Let me set the scene*:

It is late, 10:05 PM on the nose. He has a deadline to meet, a shithole paper to write for. What is his angle? He loosens the belt on his 46 inch Dockers with the elastic waist, asks his unfuckable hag of a wife to grab him a Diet Caffeine Free Coke with Lemon (thinkin’ juice!!) and heaves his pathetic frame onto his Gateway keyboard. Yes, back to that angle. How about I write something so boring, and something that has been written about 10,000 times before? The behind-the-scenes hero!!! AH HA!! GENIUS!!! “Bitch [his wife], where’s ma Cheetos?!?!”

The Phoenixville… Phoenix Newspaper trotted out some story about some boring butthole in the Phillies management that FUCKIN WON THE WORLD SERIES for them. Or so this overly poetic piece would lead yout to believe:

They are the men behind the show.

Baseball lifers with keen eyes and finely-honed instincts as carefully crafted as a big league bat.

Every night, April to September, in ballparks from Atlanta to Anaheim, they assemble like clockwork behind homeplate with their stopwatches, radar guns, notepads, and digital recorders, charting every pitch and noticing every glitch.

The advance scout.

BLEEEEECCHHHHHH!!!!! Put a dick in my skull and call me Sally, that’s the most boring imagery ever.

Gauging strengths and weaknesses and tendencies — especially tendencies — is their job.

No, please, no more. Please stop…

[...]working as the Phillies advance scout, accumulating hotel stays and airline miles at the same obscene rate that Ryan Howard racks up strikeouts.

Please, I’m begging you, no more advance scout to Ryan Howard comparisons…

There is constant dialogue between the coaching staff and the advance scout, with no detail too minute or obscure to discuss.

And Dave Kurtz rejects no boring anecdote or quote, no matter how minute or obscure.

On Saturday, Jan. 17, King [the advance scout] will receive the prestigious 2009 George Genovese Lifetime Achievement Award at the Sixth Annual Spirit of the Game dinner/auction in Los Angeles’ Hyatt Regency Century Plaza Hotel in Los Angeles.

The 2009 George Genovese Liftime Achievement Award at the [etc.]!?! Sounds like a party! I’ll bring the alcohol, you bring the pussy.

Okay, I can’t go on any longer. There were 900+ words in this piece of shit. And the balls on this guy, using the title Limerick Resident Helped get Phillies over the Top in 2008. Seriously? Fuck Brad Lidge and Shane Victorino and Matt Stairs home run, some minuscule employee (who happened to be in the organization for 26 years) ‘got them over the top’. And what kind of ass to kiss is an advanced scout? It’s like bragging that you got a handy (for the kids out there, handy=handjob) from a lighting director on ‘Kangaroo Jack’.

I just find it insane how people will trash blogs for being brief, and support dying newspapers to listen to this boring sack of crap droll on about a fuckin’ advance scout. You know what newspapers don’t have? Titties. Katy Perry titties in Mexico.

Titties and asterik after the jump:

*some lady at work asked me if I was ’scene’. That’s why I’m specifically pissed off. Calling a metal guy ’scene’ is like calling a Japanese person Chinese.

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