Ahhhh shit (in the ‘damn, that sucks’ tone, not the ‘cool black guy emphasis on shiiiiiiiit’ tone) news for the Phillies from our brah Todd Zolecki:
“I have not discussed Philly with Jake because nobody has asked us to discuss Philly,” said Peavy’s agent, Barry Axelrod.
While agentspeak usually means nothing and professional athletes lie constantly in regards to their status (i.e. Brett “Turdface Magoo” Favre), this news is frownworthy.
“He has a strong preference to play in the National League,” he said. “He also wants to play for a contender. Both of those two things play into Philly’s hands. … The personnel is awesome. If there is one downside, it’s the geographical difference for him, given that he has made his family home in the San Diego area.”
Let me, one Howdy S. Retard, convince you, Jake Peavy, to play in Philadelphia rather than San Diego.
1.) San Diego is the birthplace of Kendra Wlikinson. Nice body, she might have, but her personality is worthy of a brick to the head. Thems the bitches you want to hang around with? Philly has much nicer ladies(NSFW!).
2.) Califiornia is known for its homeless population. Our homeless freeze up and die in the winter time, while your balmy temperatures leave vagrants year ’round to harass people just trying to visit a liquor store at 2 AM in a peaceful fashion.
3.) Fucking hippies. I’ll take Philly’s crackhead population over some highfalutin college hippie stoner anyday. Fuck nature.
4.) Your population doesn’t care about sports because they’re too busy being douchebags.
5.) Miss California: homophobe, religious extremist, dumbass.
6.) Where the fuck is Carmen Sandiego?
7.) Other famous residents: Shawn White (emo skater douche), Adam Brody (dreamy hearththrob douche), POD (shitty fake nu-metal crap), and Reggie Bush (overhyped douche).
8.) Oh, I forgot the biggest scrote to ever pick up a guitar is a San Diego Countyian. Dave Mustaine. That cockdick. He’s such a worthless fuck that he has an entire Wikipedia page devoted to his loserdom.
So come to Philly, Jake Peavy. Say hello to me at the ballyard tomorrow (Section 113), I’ll save you a seat. And remember, this is what San Diego has to offer you.
And in Philly, our blogs have tits. After the jump:
22 Comments on “A Retard’s effort to convince Peavy to join us”
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General
May 28th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
As someone who currently lives in the mecca of highfalutin college hippie stoners (and the source for that South Park episode’s satire) I would also like to say Fuck nature, fuck hippies, and their jam bands that play the most redundant shit. Put on some deodorant and get a Real Job.
May 28th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Howdy S. Retard…haha well done on the play on words play off acronym, play on words?? / head explosion.
Those are some fine, fine arguments. Have you ever thought about being a lawyer?
P.S. I am in as much love with Katy Perry as you friend. Nice tittays in our cittay
May 28th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Jake Peavy has some nice tits
May 28th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I highly recommend HDYSR? posts in Text-to-Speech.
May 28th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Let’s not forget one phenomonal thing that San Diego had that we now have: Cole Hamels!!
May 28th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
/Senator Clay Davis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30YW3wgRvyI
May 28th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
kendra just marry philadelphia eagle hank baskett. c’mon jake, even she knows that philly is better than san diego!
we also have yeungling here on the east coast.
May 28th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
mmmm Yuengling
May 28th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
fuckin nu metal bullshit
May 28th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Sweet heavy metal baseball lord. First we get Ibanez, now we’re talking about adding Peav(e)y too?! Can we also work out deals for Edwin Jackson, Sean Marshall and “B.C.” Rich Harden? Bring back fan favorite Jose Mesa Boogie as alternate 3rd base coach? Maybe have Tony MacAlpine and Steve Vai shred out the national anthem on a nightly basis? I think with a little effort we can give that Citizens Bank Park a little more of a Sunset Strip circa ‘86 feel.
May 28th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
anyone going to be in SD or LA for the phils series’… going to be at both, so if anyone is interested in meeting for beers(SD) or safety(LA) then hit me up at gperih@Hotmail.com
May 28th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
@Pete Roast
Don’t forget Dizzy “Dean”
May 28th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
This Peavy thing is absolutely not going to happen. There are a lot of other solid pitching options out there, including a few big names (Webb, Oswalt) worth considering, but Peavy is out of reach. I don’t see the Phillies paying a pitcher approx. $20 million per season either, regardless of how many games they sell out.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
peavy, webb, oswalt…..lets get all three!!
May 29th, 2009 at 2:26 am
Webb is NOT getting traded. They have a young team, plus he’s hurt. Gonna be on the DL for another month.
May 29th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Actually, the Peavy contract would cost us something like $16 million per year. The Phils would get him through 2013, and since he’s not even 28 yet, the Phils would be getting him through his peak years. I think if you’re going to give up the better prospects in the farm system, you mightaswell get one of the best arms in the business for 5 years…
That is, if he wants to come to Philly. Someone quickly email his agent this post!
May 29th, 2009 at 8:55 am
At first glance I thought you’d gone way of the acronym athlete….AROD…A Retard…but then my Pre-K education kicked in.
Either way, F San Diego, F that Chicken, F Kendra for falling off bartools at the Main St. Pub, F Henry Baskett III for not being Randy Moss and getting old man Sloppy Avery’s, F Harry Ralson Black for being known as “Bud”, F Bruce Bochy and his jerked off mustache, F Petco for beating Animals and sponsoring a gigantic ballpark, F that stupid Metal Supply building in left field for the simple fact that Wheels calls it “neat” 35 times a game, F Dan Fouts, F the Chargers for trying to bring back the cool powder blues and then ruining them with a reject font for their numbers, F LaDanian for ruining my FFB title defense, F the SDPD drunktank, F Brad from the Real World San Diego for pulling such fine tail on The Duel, F Chris Berman for singing that stupid song and making Tom Jackson look like a tool, F Ozzie Smith’s pork chop side burns on his rookie card, F Tony Gwynn for getting his 3000th hit in an empty Olympic Stadium, F Jake Peavy for being afraid of Philly.
Mt. Soledad, however, is cool for Crane Kicks.
This rant has been brought to you by Schuylkill Expressway traffic.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:18 am
You forgot one major, huge, awesome distinction that should convince Jake to come here: World Fucking Champions.
Seriously, vote for Raul you lazy bastard.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:31 am
crane kick you forgot, go fuck yoruself san diego
(except peavy and his wonderful willingtocometophiladelphia family)
May 29th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Section 113?! I sit row 9! I cannot believe I’ve been sitting in the company of such Philly sports nobility!
May 29th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
@Michelle
Not my tickets, ‘Tard padre won them from work. I’ll be in Row 2
May 30th, 2009 at 8:43 am
god you fucking suck. you really are terrible