Posts Tagged ‘Billy Wagner’
And by that I mean one, curmudgeony old, stinky asshole Billy Wagner. B-Wags has lost the ire of Phillies fans recently due to the departure of Pat “your girlfriend’s pussy tastes like Pat the Bat’s dick” Burrell from the current club. But he is still a pain n the ass and destroyer of teams:
Astros after Wagner: World Series appearance
Phillies after Wagner: World Fucking Champions
Mets after Wagner: Still douchebags, but likely with more wins
That’s why after listening to baby-headed announcers and Muffin reading headlines concerning Wagner’s possible shipment to the Red Sox, I creamed my fucking metaphorical pants (I am not, personally, fond of clothes). Whyso, you might ask?
It’s because something special has been lost this season. There’s a certain mystical wonder and glee that comes from the back and forth of Mets and Phillies fans. The kind of whimsy where they light your car on fire, and you take a dump in their Cracker Jack box after they leave their seat. The joy of throwing a bottle at the backs of their heads is no longer as fun as it once was. Sure, raping them in the NL East standings is fun, but so is calling Jose Reyes synonyms for a vagina from the stands. I don’t want the Mets to be a great team, just good enough for us to shit on their hopes and dreams come September.
Plus, I wouldn’t mind seeing B-Wags destroy Boston. That team and their fans can get fucked. I would like nothing better than to see the Boston Red Sox go 0-162 for the rest of this planet’s existence. Fuck Boston.
Blouse bunnies after the jump:
Because I have footage of it.
Hey, Billy, do you think your son is ready for you to retire? Just curious.
It was a rough day yesterday for the Phils. A heartbreaking loss to the Mets in fourteen twelve innings (it just felt like fourteen) gave us an anti-climactic conclusion to a rain-delayed, thrilling comeback in the ninth inning on a two-out, two-run blast by Jayson Werth off of Billy Wagner.
(So that’s — what, six blown saves for Wags now? Not that I’m counting or anything.)
To make matters worse, the Daily News reports that Tom Gordon has been placed on the 15-day DL following yesterday’s game. So, yeah… tough day.
As is often the case with me, when the major-league teams come up short, I look to our minor leagues for a morale boost. The Soul beat the New York Dragons in the AFL playoffs Saturday, and yesterday Les Walrond of the Lehigh Valley IronPigs made team history. Walrond struck out seventeen batters in nine innings of shutout baseball as the ‘Pigs triumphed over the Louisville Bats*, 2-0.
Les Walrond: Call-up material? Let’s examine why and why not.
Why: In his last week of pitching, these are Walrond’s stats: 2 starts, 15 IP, 11 H, 3 ER (1.80 ERA), 4 BB, 21 Ks. He has some big-league experience (2 call-ups for a total of 17 games). His repertoire of pitches includes a fast-ball, a curve, a slider and a change-up that he’s now improving. Did I mention he’s a lefty? No? He’s a lefty.
Why Not: Despite his recent excellence, Walrond is 3-7 on the season. He’s averaging less than six innings per start (13 GS, 73.1 IP). The sum of his major-league experience (one year with the Royals, one with the White Sox) resulted in a record of 0-3, with an ERA of 7.46. Did I mention he’s 31 years old? No? He’s 31 years old.
[PHOTO CREDIT: RICH SCHULTZ, Allentown Morning Call]
*Why didn’t they just call themselves the “Louisville Sluggers?” Must have been a trademark issue.
When he’s not busy blowing saves, Billy Wagner will gladly offer his wisdom to anyone holding a notebook and pen. In fact, Wagner is known to bring spare notebooks and pens with him, handing them out to random strangers so he can begin spouting off when the spirit moves him.
This time, Wags has proffered his (unsolicited?) opinion on the recent minor-league demotion of the struggling Brett Myers. Kate Fagan, writing for the Inquirer, quotes New York’s outspoken flamethrower as he compares Myers’ situation to that of his former teammate, the late Darryl Kile:
Kile’s record, like Myers’, was 3-9. The Astros sent Kile to Tucson, their triple-A affiliate, for three starts. Myers has made one start for the Phils’ triple-A squad in Lehigh Valley: He pitched five innings, allowing five hits and three runs. Myers is scheduled to pitch again on Monday.
“By the end of that year, [Kile] was pitching in one of the biggest games we had,” Wagner remembered. “It had playoff implications.”
After 1995, Kile won 93 more games until he died of a heart attack during the 2002 season.
Just as that brief shake-up helped Kile, Wagner said, it’s possible Myers’ hiatus could do the same.
Thanks for sharing, I guess.
(This may be the first post I’ve written where the title length exceeds that of the post itself.)
Lord knows given our own sad, pathetic history that it’s no fun to heap scorn upon a team that’s struggling.
Well, maybe just this once…
[Back cover of today's New York Daily News]
- photographer N on Let Me Taste Those Sweet, Sweet Tears
- Tony Is Dynamic on NLDS Game 4: Phillies 5, Rockies 4
- Ozzie Virgil's Beard on NLDS Game 4: Phillies 5, Rockies 4
- maria on NLDS Game 4: Phillies 5, Rockies 4
- Heathcliff Slocumb on NLDS Game 4: Phillies 5, Rockies 4
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