The Fightins'
Jul
07
2011
Kyle Kendrick’s Post Game Temper Tantrum
Posted by Justin at 9:54 am ET 25 Comments

Kyle stormed into his room and kicked the nearest LEGO set with the adorable rage of an irate pony.  The pieces scattered across the floor as several small yellow men looked on in horror at what used to be their home.

Kyle dove onto the bed and buried his face in a pillow, hoping it would smother the sound of his sobs.  A gentle knock on the door caused him to sharply cut off the emotional display.

“Hey, buddy,” came the voice of Phillies bench coach Pete MacKanin through the door.  ”You in there?”

Pete knew he was in there.  Kyle Kendrick’s sobs were often audible all throughout the night when the Phillies stayed in hotels (and probably when they didn’t, but nobody was around to hear them in those cases except his confusingly hot wife).

“Maybe he’s doing a puzzle,” Ryan Howard offered.  ”He’s been into those since we told him he could come to my birthday party if he finished one with 5,000 pieces.”

“Not helping,” Pete replied.  ”You guys just get the hell out of here.”

The other 24 Phillies in the hallway snickering at Kendrick’s sniffles slowly backed away, except for Ross Gload, who hadn’t heard Pete’s request for their exit over the sound of himself guzzling half a Hurricane.

“Kyle, buddy?  You want to talk about it?”

“No!” Kyle shouted back.

Pete opened the door anyway, easily pushing aside the pile of stuffed animals Kyle habitually stacked in front of his door when he was upset.  No one was sure if it was truly intended to block the door or if he just thought seeing them all together would make him feel better.  Nobody asked him, either.  Because it was weird.

Pete stumbled slightly as he entered, stepping on a LEGO piece from the shattered castle on the floor.

“Ow, fuck,” he muttered.  He looked up to see if Kyle had heard him.  The Front Office had asked the coaches to refrain from using some of the harder curse words in front of Kyle.  His mother had been leaving a lot of voicemails.

“Oh no, you wrecked the castle?” Pete asked.  ”That one was your favorite!”

“Everything sucks!” Kyle shouted, his voice still muffled by the pillow.

“Come on, now,” Pete replied knowingly.  ”Is this about Charlie taking you out after 80 pitches?  You know that wasn’t because he doesn’t like you.”

Nobody likes me!”

The awkward silence that followed kind of confirmed this notion, and Pete knew it.  He just didn’t know what collection of English words he could put together that could convince Kyle otherwise.  Kendrick shirseys were having their prices slashed all over the Delaware County in stores with the balls to carry them at all.  Despite a series of somewhat adequate performances, Kyle was still seen as the bottom of the Phillies pitching barrel.  A recent poll had indicated that most fans were more familiar with him as the face of a mythical unicorn beast than as a competent spot starter.

“Come ON!!! Open up in there!  I got an ocean of piss inside me!”

Pete looked back toward the door.  Gload had mistaken Kendrick’s room for the toilet again.  ”Look, Kyle, when Charlie does these things, he’s doing them because he thinks its best for the team. He doesn’t mean it as a personal insult to you.

Kyle turned over, his eyes bloodshot.  ”Really?  Did he say that?”

Pete thought back to the moment in the Phillies-Marlins game when Charlie Manuel had decided to go the pen.

“Hey, Pete, watch this,” he’d said, chuckling.  ”I’m ‘onna like take Kendrick out and I don’t even know why.”  Then everybody in the dugout had laughed and high-fived.

“Of course he said that,” Pete told Kyle after several minutes of horrifically awkward silence.

“But do you Charlie really likes–”

“Look, kid,” Pete cut him off, “in about 30 seconds Ross Gload is gonna be in here soaking your mattress in urine.  Is there any way we can speed this up so I don’t have to be around for that?”

Kyle wiped his nose and nodded.  ”Yeah, sorry.  I just sometimes think everybody’s against me.”

“Ha, ha, ha, that’s crazy.  Do you know how crazy you sound?  Ha, ha, ha.” Pete replied a little too quickly and purposely as he backed out of the room.

Sure enough, the door swung open and Gload stood there, chewing.  ”Did you know this isn’t really the bathroom?” he asked in bewilderment.  Looking down at the ground, he enthusiastically grabbed a few of Kyle’s stuffed animals.

“Aw, perfect.  I’m just gonna take some of these for my kid.”

On his way out, Pete noticed a largely incomplete puzzle on the floor.  The pieces were sorted according to color, as though someone had spent a decent chunk of the past week lovingly sorting them for easier assembly.

For a moment, he considered warning the kid.  But like always, he just shook his head.

“Just don’t take the unicorn,” he heard Kyle ask of Ross Gload, whose arms were now full of stuffed animals.  ”That one’s my favorite.”

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25 Responses to “Kyle Kendrick’s Post Game Temper Tantrum”

  1. Colleen Wolfe's Newly Bleached Asshole says:

    I was so mad at that game that I actually went to bed with a gross asshole. Actually two gross assholes…Gonzo was laying next to me.

  2. mclassick says:

    brilliant.

  3. Everybody Loves Chooch says:

    ::snort::

    Poor Kendrick. He’s like a retarded puppy. You can’t kick a retarded puppy.

    • Jessica says:

      Mike Vick probably would….just sayin

    • Everybody Loves Chooch says:

      No, no, no, Mike Vick drowns retarded puppies. They’re no use in dog-fighting. Unless possibly as bait dogs.

      //all kidding, all kidding.

  4. Beneth says:

    Way to go. This actually makes me feel bad for Kendrick.

  5. Thank God for Justin. He is the Ace of the Phillies Blogosphere.

  6. This post is good like cheesecake.*

    *I wubs cheesecake

  7. The Vanimal says:

    This actually made me feel bad for Kendrick.

  8. Angry White Man says:

    With all seriousness, Kendrick pitched serviceable last night. But for Brown’s error, Kendrick gives up no more than two runs (one earned). I have to agree with Kyle here. Herndon, Carpenter, and Baez? Fuck that.

  9. Morandini's Triple Play says:

    I can understand pulling Kyle after 5 innings. But putting in Herndon? Who does that? After he stops crying, Kendrick should begin plotting Herndon’s death. Poor little guy.

  10. the new guy says:

    Is there a way he can do this for all the starters? Because this is just gold.

  11. justin's mom says:

    I’m happy that my son has helped THE fightins dot com because the preeminent purveyor of Kyle Kendrick fan-fiction in the Greater Delaware Valley.

  12. Hahaha, where the hell have these posts been? This was awesome.

  13. Young Chris says:

    Kendrick got racks on racks on racks!!! ya heard it here first boiiiiiiii, East side Niggaaa!!!!!

  14. Danyiel says:

    See, now this is starting to feel more like The Fightins that I know and love! Spectacular job, Justin.

    Anyone else catch Stephenie Kendrick flipping out on that guy from Philliedelphia last night? Pretty funny stuff: http://www.philliedelphia.com/philliedelphia/2011/07/stephenie-lagrossa-kendrick-calls-philliedelphia-blogger-a-looser-husband-kyle-kendrick-angry-about-.html

  15. Pearl says:

    Awww, I actually feel really bad for KK now :(

  16. Cheetos Cheetah says:

    Impressive Sir.

  17. James Fayleez says:

    @Danyiel

    That link was great.

  18. Jorge Suarez says:

    DUDE PHILLIEDELPHIA IS SO LAME…I CAN’T EVEN GET A GOOD SLIDESHOW GOIN ON THERE =(
    EH, I GUESS THEY AIGHT

  19. beans says:

    This makes me want to buy a Kendrick shirsey.

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