Posts Tagged ‘Braves’
With a divisional rival in town, its only natural for the internet to turn into a festering Petri dish of insults. Braves suck! Phillies suck! Bobby Cox hates women! Charlie Manuel once killed and devoured a bull moose in front of a kindergarten class!
In response to such remarks, we often see our enemies and ourselves breach the topic of “class.” Often times, the “classiness” of the other team’s fans is brought into question, just prior to an insult that questions the “classiness” of ourselves. It is a neverending cycle with no end, and like a snake eating its own tale, we are doomed to choke to death if this keeps up. But not on snake flesh. On unpleasantness.
So we have compiled a short list of ways to install classiness in every baseball game, so that these intense rivalries become the vacant, lifeless sporting events they were intended to be.
And before you even say, “Hey, asshole. What do you know about class?!” maybe you should read my guide to Meeting a Lady at Citizens Bank Park.
4:10PM on FOX
Cliff Lee (9-6) 2.92 ERA
Tommy Hanson (10-4) 2.52 ERA
Thanks to James Fayleez for the pitcher pics
1:35PM on PHL17 and TBS
Roy Halladay (5-2) 2.05 ERA
PHILLIES: Four score and seven years ago we wouldn’t had to pray for this team to score four runs. Luckily, God is pitching today.
Tim Hudson (4-3) 3.09 ERA
BRAVES: I’m not even going to go through the whole no hit thing again because yesterday what I said actually happened. So how about the Phillies score 3 runs off him and Halladay throws a shutout? Cool? Cool.
1:10PM on CSN
Joe Blanton (1-1) 5.83 ERA
PHILLIES: Big Baby Blanton apparently has a “cranky elbow” but is well enough to pitch. I don’t know, he’s bad then he’s good then he’s bad again. I have no idea how he is going to pitch. Then again, I never really have any idea about any pitcher and just make ridiculous assumptions. So, Phillies win. Blanton doesn’t give up a run.
Jair Jurrjens (4-0) 1.50 ERA
BRAVES: Ughhhhh time for another 5 innings of no hit baseball. Ultimately I guess we’ll be thankful for 1 run over 7 innings. Even though he really isn’t particularly good.
7:35 PM on PHL17
( 4-2, 2.83 ERA)
PHILLIES: Cole has faced the Braves twice this season coming into this matchup. He’s split the two games, drawing the loss last week when the Braves were in Philly, but earning the W in Atlanta on April 10th when he pitched seven shutout innings. Whenever you see him with a beard or goatee, that’s actually Joel Hamels, Cole’s evil twin.
(1-1, 2.98 ERA)
BRAVES: Remember that show on FX called “Son of the Beach”? It was awful, but because it was produced by Howard Stern, there was tons of T&A so it was actually kind of awesome. Brandon Beachy is kind of like that show, minus the awesome parts. Basically, I’m saying that Brandon Beachy sucks.
8:00PM on ESPN
Cole Hamels (4-1) 2.66 ERA
PHILLIES: Cole Hamels has been amazing since his bad first start of the year, going 4-0 in those starts. He has owned the Braves in the past and I expect him to do the same tonight. I’m sure FanSince09 disagrees.
Jair Jurrjens (3-0) 1.52 ERA
BRAVES: Jurrjens always inexplicably owns the Phillies and it drives me to the point of insanity. So to cope with that insanity I’ll be getting drunk before/at the game. Cheers.
7:05PM on PHL17
Kyle Kendrick (1-2) 2.08 ERA
PHILLIES: Of course he is pitching when I’m going to the game. Tonight he’ll probably put on lip stick instead of chap stick so he can look pretty while the Braves pound him.
Julio Teheran (0-0) -.– ERA
BRAVES: He’s a rookie that was ranked by MLB.com as the second best right handed pitching prospect. He had a 1.80 ERA in AAA so far this year. He’s bound to no hit us through at least 6 innings. Sorry I’m being so pissy. It’s because I’m going to the game and Kendrick is pitching. It’s like going on vacation for the weekend and you pick the one weekend it rains the entire time.
7:05 PM on TCN and MLB Network
Derek Lowe (2-3, 3.72 ERA, 0.12 BAC)
BRAVES: “Oh, shit, oh shit, oh shit.. I need a breath mint. Where’s… (shuffles through pockets, glove box)… Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, I am in so much fucking trouble. Oh, uh… Hi there, offisher. What, uh… what seems to be the trouble?”
Officer Clifton P. Lee (2-2, 3.66 ERA)
PHILLIES: “Sir, I observed you driving recklessly, swerving, and racing another car down a busy city street. I also detect a strong odor of alcohol on your breath. I’m going to need you to step out of the car, sir. Now.”