This morning, Philly.com’s gossip editor Dan ‘Disgusting’ Gross reported that Shane Victorino, Ryan Howard, and other Phillies are headed to the Cayman Islands for Jimmy Fuckin’ Rollins’s wedding on Saturday. He will be marrying the beauty and fitness-training-like talents that is Johari Smith. The best part of the ceremony of course, is that the groomsman is none other than wall-hater Bobby Abreu!
Phillies, beach, hot women, this all sounds fun right? Well nearly an hour later…
THERE WAS A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE ON GRAND CAYMAN ISLAND!
That’s right, the same island where OUR BELOVED FIGHTIN’ PHILS WERE HEADED! Luckily, as reported by CBS 3, Jimmy and the gang are alright:
Rollins, who was at the Grand Cayman Beach for his upcoming wedding to Jahori Smith, sent a message to teammates saying he was ok. Several teammates are expected to attend the wedding scheduled for Saturday, but they reportedly have not yet arrived.
It went on to say his hotel shook for 10 seconds and everyone had to go to the beach. And holy shit, thank god he is OK. I don’t want no Miguel Tejada playing shortstop for the steroid-free Phillies. ::knock on wood::
On that nearly terrifying note, Mr. Amaro just signed a few veteran pitchers to minor league deals, ho-hum…including BRANDON DUCKWORTH? ‘Member him? [picture of The Duck Pond]? Well, apparently Ed Wade didn’t stick his shlong out to bring him back to Houston before Philly got him. How could Ed miss that? An ex-Phillie AND Astro? Gold!
In conclusion: The Phillies are safe, Jimmy is almost wed, and Bobby will probably drop the ring.
One month ’til single game tickets go on sale.
38 Comments on “Mother Nature Can’t Stop J Roll’s Wedding”
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General
January 19th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
First?
January 19th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
She’s pretty hot
January 19th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
“and Bobby will probably drop the ring.”
HAH. nice touch.
January 19th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
JIMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY
January 19th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
They’ll have to tell Bobby there’s a man on second in a 3-1 count so he knows when to walk down the aisle.
January 19th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Brandon Duckworth will be an IronPig. I suddenly find myself a bit less excited for the season to start.
January 19th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Ghettoduce – that is fucking hilarious, sir.
January 19th, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Funny as hell!
January 19th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
This inspired me to look and see what Brandon’s been doing since 2003 and the answer is “sucking.”
January 19th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
haha Phylan.
Congrats Jimmy.
January 19th, 2010 at 2:58 pm
p.s. I’d hit it
January 19th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
and jeter will catch abreu with his pants down between the 2nd and 3rd song
January 19th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Bobby will be late, and somehow over weight for the ceremonies, just like every other spring.
January 19th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Duckworth reminds me so much of our trusty fellow Adam Eaton. I bet Brandon can hit better
January 19th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
The more married Phils the better…less crazy nights on the town before big games. Never stopped good ol’ Brett though.
P.S. – When people post hilarious comments such as Ghettodeuce’s above, I don’t even have the desire to say anything but it will just seem petty and lame compared to what was already said. It’s just too good.
January 19th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
I hope jimmy wouldn’t cheat on her
January 19th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Does this mean I can keep my Brandon Duckworth poster up in my room?
January 19th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Hopefully for Jimmy’s sake, as well as his bride-to-be’s, his hotel will shake for more than 10 seconds on their wedding night…
January 19th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
@scott ZIIIIING
January 19th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Arb figures: Blanton wants $10.25 MM, Phils submitted $7.5 mil. Chooch submitted $2.5 mil, Phils submitted $1.7 mil. Victorino $5.8 mil, Phils submitted $4.75 (although apparently there are some talks for a multi-year deal in the works.
Chooch at $2.5 mil, if he keeps up last year’s production, is quite all right with me. Victorino too. But I’m beginning to think we should’ve non-tendered Joe and looked elsewhere, because either of those figures is going to be an overpayment when 2010 is over with.
January 19th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Considering how much Fangraphs loves him, Phylan, I’d say ~2 mil is a friggin steal.
January 19th, 2010 at 5:39 pm
I live in Grand Cayman and yes we had a earthquake today but it wasnt nothing serious, we even had a stronger 6.8 back in 2004 and it didnt cause no damage.
I will try to see if I can spot the wedding and see if I can take some pictures… I will try my best!
January 19th, 2010 at 5:42 pm
@maxL not to mention this: http://www.hardballtimes.com/main/blog_article/the-most-underrated-catchers-in-the-game/
January 19th, 2010 at 5:45 pm
Not only is Chooch underrated, I’d say he is one of the best in the game right now. Especially considering his clutch October performances.
@Raybel I’m sure this site would be willing to pay top dollar for those pics. I heard this dude Meech is ballin like a mofo
January 19th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
I like Chooch. He calls a good game. He also knows where to get the best weed.
January 19th, 2010 at 5:47 pm
Panamaniacs got me high as fuck hahahaha
January 19th, 2010 at 6:02 pm
everyone knows samson has the best weed
January 19th, 2010 at 6:21 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U93d1LAcApI
January 19th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
Abreu is the quintessential no-brainer groomsman! I don’t have a man-crush on el Comodulce but I’m just saying: he’s a pillar of the community wherever he goes, a great ball-player, and a semi-pro salsa dancer. He also was the best all-around player the Phillies had from 98-05, has a career 98% fielding percentage, and just stole 30 bags at 35 years old. As if all that isn’t enough we got him for Kevin Stocker! Stop hatin!
January 19th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
^ implying philly fans can actually stop hating
January 19th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
Sucks that Abreu wasn’t better appreciated while he was here, since he really is one hell of a Baseball player, and a great guy off the field as well. Even at his age, I wouldn’t mind seeing him back with the Phillies in some capacity either. Anyway, cool to see that Jimmy is giving Bobby a good role at his wedding.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:06 pm
Absolutely agree, Abreu was and is a superb hitter, and I always thought it was weird that a lot of people were thrilled to see him go to the Yankees for peanuts.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:22 pm
Tug, that is my favorite song.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:25 pm
Phylan – at that point in Phillie fandom, we were just happy to be relevant in the sporting world, even if it was because we traded away our only real ballplayer.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
People want McNabb out of town for the same reason that they wanted Abreu out…They don’t like his attitude and they think that a change, even if it may not be beneficial immediately, will be a positive in the long run.
January 19th, 2010 at 9:58 pm
If I were to have a QB, I would want his attitude to be pretty much exactly what McNabb’s is. He is pretty much the most affable, likeable nice guy I’ve seen play the sport. Abreu is the same in a lot of ways, rarely without a smile. I guess he isn’t the bang-into-the-wall-bust-your-ass-in-the-outfield guy that Philly always loves, but he more than made up for that with his bat.
January 19th, 2010 at 11:06 pm
@will h right near the beach boooooooooooyie
January 20th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
she’s hotter than stephenie. nice work james.