The Fightins'
Aug
03
2011
Kyle Kendrick’s Last Stand
Posted by Justin at 8:27 am ET 43 Comments

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

“Kyle Kendrick was stellar in what might be his last start in a while…”

–Marshall Harris, Phillies Post Game Live

Kyle Kendrick, out on the mound, winds up and delivers a sinister strike.  The umpire rears back and calls out Dexter Fowler looking.  Fowler wanders back to the dugout, shellshocked, as Kyle takes a victory lap around the mound and a light, confused cheer comes from the crowd.  Brian Schneider comes trotting out.

Brian:  Kyle.

Kyle:  Oh, you startled me.  What’s up.

Brian:  What was that?

Kyle looks around, perplexed.

Kyle:  What was… we just struck out Fowler looking.  Nice call on the sinker.

Brian removes his mask, his head darting around like a hummingbird.  He’s white as a sheet.

Brian:  Yeah, it was a great pitch… Kyle, am I having a stroke?  Because you should tell me if I am and this is like, a lucid dream or something right before I die.

Kyle stares at him as Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard jog to the mound.  Chase Utley stays at second base, standing motionless with his arms at his side but staring at Kyle like the killer in a slasher film before anybody has died.

Ryan:  What’re you doing, Kyle?

Kyle:  What do you mean?  What’s wrong with everybody?

Jimmy:  What’s wrong with you?

Ryan:  I gotta say I’m disappointed.  I thought better of you.

Jimmy looks at Ryan and winks charmingly.

Jimmy:  Did you?

They share a chuckle that Kyle does not appreciate.  Rich Dubee comes out from the dugout.

Kyle:  Hey, good.  Rich, what are these guys talking about?

Rich:  Charlie wants the drugs, Kyle.

Kyle:  What?

Rich:  The drugs you’re clearly on.  Charlie wants them.  Says there’s no room for an addict on this team.  Unless you’re addicted to winning.  Which you’re not.

Rich looks back at the dugout.  Charlie waves his hands furiously.  Rich turns back to the conversation.

Rich:  He says you’re embarrassing everyone.  He’s not happy, Kyle.

Kyle, perplexed, sputters.

Jimmy:  Now hold on, Rich, let’s not assume the worst here.

Ryan returns Jimmy’s wink from before.

Ryan:  Why not?

They share another patronizing chuckle.

Jimmy:  Come on, though.  Kyle, maybe you just had too much sugar before the game?

Ryan:  Oh, yeah.  Give this guy a frosted pop tart and he turns into Dock Ellis.

Kyle:  Well, yeah, I had a bowl of frosted flakes, but Mr. Halladay said I could.

Hunter Pence has sprinted in from the outfield.

Hunter: What’s up guys.

They all look at him.

Rich:  Hunter… you don’t have to run in from right field for a mound meeting.

Hunter:  I know, I just… I missed you guys.

He turns and heads back to the outfield.  Jimmy shouts after him:

Jimmy:  YOU’RE DOING A GREAT JOB, HUNTER!

After he’s about halfway back to his position, Jimmy whispers:

Jimmy:  …we love you…

Kyle:  Look, this is ridiculous.  I’m just trying to pitch.

Brian:  OH MY GOD.

They all look at him.  He’s sniffing the air.

Brian:  Do I smell oranges?  No?  Shit, I thought I did there for a second.

Umpire:  Let’s break this up, fellas.

Rich:  Phil, Kyle’s dealing with what can only be a week-long drug addiction at this point.  Look at him, he looks terrible.  Can you give us like 20 minutes to sort this out?

Umpire:  I understand completely.

He leaves.

Rich:  What are you on, Kyle?  You hiding angel dust inside your My Little Ponies?

Ryan:  Is it trouble in the bedroom?

Kyle:  Why do you always ask me that?

Ryan:  I just figure it’s coming.

Jimmy:  Wait a minute, though.  Do you mean trouble like ‘I think my wife is only pretending to enjoy sleeping in my race car bed’?  Because that’s not a reason to turn to angel dust.

Ryan:  Well I think that’s pretty clearly not what I meant.  Though depending on where he’s keeping his My Little Ponies, it may be sort of a moodkiller.

Rich:  He keeps them in his locker, guys.  You know this.  We see them every day.

Rich looks down at the ground, kicks some dirt.

Rich:  Every fucking day…

Jimmy:  Yeah, Ryan–remember after your birthday party, we stopped by the locker room and Gload shoved a couple of them in his backpack to take home for his kid?

Kyle looks at Ryan, hurt.

Kyle:  You had your party, Ryan?  What the heck?!  I finished the puzzle!

Rich looks at the two infielders, exasperated.

Rich: Oh come on, guys.  The puzzle thing again?

Brian: I knew it.  I KNEW IT.  My legs are going.  This is it… THIS IS IT… wait no.  They just fell asleep because we’ve been out here so long.

Jimmy: He’s right.  This is taking forever.

He looks at Kyle.

Jimmy:  Give us the drugs!

Kyle:  Now LOOK!!

They all look at him, surprised at this sudden outburst.  He’s becoming a man.

Kyle:  I may not have the cleanest raw talent.  I may never know the sweet sting of a Shane Victorino shaving cream pie to the face.  And I may burst into tears occassionally when they put Letters to Juliet on in the plane.  But the fact of the matter is, I come out here to win a ball game.  That may not be enough for you.

He turns and looks directly into the internet.

Kyle:  …or YOU…

He turns back.

Kyle:  But at least I show up here in the first place!  I try to do what I can with what I’ve got.  I may not have Jimmy’s swag, or Shane’s persona, or Chase’s–

Chase:  (From his position, far away) Don’t fucking talk about me!

Kyle:  …or Ryan’s Subway contract, but I’m Kyle Kendrick–my sinker’s okay, I’m still young, and I am DOING MY FREAKING BEST OUT HERE.

His voice cracks as he begins to shout at the end.  In the dugout, Charlie Manuel, having heard the shouting, approaches the steps, but Jimmy waves him off.

Kyle:  …and its a bunk bed, Jimmy.  It saves space and it is easily converted into a forst.

Jimmy:  We’re sorry, Kyle.

Ryan:  Yeah.  You’re doing great tonight, buddy.

They all look at him suspiciously but Rich gives Kyle the ball back and jogs off the field.

Rich:  All right, let’s get two!

There are no runners on.

The next hitter smacks a high grounder over Kyle’s head, but he reaches up and spears it out of the sky, throwing the guy out.  After the play, Ryan and Jimmy run back to the mound.

Ryan:  Give us the drugs, Kyle.

Kyle:  I AM TRYING TO PLAY A BASEBALL GAME.

43 Responses to “Kyle Kendrick’s Last Stand”

  1. One of the best Kyle posts you’ve ever done. “He’s becoming a man” HAHAHAHA and the reference back to the puzzle was priceless. Keep up the endlessly great work and the amazing tirades against Kyle Kendrick.

  2. Everybody Loves Chooch says:

    I think I love you.

  3. Oh, he’s on drugs. That’s why I suddenly like him.

  4. Shane says:

    Genius. Pure genius.

  5. Crud Muffin says:

    “Give this guy a frosted pop tart and he turns into Dock Ellis.”

    I died.

  6. GM-Carson says:

    Absolutely. Fucking. Brilliant.

    I literally laughed out loud when Utley said “Don’t fucking talk about me!”, because I was picturing this all in my head.

  7. Max Power says:

    He turns and looks directly into the internet.

  8. Steve says:

    He turns and looks directly into the internet. – Win

    Chase: (From his position, far away) Don’t fucking talk about me! – Double Win.

    I’m doubled over. This rules. Good game, let’s go eat.

  9. Ali says:

    Effing amazing.

  10. Pasadena_Phan says:

    Pulitzer material!

  11. TMac's Nipples says:

    I can TOTALLY picture Hunter Pence all wide-eyed jogging in towards the mound.

  12. TheGood1 says:

    Jimmy: YOU’RE DOING A GREAT JOB, HUNTER!

    After he’s about halfway back to his position, Jimmy whispers:

    Jimmy: …we love you…

    This brought me to tears in laughter.

    And picturing Chase saying ‘Don’t fucking talk about me’ was priceless…

    Awesome post.

  13. Seasoned Poncho Vet says:

    The way you personify Chase in these fiction stories is hilarious. When him and chooch were in the nurse’s office I crying with laughter. “Don’t fucking talk about me!” hahaha

  14. Jess says:

    “He turns and looks directly into the internet.” Gold.

  15. nickjames says:

    out. freaking. standing.

  16. Bunk says:

    Unreal. My short attention span usually has me not reading posts that will take over 90 seconds to complete, but this one was brilliant….

    “Hunter Pence has sprinted in from the outfield.
    Hunter: What’s up guys.
    They all look at him.
    Rich: Hunter… you don’t have to run in from right field for a mound meeting.
    Hunter: I know, I just… I missed you guys.”

    Great work.

  17. The Howling Fantods says:

    ‘Mr. Halladay said I could.’

    Lulz

  18. Kung Fu Fightins says:

    wish there was a like button for posts

  19. ryan howard's left buttcheek says:

    Golden

  20. The Sweet Sting of a Shane Vic Shaving Cream Pie says:

    I was waiting for you in Japan, Kyle. I was waiting, but you never showed.

  21. chilly says:

    wonder if those guys read this stuff…

  22. GM-Carson says:

    It would be awesome if the Phillies in this script played their parts in real life. I would pay to see that.

  23. Danyiel says:

    Hahaha. Shout out to Ryan’s Subway contract! This shit is hilarious.

  24. Placido Polanco says:

    I was clearly there guys

  25. Phaceplant says:

    “Unless you’re addicted to winning. Which you’re not.” Classic…

  26. The Original J. Dubs says:

    Fantastic piece of literature, right here. Great work.

  27. Joe Blanton says:

    Don’t worry guys. I’ll be back someday.

  28. BJ says:

    Joe Blanton=Frosty the Snowman

  29. Domonic Brown's Twitter Page says:

    @IronPigs: Awww Man

  30. Hunter Pence says:

    Good post! Let’s go eat!

  31. PHLinPDX says:

    this is why the fightins is the best blog ever.

  32. Chutley says:

    For some reason I lmao’d when you put: Chase: (From his position, far away) Don’t fucking talk about me!

  33. princeisawesome says:

    I busted out laughing serveral times. This is really great stuff. The best part is, I think that if Jimmy or one of the guys saw this, they too would really laugh their ass off.

    Ditto Chutley : “Chase: (From his position, far away) Don’t fucking talk about me!” I love how Utley didn’t come to the mound, but was fully aware of what was going on. And Pence… totally nailed him. And the “… we love you…” So good. I’m gonna go read it again.

  34. Sweet Dee says:

    I know, I just… I missed you guys. HAHAHA.

  35. Aubrey Huff's his own farts says:

    You guys think you’re so great because you got Hunter Pence. We won a World Series last year and kicked your ass. We also put up 8 runs today in a big game. Just a little taste of what you’re gonna get when you come to SF. Its a shame your “ace” Halladay wont have another chance to get raped by us again until the postseason. Guess his butt is still too sore from last year.

  36. The Killer Zs says:

    Brian Schneider thinking he is hallucinating was my favorite.

  37. Brian says:

    I’ve read this about 10 times and it keeps getting funnier. Brilliant work.

    Chase steals the show with one line. Love it…

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