took turns shoving and barking at each other, and Brett then grabbed his friend and left the bar. I’m told some drinks were spilled and somebody was pushed into the drum set, but that was the extent of the ‘damage.’

But this eyewitness report runs contrary to those reported to Andy Martino, who is an actual reporter and way better at this than I. His witnesses claim the altercation lasted for “a pretty good while…and ended when officers from the St. John’s County Sheriff’s office intervened.”

While I find it hard to believe any single person has the entire story straight, I also find it hard to believe that any sort of massively complicated conspiracy is afoot – just a massively confusing aggregate of bizarre facts and titillating half-truths. Before more details come to light, anything else is pure speculation. Besides, stranger things have happened in Escalades, I’m sure of it.

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Philles veteran pitcher and drawer of crucial walks, Brett Myers, is still on the 60-day DL nursing a bum right hip.  He is doing his best to work his way back so he can still play in 2009, and at this point in his rehab, should be starting a long-toss program to ease himself into shape.  Well fuck that, Myers ain’t got time for all that long-tossing and shit.  He’s jumping right in to some simulated games.  From the Daily News:

“I threw everything, the whole kitchen sink,” Myers said of his 21-pitch outing. “I threw basically, like, an inning.”

[...]

“Sunday, I will be right back out there doing a sim-game, then see where that takes me,” he said. “I think they are going to keep me around 20 to 30 pitches to simulate, like, an inning or so. Maybe I will get up to two innings a little bit later.”

The addition of Brett Myers would be an awfully nice option to have out of the ‘pen, but it would also pile on their current problem of too much pitching (I still can’t figure out if that is a problem).  Not so much when the rosters expand in the beginning of September; moreso when they have to trim down to 11 or 12 pitchers for the playoffs.

These are the fellas who would be prime candidates for a spot:

Clifton Phifer Lee, Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, Jay Happ, Brett Myers, Clay Condrey, JC Romero, Chad Durbin, Scott Eyre, Chan Ho Park, Ryan Madson, Brad Lidge, and I’m assuming either Jamie Moyer or Pedro Martinez.  For the sake of argument, we’ll toss Rodrigo Lopez, Kyle Kendrick, and Tyler Walker off the list right now. That still leaves 14 legitimate options for 11 spots.   If everyone is healthy, that will be a difficult choice to make.

But here I am getting waaay ahead of myself talking about playoff rosters in early August.  Forget I even said anything.

Phillies’ Myers says he feels fine after simulated game | Daily News

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