The Fightins'
A Completely Serious A’s/Phillies Series Preview
Posted by Ryan at 4:12 pm ET 28 Comments

I’m not doing too well in my efforts to preview these interleague series for you guys. None of these bloggers I’m emailing will return my emails or calls or anything. It’s like they don’t take this website seriously or something. What the hell?

Anyway, in order to break down this A’s/Phillies series, I asked my friend Justin Klugh from That Ball’s Outta Here and Call to the Pen to answer the questionnaire that those lousy A’s bloggers were too high and mighty to fill out for me.

Ryan: Oakland comes into this series in Philadelphia dead-last in the American League west. How does this look against their expectations heading into the season? Do they have a chance at finishing the season at .500?
Oakland A’s 2011 Check List:
  • Hope Moneyball trailer is halfway decent
  • Use trailer to garner sympathy as poorest of the poor teams
  • Allow other teams to lose out of pity
  • Ignore fans disgusted with strategy reeking of cowardice
  • Fire manager to penetrate national media
  • Fail to use exposure for any real purpose
  • Send Josh Willingham to DL for second try at national exposure
  • Shit bed
  • Spend winter wondering what all that was about

R: The oldest starting pitcher in the A’s rotation right now is 27. The youngest is also their best; Trevor Cahill. Cahill was dominant in 2010, winning 18 games with a 2.97 ERA and he’s looking just as solid in 2011. What does the future hold for Cahill?

J: The same as it holds for the rest of us: dying alone.  Judging by the picture on his Wikipedia page, he is also fat and clueless or about to give someone an unsatisfactory hug.  Also I just read his nickname is “Trevordactyl.”  So I could see him getting his ass kicked by junior high school bullies who throw his box of toy dinosaurs he brought for show and tell into the sewer.

R: As good as Cahill has been in 2011, Gio Gonzalez has maybe been even better. He currently sports a 2.59 ERA though just under 100 IP. Is Gonzalez going to be a cornerstone of a future A’s club, or will he end up as yet another Billy Beane trade chip?

J: All Billy Beane sees is numbers.  Right?  Like, he can’t look a man in the eye because all he sees are swirling clouds of BABIPs and xFIPs dancing around.  That’s why he swaps guys around like a human trafficker; even if they’re begging, “Please, Billy, please–my wife said she’d leave me if I moved us again,” or “Come on, man, the hospital here has the perfect resources to combat my kid’s morbid obesity,” the man can just shake his head, check his phone, and be played by Brad Pitt.  I’d say no man is safe on that roster.

R: Oakland has been rumored to be relocating to San Jose for a couple of years now. Do you think this is ever going to happen? What’s holding up the deal?

J: I’ve never been to the Coliseum but I imagine it smells like a carnival that refuses to leave town; decades-old machinery and second hand smoke.  I think Oakland assumes it could leave, but it hasn’t thought things through.  Like a child threatening to run away from home, they don’t seem aware of the potential dangers lurking outside the safety of O-Town:  Packs of feral dogs that have tasted human blood and can never be satisfied by anything else, Brendan Ryan’s mustache patrolling the western seaboard in a windowless van, any murderous hobos @PhilliesWheeler hasn’t raped to death.  I don’t think San Jose is going to offer protection from these sorts of everyday problems.  If my 23 minutes in Jack London Square at 6 am on a Sunday were any indication, Oakland is a quiet, subdued town with very few problems outside of malfunctioning ticket machines.  The A’s should count their blessings.

R: Wait, what were you doing at a train station in Oakland at six in the morning?

J: Looking for Trevoir Cahill’s lost dinosaurs.

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28 Responses to “A Completely Serious A’s/Phillies Series Preview”

  1. Magowan says:

    They suck so bad they’re in last place in TWO divisions. Nice. Let’s get the sweep!

  2. Birchum says:

    Oakland is in the AMERICAN LEAGUE West.

  3. Zach says:

    As a Phillies fan who managed to catch the interleague series at the Coliseum back in 05, I can truthfully say that June 2005 was the first and last time I ever pissed into a trough full of ice at a major league stadium. I think the speakers must have been broken too, because the main audio entertainment was provided by a single man with a trombone in the outfield bleachers.

    Shitty carnival indeed.

  4. DP says:

    Philadelphia’s 2011 Check List:

    Win another WFC

    Do not upgrade the offense, cross fingers it returns to 2008 status

    Keep Baez no matter how much he sucks

    Pretend Raul Ibanez has some gas left in the tank

    Sell out every home game

    Absolutely, no matter what, keep Michael Martinez, even if it uses up a valuable roster spot

    Extend David Herndon’s contract

  5. Old man says:

    Awesome preview

  6. DanB says:

    I guess this is the open game thread. Pistachio Emily was just on TV.

  7. Chutley JRoll Buttslap says:

    Lmao remember when Pedro Martinez was a Phillie?

  8. Gene Schall says:

    Fucking squinty-eyed asshole. REMEMBER PEARL HARBOR!

  9. Milt Thompson says:

    Jap players always kill the phils

  10. Pete Rose's Massage Parlor Girlfriend says:

    Fuck u

  11. No ones cares says:

    This offense can definitely win the World Series

  12. DP says:

    The offensive ineptidue is beyond ridiculous at this point. I’m likely panicking but starting to think even 1 bat won’t do.

  13. Jay Grace says:

    The redsox series should be interesting if they can’t score

  14. Lenny Dykstra's moral compass says:

    Red Sox pitching sucks though right?

  15. Gene Schall says:

    “Good morning, good afternoon, and so long.” – Tits McCarthy

    Are you shitting me? “So long” Dude’s dumber than a “screen door on a battle ship.”

  16. No ones cares says:

    Cmon Benny fresh. You are fuckin due, son.

  17. Van Swirly says:

    Benny FRESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. DanB says:

    I think Charlie is drunk…

  19. Amy Fadool's Tits says:

    Zero Tool Benny has been clutch lately

  20. Nino Espinosa says:

    I love Charlies post interview…he basically told the reporters they gave away that Madson is not available and Chooch had a root canal today.

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