The Fightins'
Jun
10
2011
Howdy S. Thompson: Cicada of Hate, Social Critic, and Purveyor of Famous Jugs
Posted by How do you spell retard? at 3:00 pm ET 26 Comments

*also, master of wordy blog article titles

Like a cicada, I pop out of the earth once every couple of years to yell “fuck you” at the rest of the world, then burrow back down to gather my distastes and reformulate. Those of you reading this right now may not even know who I am, just as I am unaware of a majority of the authors on this site. To summarize for those who haven’t been following the Fightins’ for as long as others, I’m a hate filled recluse, someone who uses AIDS jokes as a crutch, and I rely on my blue-balled perversion as a means to escape and distort others’ reality. And I love Chris Wheeler.

On a recent trip to Disney World, I noticed a disturbing trend (besides the slack-jawed yokels, their dumbass kids, and the perpetual bat wings that plagued me in the brutal Florida heat). Most people reading this are Phillies fans who live in the Delaware Valley, so Phillies apparel on strangers is the norm. So whilst in Florida I was initially proud to see so many Phillies shirtseys. But like a seasoned bukkake actor, they kept coming. Five, ten, there were days when I saw twenty different people in Phillies gear. Was it possible that the entire Philadelphia area was on vacation? Not likely. I barely even saw any Yankees shirtseys, even though they are a team synonymous with merchandise whoredom.

This lead me to a realization: The Phillies are becoming the new Red Sox.

Being the dick in America’s tight little asshole is a role most Philadelphians are accustomed to. It’s an honest line of work. Beer bottles to the head, brutally attacking Mets fans, throwing up on children, and drunk teens endangering the lives of all those around them on Dollar Dog Night. As George Carlin once said, “all very necessary activities, by the way”. I’d rather hear a story about some Phillies fan shitting in a nun’s mouth than whisperings of Fever Pitch 2 staring Will Smith. America’s dick (Phillies) is a far better thing than America’s forced sweatheart (Red Sox). The Phillies are becoming too likable and cutesy. Many of us now realize that not everyone hates us. That the Phillies are a national story, and many are following the team because of the likeability of the players. The Phillies stadium has become a playground for babies and tourists, a friendly atmosphere exists on Broad Street. That friendliness is killing what was once a unique atmosphere to witness a sporting event. Philadelphia has to get its fucking edge back.

Many, if not all of you, will disagree with me. This viewpoint is immature, inhumane, or stupid. Those of you who believe this are also likely to believe that Denis Leary and Jimmy Fallon should not be euthanized, just for being such annoying little shits.

But this comparison is not a call to violence, just an end to becoming too cutesy. People like to say what makes Philly great is it’s passion, fan’s knowledge, or some other queer proclamation made by a mayor looking to get reelected or a coach looking to open a restaurant. I think what makes Philadelphia great is the potential for dangerous, obnoxious fans. It keeps you on your fucking toes. It’s what makes us human. People around me (I was born and grew up in South Jersey, but now I live outside of the Philadelphia area) always say “Oh, your a Phillies fan, that means you hate the Mets, right?”.

No, I’m a Phillies fan, that means I hate everybody. Fuck you, national media. Your interest in Philly shall not go the way of Red Sox Nation. *stands outside door, waiting for a reporter, molotov cocktail in hand*

*Due to the complexities of good and evil, I have finally decided to stop posting pictures of Katy Perry’s tits. Her mindless, destroyer-of-intelligent-thought brand of singing finally surpassed the good her tits were doing. She is no longer a relatively famous big jugged singer, but a famous singer who happens to have big jugs. Non-shitty pop star titties after the jump:

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26 Responses to “Howdy S. Thompson: Cicada of Hate, Social Critic, and Purveyor of Famous Jugs”

  1. yellowbird says:

    haters gonna hate

  2. TC says:

    I’m with HDYSR. I learned all my adult words in the 700 level in the 80s. Back when they had twi-night double headers, Bull blasts, and you could bring an entire family’s dinner in a cooler. We had fucking style. We had invective. Now we have a great stadium and a winner on the field and we look like those fucking chowdah heads.

  3. HummerX says:

    FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YESSS HOWDYS BACK. I didn’t even read this yet. I just wanted to comment on it because i’ll likely forget afterwards

  4. Griswold says:

    Welcome back HDYSR, I’ve missed you. Can I eat your soul?

  5. Who Wants to Sex Mutombo? says:

    “No, I’m a Phillies fan, that means I hate everybody.”

    Fucking spot on

    and Fuck Wheels

  6. Jim says:

    You lost me at “I love Chris Wheeler”.

  7. TN Phils Phan says:

    No matter how “nice” the stadium looks and feels, the real Phillies fans are there, bigger and badder and more obnoxious than ever. You should have heard what was being picked up by the mics late in the game last night on the Cubs WGN broadcast! You made me proud to be a Phillies fan!

    We are just as hated as ever by others (despite any perceived popularity).

  8. mc says:

    This article was really, really twisted, sick and deeply disturbing.

    OK, to be fair, it was actually just one sentence: “And I love Chris Wheeler.” Just the sort of thing that gives Phils fans their bad reputation.

  9. Moon Shot says:

    I didn’t know GG Allin was a Phillies fan

  10. SquirrelBoy says:

    Ahh Howdy, good to have you back sir. I do appreciate the Dennings photo as well. She’s from the Philly area too. As I was telling my friend who’s a Cubs fan and anyone who will listen to me for more then 5 minutes, I want the Phillies to start losing again so the fucking bandwagoners break their fucking legs jumping off. Let those douchy frat boys and soristitutes from the 5 go back to their houses and out of my goddamn stadium.

  11. TN Phils Phan says:

    Harry didn’t like Wheels. That’s all you need to know.

  12. Alex says:

    Google ” Kat Dennings leaked pics.” You will be very happy w/ the results.

  13. SquirrelBoy says:

    @alex I cried at what I have been given by you.

  14. Muscles says:

    Bite It You Scum

  15. Whoot There It Is! says:

    This Red Sox Nation corollary isn’t really a new concept to anyone that’s been paying attention over the last 2-3 years.

    And to be honest, who gives a shit? The more revenue the Phils see, the better chance we have at sustained success. We can all get in a pissing contest about who grew up in the 700 level. I did too. ’89-’95. Guess which year was the most memorable? Fuck all this idealistic whinery. I want a winner.

    Whining about bandwagon fans is like the guy who has to let everyone know he was listening to the band before everybody else.

    With that said, Long Live Philly Assholes

  16. Anthony says:

    Nobody knows G.G. Allin.

  17. Muscles says:

    apparently 3 people do

  18. stinkbug says:

    said.

  19. Nikita says:

    Many of us now realize that not everyone hates us. That the Phillies are a national story, and many are following the team because of the likeability of the players.

    Agree with the likeability of the players part, but the Phillies are definitely hated, judging from all the gloating and celebration on the mlb boards when Doc lost to JJ in Florida. The haters came out from across the land to revel in our pain and remind us of the team’s 10000 losses. Rest easy, Howdy, the Phillies are not universally loved or admired.

    I don’t recognize the girl in the bresses pic but she looks like my cousin Carmela.

  20. chilly says:

    the one thing i miss about living in dc is talking shit to the 15% of people who are actually from there that care deeply about their shitty sports teams. i remember the skins starting one year 2-1 and i said, enjoy your season now, it will be over by oct 10th. caps, nats, wizards… they all stunk then and i felt the need to remind them of that on a daily basis.

    fuck them, they will never be as great of a sports city as philly. nowhere is. great article.

    ps: thanks for the tits, i’m ready to drink now!

  21. FirstTimer says:

    i don’t know about you, but i go to disney world quite often. and i always rock my phillies gear. i make my family wear it too. yes. i’m one of them. a family of 4 that dresses alike in Disney World. perhaps when i visit next month i should wear shirt there that says “Im from philly so i can fucking wear this”

  22. cornibal says:

    fuck as a phillies fan i hate phillies fans the most. these little pricks that are under 30 have no idea the pain it took to get this fucked up… oh yeah and fuck chase utley. i hate that prick too.

  23. Sy says:

    Great article. While I don’t agree with everything, it’s very well written.

    Bonus points for the tits being from some whore from Bryn Mawr. And yes, the leaked pics of her are glorious.

  24. My day has been made. Not only does Howdy return to The Fightins, but he returns triumphantly!

    You’re the fucking man Howdy! Excellent article.

  25. Wayne and Garth says:

    We’re not worthy!
    We’re not worthy!
    We’re scum!
    We suck!

  26. Cole Handsome says:

    I think this Hunter S. Thompson should go back to being dead. He’s lost touch (he even admits that he doesn’t live here anymore). More bellinis and more SHADE at the ballpark, please.

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