With everyone’s favorite ponophobic right fielder Bobby Abreu still looking for a team, New York Times resident dumbass Tyler Kepner inquired why this former home run derby champ was jobless*. And where did he go for his insight? Well, it’s only fitting that he contacted Astros GM and Houston’s resident dumbass, Ed Wade:
“He’s a sabermetrician’s dream, from the standpoint of what he produces statistically,” Wade said.
What!!! What kind of queer dream is that? You know what my dreams are? An outfielder whose dick doesn’t retreat into his body when he feels the warning track. That and looking for BJs and having my life threatened on a nightly, REM basis. Fuck sabermetricians.
But that’s enough from Wade, let’s go back to asshat Tyler Kepner:
I also think his defensive shortcomings are overstated. His range factor per nine innings was below the league average last season, but he still runs well and his arm is still adequate. Abreu has played at least 151 games in 11 consecutive seasons, but he shies away from outfield walls and his reputation has suffered for it.
His teams have also suffered for it. Jayson Werth ain’t pussin’ out for some wall. How many fucking games has Abreu lost for this team because of his pussy antics at the plate and in the field? I’m no sabermetrician, but I’m guessing a bucketful. But let’s get back to Ed and horrible comparisons:
“Aaron Rowand is an outstanding player and he brings that blue-collar type of energy to the field, and that’s great. Fans gravitate to that, especially in Philadelphia. Bobby’s so good at what he does and so smooth at doing it, he tends to be underappreciated.”
Wait…wait a fucking second. Did he seriously call Bobby Abreu smooth ? Please, Bobby’s as smooth as a middle-aged prostitute’s mons pubis. Apparently herky-jerky oufielding and running a ball down like you have a butt plug inside you constitutes smoothness.
But there is good news:
A few dominoes could fall in certain places – the Dodgers, the Mets, the Mariners – that might open some options for Abreu
Oh, for Odin’s sake, pleeeeeeasse let him play for the Mets next year. He’s the perfect combination of heartless, overpaid, bitchy, nutless, gutless, and a sabermetrician’s solution to relieve a hard cock. I can hear the boos rain down on him in my sadomasochistic, nihilistic dreams.
*on a side note, anyone that says “general managers can’t spend as much money because of the failing economy” can have my taint for breakfast. Bullshit. Since when has baseball been a reflection of the economy? Endy Chavez made $1.8 million last year.
15 Comments on “Seriously!?! People still look to Ed Wade for insight?”
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General
February 2nd, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Wow, Ed Wade really seems to like Bobby Abreu. He spends a couple of paragraphs talking like he’s an under-appreciated Mickey Mantle.
If only Wade were in some sort of position that would allow him to do something about this misunderstood baseball genius’ unemployment…
Oh, that’s right…ED WADE IS THE GENERAL MANAGER OF THE ASTROS!
How about you put your money where your mouth is, Ed. I’d even be willing to kick in a few bucks if you sign him to play centerfield. I’d LOVE to see how he handles that hill in Houston.
February 2nd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
You are a fucking moron. Why don’t you go learn something about sabermetrics before you categorically bash it? You sound like Bill Conlin or Joe Morgan or Howard Eskin with his idiotic Abreu bashing. And though your posts stopped being funny after the first one, you should really stick to the breathless, curse-laden rants about irrelevant Phillies minutiae, how much jager you drank last night, and titties, because you clearly don’t know shit about the statistical side of the game. Thats what The Fightins is good for anyways.
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Holy fucking shit, you gonna let Fuqua talk to you like that?!
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
@Fuqua
1.)Thank you for thinking my first post was funny, I think it was average at best.
2.) I didn’t drink Jager last night, I drank it this morning.
3.) Here are some statistics(almost):
Phillies with Abreu: No championships
Yankees with Abreu: Short playoff runs
Phillies without Abroo: World Fucking Champions
Fuck sabermetrics (metric!?! What is this, Communist Canada?)
Meech and Chamo, you have some catching up to do; I now have three commenters that truly despise me.
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
To be fair, Ed Wade looks smart.
February 2nd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Ed Wade looks like a shaved nutsack!
Evidence- http://morehardball.blogspot.com/2009/01/more-twins-other-than-minnesota.html
February 2nd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Bobby, to me, was like the baseball embodiment of Ricky “for who, for what?” Waters except without the beat downs of the Cowboys and the general effort level…..well Ok, they are alike only in that Ricky quote sort of way. There’s a glaringly bottom line thing at work here about Abreu. It has a name…. that name is, “winning.”
So there you have it. And while sabermetrics aren’t exactly irrelevant or banal, it does help the baseball geeks out there completely disregard and overlook those players whose contributions shouldn’t be statistically evaluated.
A ballplayer is a ballplayer is a ballplayer. Keep it simple. Leave the stats to the arbiters and card collectors.
February 2nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
With the game on the line, Abreu never swung the bat, always looking for the base on balls. I love Sabermetrics, but in this case, fuck it.
February 2nd, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Lest we forget Ed Wade was the one who drafted Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard, Cole Hamels, Brett Myers, Chase Utley, Ryan Madson, Its great Gillick got all these role players, but without the stars we become the Pittsburgh Pirates and have banners hanging outside the stadium of Eric Bruntlett, Pedro Feliz and our STAR PLAYER Jayson Werth.
February 2nd, 2009 at 8:37 pm
touche mike. But theres also the possibility that Wade would not have used those players the same way Gillick did. Wade may have chosen to deal these players but who knows
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Uh, I read this post, got to the bottom, and it didn’t say ‘titties after the jump’. Please get on your shit man.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:08 am
Arbuckle drafted those guys and now Wade gets credit. Big Ed is still a great GM…he gave up Lidge and Bruntlett for an Endy Chavez clone and Big Game Geary, but I bet the sabermetric tables told him it was a great move. I heard the Phils next deal with Wade is Eaton, the remaining money owed to Thome, the exclusive rights to Doug Glanville and a batting glove Gregg Jefferies left behind for Oswalt and Berkman.
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:02 am
Don’t you ever say an unkind word about Doug Glanville.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:46 am
Oh, I love Doug Glanville and what he gave to some pretty awful Phillies teams, but Wade loves that he can have a back up if Abreu doesn’t sign…Doug Glanville hasn’t appeared in a game in 3 or 4 years yet he some how has played harder than Abreu.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 am
agreed with the reverend. you bite your goddamn tongue about his holiness, mr. doug glanville.