Phillies backstop Carlos Ruiz is having a hard time getting on base this year. Since he registered an uncharacteristic four hits in the 20-2 beatdown of the Cardinals on June 13th, Chooch is batting an abysmal .087 with two hits and exactly zero RBI’s. To put that in perspective, Adam “effing” Eaton has just as many hits as Carlos does during that span.

So what can he do to change this?

Tweak his batting stance? Spend a few more hours in the batting cages each week? Watch some extra game film? Seek the advice of hitting coach Milt Thompson?

Well, the answer to all those questions is a resounding “NO.” As it turns out, Carlos is better off if he just stands motionless at the plate with his bat on his shoulders.

After the jump, check out the irrefutable proof…

Last night in Atlanta, Carlos Ruiz had his best night at the dish in weeks. Granted, he didn’t actually get a hit, but he did manage to get on base three times and even scored a run. And during his at-bats, I started noticing a trend. The more pitches Carlos just stands there and looks at, the greater his chances are of getting on base.

The evidence: (his swings are marked in red)

AB #1: Ball, Strike looking, Strike looking, Foul, Ball, Ball, Ruiz walked.

Pitches thrown: 7 | Swings: 1 | Result: Walk
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AB #2: Strike looking, Ruiz flied out to right.

Pitches thrown: 2 | Swings: 1 | Result: Out
–

AB #3: Strike looking, Ruiz grounded out to third.

Pitches thrown: 2 | Swings: 1 | Result: Out
–

AB #4: Ball, Ball, Ball, Strike looking, Ruiz walked

Pitches thrown: 5 | Swings: 0 | Result: Walk
–

AB #5: Ball, Strike looking, Strike looking, Ball, Ball, Ruiz walked

Pitches thrown: 6 | Swings: 0 | Result: Walk
–

Clearly, my astute observation is correct. In at-bats #2 & 3, as soon as Carlos swings, an out is registered and he is headed back to the dugout with nothing to show for his PA. Luckily, in his first at-bat, the only time he swung resulted in an uncatchable foul ball, otherwise he’d have surely been 0-for-3. In his last two AB’s, Chooch wised up and just stood there like a stump, watching as pitch-after-pitch whizzed by him. GENIUS!

I even went ahead and computed an estimate of what Carlos should accomplish if he chooses to just stand there for the rest of the year. Assuming he’ll play another 55 games, and get say, 4 at-bats per… I figure he could amass another 175 walks or so by season’s end. That would equal more RBI’s for the top of the order and more runs scored overall. A fool proof plan if you ask me.

He could even have a little fun with it if he wants — use a toothpick instead of a bat, crouch really low to shorten the strike zone, imitate Craig Counsell’s stance, keep his bat in a specially designed “bat holster” on his hip… the possibilities are endless.

So Carlos, as a Phillies fan I beg of you –

JUST STAND THERE!

Thank you.

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