The Fightins'
Jun
08
2011
Phillies High: The New Kid’s First Day
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 12:40 pm ET 36 Comments

[Scene: In the Phillies High principal’s office, where Principal Charlie Manuel is sitting with a new student]

Principal Manuel: … and, y’know, it’s great to finally, daggum, like, have you up here in Phillies High and everything. Everyone’s, like, real excited to have you here, y’know.

Domonic “Dom” Brown: Aw man, I’m pumped to be here, too.

Principle Manuel: Ok, well, like, all that’s left now is for you to, y’know, sign some of this daggum paperwork, then we’ll have someone give you a tour.

Dom Brown: Sounds good.

[Principal Manuel hands Dom Brown a stack of paperwork, which Dom proceeds to hold two feet above his head while filling out]

Principal Manuel: What in the daggum hell are you doing?

Dom Brown: Um, filling out the paperwork?

Principal Manuel: Well, like, yeah, son… but why are you, uh, holding it two feet above your dang head?

Dom Brown: Aw man, I dunno. That’s the way I’ve always done it.

Principal Manuel: Well, like, why don’t you try, um, holding your dang hands lower, and write with the paper on the, y’know, desk and everything.

Dom Brown: [shrugs shoulders] Ok man, I’ll give it a try.

[Dom Brown starts filling out the paperwork with his hands held lower, but every time he tries to sign his name, he ends up writing “Wendell Magee, Jr.” instead]

Principal Manuel: Huh. Well that ain’t gonna daggum work. You know what? Just keep, like, writing with your hands, y’know, up wherever you want.

Dom Brown: [finishes up paperwork] Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.

Principal Manuel: All right, now that that’s, y’know, like, outta the daggum way, I’ll just explain what we’re gonna, y’know, do with you during your first few weeks, then, daggum, like, we’ll get one of the other outfielders to give you a tour of the school. I’m gonna, like, try to ease you in to your, y’know studies, and-

[KNOCK KNOCK]

Principal Manuel: [shouting to the person at the door] One second! So, anyway, Dom… we’re gonna, like-

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

Principal Manuel: I said one second! Like, sorry about that, Dom. The plan is for us to, y’know, assign you a dang tutor and everything until you-

[KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK]

Principal Manuel: Oh God dangit. Come in.

Shane Victorino: HeyPrincipalManuelI’mHereToGiveTheNewKidATourLikeYouAsked. IsThatHimHolyCrapHe’sTallHeyNewKidYouKnowWhoElseIsTall?

Dom Brown: Uh, I du-

Shane Victorino: GIRAFFES! DoYouLikeGiraffesNewKidIBetYouPlayBasketball.

Dom Brown: Aw man. I played football for a while but I decided to focus on baseb-

Shane Victorino: OkCoolHeyPrincipalManuelDoYouWannaThumbWrestleOrTalkAboutDinosaurs OrListenToTechnoMusic?

Principal Manuel: No, Shane. Not even, y’know, a daggum little bit. Why don’t you, like, start showing Dom around.

Shane Victorino: OkLet’sGoNewKidI’mGonnaShowYouEverythingWeHaveASnackMachineFollowMe.

[Shane and Dom leave the principal’s office and begin a tour of the Phillies High campus. The tour ends after five minutes when Shane decides it would be fun to let the school’s pet rabbits loose, and then he runs off to chase after them. Dom begins wandering the hallways alone, where he runs into Chase Utley.]

Dom Brown: Aw man, you’re Chase Utley. Hi, I’m Dom Brown.

Chase Utley: [hands Dom a fungo bat] Hit me 5000 ground balls.

Dom Brown: Uh, what?

Chase Utley: [losing patience] I said “hit me 5000 ground balls.” I have to practice.

Dom Brown: Here? In the hallway?

Chase Utley: [yanks fungo bat back] Ugh. You’re useless. [Chase spots another student down the hall and starts walking toward him] HEY, YOU! STOP! Hit me grounders while not talking to me.

[Dom Brown shrugs and continues wandering the hallways alone until he comes across Jimmy Rollins and Carlos Ruiz putting “Chooch for Class President” fliers up on the bulletin board]

Jimmy Rollins: Hey, kid. You lost?

Dom Brown: Not really, man. I mean, maybe a little. It’s my first day and I’m just trying to figure out where the cafeteria is.

Jimmy Rollins: [eyes light up, nudges Chooch] Oh, the cafeteria? I can tell you where that is. It’s up on the 4th floor, right next to the pool.

Dom Brown: Uh… this school only has three floors. And there’s no pool.

Jimmy Rollins: [clearly snickering] No no, trust me. It’s totally up there next to the pool.

Dom Brown: Look man, I know you’re screwing with me. Can you just tell me where the caf-

Jimmy Rollins: THERE’S NO POOL IN HERE, STUPID ROOKIE LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. You shoulda seen your face! Classic JRoll!

Dom Brown: Uh…

Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz: Donn listen to Yimmy Rollen, new keed. He juss trying to throw you a corfboll. Ann donn worry, eberyone get loss on their firss day. De cafeteria is down dees hall and to de leff. Horry up, becauss today is rabioli day.

Dom Brown: Aw man, I love ravioli.

Chooch: Ob course joo do! EBERYONE LOB RABIOLI! Dass why joo hab to horry! Once dey ron out of rabioli, all thass leff is Salsbory steak, and dass de worss.

Dom Brown: Oh crap. I’m on my way now.

Jimmy Rollins: [yelling after Dom Brown as he walks away] Yeah and the cafeteria lady’s name is, uh, Mrs. … Farty… fart…fart. Yeah, that’s it! Mrs. Fartyfartfart! Trust me. You have to call her that. She loves it! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. [to self] Still got it, Jimmy!

[Dom Brown goes to the cafeteria and gets his ravioli. He spots Cole Hamels, who has finally convinced the Peffercorn twins, Mandy and Candy, to sit with him at lunch.]

Dom Brown: Hey. Can I join you guys?

Cole Hamels: No.

Peffercorn twins: [in unison] Aw, be nice Cole. Of course you can join us.

Dom Brown: Thanks. It’s my first day, and I don’t really know anybody yet. Some kid named Shane was supposed to give me a tour, but he ran off and I haven’t seen him sinc-

[Just then, Shane Victorino sprints through the cafeteria holding two rabbits that he dressed up like Crockett and Tubbs for a game of "Miami Vice." It is unclear where he acquired rabbit clothes.]


Dom Brown: Does he always do that?

Mandy Peffercorn: Yeah, pretty much. Anyway, tell us about yourself, you handsome, tall drink of water.

Dom Brown: Aw man, like I was saying, I’m Dom and today’s my first day. I just got bumped up from Phillies Junior High.

Cole Hamels: Big deal. I won a World Series once.

Candy Peffercorn: [ignoring Cole] Oh wow. And you said you haven’t gotten a full tour of the school yet?

Dom Brown: Naw. I just kinda wandered around and got yelled at by Chase Utley.

Peffercorn twins: [in unison] Awww, poor baby. We’ll give you a tour!

Cole Hamels: Wait. You two said we were gonna go out behind the bleachers after lunch…

Mandy Peffercorn: [ignoring Cole] And maybe after school we can go back to our house.

Dom Brown: Whoa, that’s sounds great!

Cole Hamels: Hold on. I’m tall too, ladies. And I’m playing great this year! Can I come over, too?

Peffercorn twins: [in unison] Cole, would you be a dear and take all our trays up? Let’s go, Dom.

Cole Hamels: Oh, sarsparilla soda. Not again.

Candy Peffercorn: Oh, and did we mention… our parents never get home until real late, so we’ll have the house all to ourselves…


Danger Guerrero is a fancypants Philadelphia area law school graduate who has written for many impressive websites, including Warming Glow and Film Drunk. If you’d like to offer him a substantial amount of money to make cheap jokes at the expense of famous people, or just say hi, you can contact him on Twitter (@DangerGuerrero) or via email (DangerGuerrero [at] gmail [dot] com).

36 Responses to “Phillies High: The New Kid’s First Day”

  1. TheOtherJim says:

    “corfboll”

    Classic.

  2. Shamels Raul (formerly Wertiz) says:

    The Victorino stuff is genius, as is the Hamels. Other than that it needs more J.A. Happ amiriteoramirite?

  3. DanB says:

    Corfboll

  4. Mick Billmeyer says:

    Those twins look amazing through my binocs.

  5. Walklett says:

    I dunno, I thought J-Roll’s jokes were hilarious…Mrs. Fartyfartfart is good stuff!

  6. Kyle Kendrick's "out" pitch says:

    Am I expecting a Michael Martinez, Brad Lidge, or Roy Oswalt cameo in the future?

  7. Old man says:

    The grammar mistakes in this are really obvious. Needs to be corrected.

  8. bacon says:

    Awesomesauce. Would read from again.

  9. Shamels Raul (formerly Wertiz) says:

    I find it funny that I completely understand what Chooch is saying.

  10. Obi Wan Kenobi says:

    this post is both shallow and pedantic.

  11. Roy Oswalt was in episode 1, and I’ve got plans for Lidge once he becomes relevant. I wouldn’t hold your breath on Mikey Martinez.*

    *I wouldn’t hold your breath on anyone, actually, seeing as I only do one of these every 3-4 weeks and holding your breath that long would be relatively impractical.

  12. J. Walter Weatherman says:

    Finely dressed rabbits are full of win.

  13. Ronny Paulino says:

    @Danger- AYE CAN DOO DAT!!!

  14. Danyiel says:

    Hahahaha. RATATATATATA PEW PEW PEW killed me!

  15. My only qualms is that Chooch clearly says Curbball, not Curfball. Someone didn’t listen close enough to those Hatfield Hot Dog commercials on 1210.

  16. clivedaddy says:

    Did Danger Guerrero go to Central?

  17. Nino Espinosa says:

    Thats it..rabioli for dinner tonight…thanks Chooch.

  18. Franny Murt says:

    Actually, I think it sounds more like Chooch says curbils (rhyming with gerbils). However he says anything though, I hang on every word.

  19. Grounder to Short says:

    “Anyway, tell us about yourself, you handsome, tall drink of water.”

    Best line right here

  20. Lauren says:

    I like: Hit me grounders while not talking to me. lololol

  21. Best original content of the year. Well done.

  22. CannedHeat says:

    CHOOCH FOR CLASS PRESIDENT!

  23. phillyphran says:

    im waiting for moyer as a substitute teacher

  24. INeedABeer says:

    The characterization of Jimmy as someone who finds himself hilarious while being unable to fool anybody is both hilarious and incredibly accurate. I love these posts. “Classic JRoll”

  25. JackAndJim says:

    dear lord, this is glorious. any real-life inspiration behind the peffercorn twins?

  26. JackAndJim says:

    Also, can we get shitfaced sardinha to make an appearance?

  27. Chutley says:

    I found the hands thing with Dom absolutely genius.

  28. Lynniemac says:

    I want to go to the prom with Carlos Ruiz.

    Also, I really want rabioli.

  29. Section118 says:

    Whats it take to make this more regular?

  30. meech.one says:

    I think I’d have to start paying Danger Guerrero. It would be well worth it.

  31. It also wouldn’t hurt if one of you promised to take the bar exam for me next month. Then I’d have all kinds of free time.

  32. clivedaddy says:

    The bar exam is easy.

  33. Jessica says:

    I agree with Chutley the hands thing with Dom was the best! But thanks to Bacon, Awesomesauce is now my new favorite word!

    Meech if you pay Danger enough he won’t have to take the bar exam :)

  34. WTT says:

    Best thing on the site. Hands down.

  35. Danger McNasty says:

    I read this while sitting at work, and literally had to get up and walk out of the office… Chooch’s part is hilarious. Oh and Dom Brown gets the most bitties.

Leave a Reply

Written by Danger Guerrero

...

Visit The Fightins Store
Friends of the Fightins:

Phila-Centric

R.I.P Harry Kalas