The Fightins'
I want my lunchbox
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 5:29 pm ET 43 Comments

This past Sunday, Howdy S. Thompson treated the poor bastards who birthed myself and Mrs. HDYSR? and her parents to their first ever Phillies game. Being the slightly above minimum wage earner and gent that I am, I sprung for Pavilion deck seating. They didn’t give a fuck where we sat, and neither did I. What I really wanted was the fucking Cole Hamels lunch box. I did not receive my fucking lunch box.

The Nationals are the essential AA team (not AA like that stupid shit cockwand Josh Hamilton believes in to cure his public image himself of his problems, but AA minor league baseball). They don’t even qualify as AAA due to the fact that you can see the Nationals twice in one year and not recognize a single player besides Will Ferrell. No one wants to see the fucking Nationals. I’ll watch Betty White deepthroat Larry King before I pay to see the infield power of Ian Desmond and the future Hall of Fame plays of Michael Morse. That leads me to the next point: the fucking elderly.

In an ideal world, we wouldn’t have to deal with these piles of grey clogging up our Shoprites, slowing down our roads, and cockblocking us from getting Cole Hamels lunch boxes. I, personally, wanted a Cole Hamels lunch box because I need something to put my lunch in besides a supermarket bag. Living in North Jersey, I also wanted it to be a personal “fuck you” to all the cocksucking Mets fans and bandwagon Yankees fans around me. Is a lunch box childish? No. It holds a lunch, and shows my fandom of a team. As a man who occasionally rocks a Gengar shirt, I don’t give a fuck, I like the way it looks.

It was also within reason, I believed, to try to get one for Mrs. Howdy S and her parents because they had never been to the Phillies’ park and wanted a little fucking piece of fucking memorabilia for their first fucking fan fucking experience at Citizens fucking Bank Park. But no, some slimy, old, gray-pubed bitch stalwarted us. Fine, it’s an hour before game time and there should be some kids coming in later that would want one. Around the third inning, I found another old cunt who had at least 50 of these lunchboxes. My youthy-looking girlfriend kindly asked for one, and the semen rag denied her. What use is it to hold on to several dozen lunch boxes if no one is coming into the park? Was there going to be a sudden surge of utes halfway through the game?  Tittyfuck me in the ass, no, there wasn’t going to be. Bitch is probably going to put them on eBay within this week and sell them for a profit like the dusty cunt she was. Fuck these glorified WalMart greeters and their high from the base level of power they’re given.

The big issue is that the Phillies have a ton of giveaways, but there are a thousand separate qualifications to get them. Sarge hat for men 15 and older, titty cancer medallion for female fans, Eric Clapton Phillies jersey for parents with SIDS babies, Alyssa Milano’s pussy for…well, that’s for anyone who can throw a baseball.

Kids at baseball games can be a beautiful experience for a young baseball fan, but 90% of the time it’s some moon face retard staring at you the entire game with ice cream all over his face or some loud mouth that screams the most inane and base advice towards the players or a receptacle for puke (Really kid, you just asked for Roy Oswalt to get a home run? Go back to taking pictures of your asshole and posting them on MySpace and liking Gullah Gullah Island on Facebook you worthless piece of shit). Trying to lure children into the stadium with lunch boxes and the Phanatic like a forty year old man with Gushers and Silly Bands on his dick irritates me. Why is it that I, the consumer who spent over $200 on tickets and food and souvenirs cannot be given a lunch box that cost $3 to make? Those Guatemalan babies worked 17 hours that day for a nickel to make those lunch boxes, and I wanted to enjoy one.

I want my fucking lunchbox. Also, tits (FOR US FUCKING ADULTS):

43 Responses to “I want my lunchbox”

  1. Tug Haines says:

    YES!!! So good to see you!

  2. Justin says:

    Post of the year.

  3. Mark M. says:

    Dusty cunt describes them perfectly.

  4. Swift says:

    Howdy nails it with another article. Love your pieces dude, they’ve been funny since the beginning of the Fightins. Glad to see you posting again.

    Oh… and god damn Katy!

  5. acasualobserver says:

    THIS is the reason I check this site about two dozen times a day.

  6. Arsebag says:

    I forgot sports blogs were for menses.

  7. Phils Phan says:

    Sweet Jesus, I think this blog is back.

  8. Philly Phanatic says:

    Finally, a post worthy of your best Phillies blog status. Excellent.

  9. crazy4swayze says:

    couldn’t agree more. there was one on ebay last night for $40 but it’s gone now. incidentally, classy move by the person who took the bag from a kid to sell it.

    still plenty of ryan howard garden gnomes available though. i love the “buy it now for $100″ option on some of them. what the fuck is wrong with people?

  10. phillygirl says:

    if anyone has an extra ticket to tomorrow’s game, i want it! because i want the bobble! for real. i went on sunday and couldn’t get one of those lunch boxes either and it’s a hot lunch box. a couple of parents were carrying their beers around in it. and no one wanted to lend me and my friend a kid. :(

  11. Cole Handsome says:

    First, I’m shocked that How Do You Spell Retard? makes barely over minimum wage. Second, the marketing department pigeonholed my wonderful creation. I want to ge associated with the young adult demos, which have higher purchasing power. Why can’t this be a carry-all?

  12. Mark M. says:

    That lunchbox looks a little effeminate. Poor Cole. Even gets his name on the queer promotions.

  13. Andrea says:

    Preach! *high five*

  14. Dubee Dubee Du says:

    Clutch Howdy.
    When the Fightins needed a homerun most you delivered.

    Unlike those retards Shep and Gil who both struckout. Damn shit ain’t even funny if you could read it. DaMustangHolla that shit was funny these wannabees are just another Romeo G. Riverside.

    Forgive me for ranting on about that post here but I disliked the post so much I couldn’t even bring myself to comment on it.

    Thankfully Howdy and Katy to the rescue.

  15. will.H says:

    two utes

  16. Jon D says:

    @will.H- Two hwat?

  17. maria says:

    Howdy, that was beautiful. Nothing will stop me from getting the Chooch bobblehead, though. It’s the fucking cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

  18. Professor Moyer says:

    Howdy, perfection is thy name.

  19. Katherine says:


  20. Brandon says:

    If there was a sports bible ever created, this would be on the first page. Spoken like a prophet, HDYSR?.

  21. Shawn says:

    I too had a similar experience with a wrinkled old cock who wouldn’t give up a cholly manual bat to me after the game was well into the 5th inning. Great post!! I will laugh thinking about this for days!!!

  22. James Fayleez says:

    Blame the Phillies for continuing to perpetuate the idea that Cole Hamels is a fruit.

    the lunchbox – i rest my case.

  23. gregotto says:


  24. Mrs. HDYSR? says:

    I still don’t understand what the fuck a one-year old is going to do with a lunchbox! The parents are the ones using it anyway and they’re not 14 or younger! It took all my strength to not either kidnap some kid to get me one or pay $5 to a kid to give me his.

    Also, Katy Perry has nice tits.

  25. Dubee Dubee Du says:

    Mrs. HDYSR? you are so right on with your complaint. What does a one year old need with a lunchbox. All the lunch they would need is right behind those well placed arms of Katy’s.

  26. Lynniemac says:

    Mrs. HDYSR?, in my experience, offering a kid $5 for his lunchbox probably wouldn’t have worked. A few years ago, I offered a kid $20 for his Mike Lieberthal bobblehead (don’t judge me, people). He laughed and demanded $50. Little fucker. A week later, I got one on eBay for $15.

  27. Youngin?!? says:

    Welcome back sir.

  28. Chutley's Impressed by Mac's Speed says:

    Fan -fuckin-tastic, Howdy. Couldn’t agree more. This whole “fans 14 and under” shite is my second most hated aspect of the way CBP is being handled this year, behind only the Johnny-come-lately “fans” who make the rest of us look bad (who don’t know shit about the game itself, much less that you DON’T INTERFERE WITH BALLS IN PLAY) and just ahead of the police Jihad to clear all parking lots by the 2nd inning (this is ranked lower because, honestly, you should be in the park for the first pitch… Although, what if you wanna tailgate and be part of the experience but don’t have a ticket? Fucking idiot meathead bachelor party murder…).

    I don’t care how childish it may seem or how ridiculous a pet peeve it is. I’ve been a season ticket holder for the life of the Bank. I didn’t complain when they raised prices in ’09. I didn’t bitch when we got one less playoff game in ’09 then in ’08. Buy gods dammit, I want my fucking Chase Utley action figure!

    Last year, a buddy of mine actually pretended (successfully) to be retarded so that he could get a Shane Victorino Flyin’ Hawaiian Bobblehead.

    What does it say about an organization’s appreciation of its loyal fanbase when said fans must fein a mental disability just to obtain a token of the club’s appreciation which should – by all rights – be available to ALL of the team’s supporters…. Especially the ones that… You know… PAID FOR THE FUCKING YOUNGSTERS’ TIX.

  29. Watrick says:

    I’m 28, and I still can get the under 14 giveaways. I got the Charlie Manuel bat a couple months back. It was awesome, I gave it to my girlfriend’s nephew, and the kid couldn’t have been happier to get it.

  30. Watrick says:

    Also, this is why I read the fightins dot com. I wouldn’t mind the fact that there’s game threads and recaps if there was a little more of this sprinkled in. I have a facebook feed to see in game comments, and there’s so many other sites that offer recaps of the games, but this is why the fightins dot com started, and it should be why it continues.

  31. Good says:

    Couldn’t have said it better! This is the reason this blog is the BEST around. Not only is it about the team I love the most, but I get to hear honest points of views about the fuckin’ idiots in this world! Keep up the good work guys!

  32. PreserveJon says:

    Mmmmm. Katy Perry.

  33. Kirk Lazarus says:

    So Chutley, your friend…did he go full retard?
    I remember going to a game at the vet with a buddy, he wanted the kids giveaway. I tried to pay a kid for his but my friend stopped me. Said he had a plan. You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001,Liberty Bell baseball Pez dispenser. Went full retard, went home empty handed…

  34. jake says:

    i still pass haha.

  35. remember says:

    trying too hard.

  36. what can brown do for you? says:

    This was amazing. I too have had my experience with many of the old fucks working at CBP. They act like these giveaways belong to them or something. Well said, Howdy.

  37. Lynniemac says:

    As much as I hate the “only for fans 14 and under” thing (and I do – seriously, how many fans 14 and under buy the damn tickets?), at least it’s better than promotions in the minors. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost out by being the two thousand and first adult through the gate at Reading.

  38. Amy Fadool says:

    When are you guys going to post a nekkid picture of me?

  39. @ Jake and Watrick

    Last year, at the age of 20, I got the Jimmy Rollins wristbands that were only for 14 and under. I still have the same mustache and sideburn growth (I’m Irish) since then, which confused me to why I didn’t get the giveaway.

    Dusty. Old. Cunts.

  40. Todd Pratt says:

    Pathetic beyond words.

  41. Eric says:

    hey great article !!!! i would’ve wrote just about the same thing myself i was at that game and ask for one they had a shit load left and told me no !!!! they are exactly what you said !!!! i wanted one for the same reason as you work …lunch…..and to show my phillies pride ! did i get one No !!! so i also like to give a big FUC* yoU to the piece of shit attendants if i worked there id give them to everyone who ask for one after the game had started and no more kids were coming in!!!! i bet they did put them on ebay like you said ….. good thing i caught a homerun ball !!:) that took my anger away for a bit anyways lol !!!! and with that id just like to say fuck off u scum ass attendants and GO PHILLIES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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