The Fightins'
Apr
25
2011
Phillies High: Cole & Joe Have A Sad
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 9:30 am ET 84 Comments

[Scene: Lunchtime in the Phillies High Cafeteria, at what used to be “the cool table,” where Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, and Carlos Ruiz are enjoying pizza Friday.]


Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz: Wass de matter, Goal Ammall? Why joo look so sad?

Cole Hamels: It’s just not fair, Chooch.

Chooch: Wass no fair?

Joe Blanton: [behind tray piled high with food] Cole and I were just talking about how WE played huge roles on a World Series winning team, and now all anyone wants to talk about is… those other guys.

Chooch: Weech other guys, Yoe Blanton?

Cole: You know who we mean, Chooch. The Roys, and Cliff Lee. I mean, what have they ever done? Sure Big Roy pitched a no-hitter last year-

Chooch: Two no-hitters. And one perfecto!

Cole: [sighs] Right, two no-hitters. And I know he won the Cy Young last year too, but, golly, I was the sugar-coating World Series MVP! And Joe hit a home run! And now what are we, chopped liver?

Joe: [chewing on his fourth piece of rectangle pizza] Yeah!

Chooch: Aw, donn be sad, Goal Ammall y Yoe Blanton. Joo guys are still great. Goal, everyone says joo are one of de Quatro Aces! And Yoe… joo… uh… the bertical stripes on jour yersey are bery slimming!

Joe: [submerges 25 tater tots in bowl full of ranch dressing, eats it like soup] Thanks, Chooch. That’s why I started wearing it even when we don’t have games. I’m really sensitive about my weight.

Cole: It’s just… it’s not the same, Chooch. I mean, snickerdoodles, guys. What’s the point of being an “ace” if you’re actually a number four starter? I’m just as good as those guys… … hey, what’s that?

[The cafeteria begins stirring. Cole, Joe, and Chooch turn toward around to see what the commotion is.]

Cole: Oh, great. Them.

Roy “Big Roy” Halladay: … and then I said, “Don’t worry, guys. It’ll work. Kelli’s as easy as facing the Mets on full rest.”

Cliff Lee: [chews gum, silently raises quizzical eyebrow]

Roy “Little Roy” Oswalt: Yeah, Big Roy. AND?

Big Roy: Who are we talking about here, boys? I’m Big Roy. Of course it worked.

Little Roy: Oh wow Big Roy. I never doubted you. You’re the king!

Cliff Lee: [chews gum, nods affirmatively]

Big Roy: Oh hey, look. It’s Cole, Joe, and Chooch. Sup fellas?

Cole: [annoyed] Hi Roy.

Big Roy: Hey, where are your letterman jackets, guys? Aren’t they sweet?

Little Roy: Yeah, aren’t they sweet?

Joe: [eating a sandwich made of an oatmeal cream pie between two honey buns] What letterman jackets? No one told us about any letterman jackets.

Big Roy: Oh, that’s right. Superintendent Amaro said they were only giving them out to the top three starters this year. Sorry, guys.

Little Roy: [laughing like a weasel] Haha, yeah sorry, guys.

Cole: Come on, Roy. We know you guys are great. There’s no need to rub it in. Besides… Joe and I were just talking about something. If you guys are so great, why don’t you have any World Series rings?

[Cafeteria goes silent]

Cliff Lee: [stops chewing gum, narrows eyes]

Little Roy: Wha-what did you say, pee-drinking crapface?

Big Roy: Whoa whoa. Ease up, fellas. Cole has a point. I mean, we have some nice hardware, and these sweet letterman jackets, and the love and adoration of everyone in school – especially the ladies…

Little Roy: Haha, yeah, Big Roy. The ladies

Big Roy: … but Cole and Joe deserve more respect for what they did before we came to Phillies High. It’s only fair. I’ll tell you what: Cliff, Little Roy, and I were just about to ditch 5th period and head down to the beach in my new Jeep. You guys should come with us. Some beerskis, some broskis, some rays… what do you say? No hard feelings?

Cole: Th-thanks, Roy. But I don’t know if we should be skipping class, though.

Chooch: Oh, come on, Goal. Joo should go. Joo deserve it after bitching so well lately. Joo too, Yoe.

Joe: [washing down meal with heavy cream] You’re right, Chooch. Let’s do it!

Cole: Ok, but if Principal Manuel catches us, you guys have to tell him it was your idea.

Big Roy: Relax, Cole. You need to cut loose a little.

[In parking lot]

Big Roy: Alright guys, everyone in. This is gonna be epic! SENIORS RULE!

Female Voices: [in unison] Hi, guys.

Little Roy: Holy crap, Big Roy. It’s the Peffercorn twins!

Peffercorn twins: [again in unison] Where ya guys goin?

Cole: Big Roy is taking us all to the beach! It’s gonna be the coolest!

Chooch: Si, de cooless!

Peffercorn twins: Wow, we wanna go to the beach, too! Can you guys take us with you? We need to work on our tans!

Big Roy: Well, the Jeep can’t fit more than six. It’s stuffed with beer, and we’ve already got me, Little Roy, Cliff, Cole, Joe, and Chooch.

Peffercorn twins: [making sad puppy dog faces] Aw… and we were just talking about how crazy it would be if we went topless at the beach sometime….

Cliff Lee: [raises eyebrows, begins chewing gum rapidly]

Big Roy: Oh, I think we can work something out…

Danger Guerrero is a fancypants Philadelphia area law student who has written for many impressive websites, including Warming Glow and Film Drunk. If you’d like to offer him a substantial amount of money to make cheap jokes at the expense of famous people, or just say hi, you can contact him on Twitter (@DangerGuerrero) or via email (DangerGuerrero [at] gmail [dot] com).

84 Responses to “Phillies High: Cole & Joe Have A Sad”

  1. MooseKnuckles says:

    Classic!!!!

  2. Adam Eaton says:

    I…it’s….I mean…..this just feels so right.

  3. Danys Baez is hilarious says:

    Epic. Fucking epic.

  4. dannymits says:

    that’s unemployment insurance, right there.

  5. meech.one says:

    I don’t get it.

  6. Normally I would only skim a post this large, but because we’ve been blessed by the appearance of such a talented artist, I went for the whole thing and was not disappointed!

  7. @shawnjames says:

    little roy>>>

  8. DP says:

    Chooch is my hero

  9. @meech – It’s funny because I said “crapface.” That help?

  10. Really? says:

    You brought the site back for this?

  11. James Fayleez says:

    wow -

  12. meech.one says:

    Yes, Really?, I brought the site back up SOLELY for this post. Probably just gonna shut back down now since it’s finally up.

    Nice knowin’ ya!

  13. MooseKnuckles says:

    Relly? is a crapface

  14. ZWR says:

    I LOVED THE GOONIES!

  15. Yoe says:

    IF you would have brought it back just for this, it’d be werth it. I feel like this should the first of a whole series, and Chooch should be on every flippin’ one. Oh, and Jay Werth should be incorporated. Epic.

  16. DP says:

    Can we have a bit that involves a one on one with Charlie and Chooch? Maybe Baez can interpret.

  17. KruksLeftNut says:

    Is ZWR and TheFightins mergin? like AOL n Time Warner?

  18. Section118 says:

    Please start a series of this. Thank you

  19. Politically Correct says:

    This is racist against Hispanic people. The accent Chooch is using is stereotypical and does not represent what all Hispanic people in this country sound like.

  20. Johnny Don says:

    omg, that was fuckin perfect, hope to see more of this :D D

  21. haha, I love it.

    Poor Cheeseburger Joe. I think he’s playing to the 5th starter role because he doesn’t want to be traded. Cole is back after that abysmal first outing. He is just cutting them all down.

    I must say though that the whole time I was wondering if it was a Zoo With Roy collaboration…

  22. Bozo says:

    What do I do if I need to send an e-mail to someone but their email address doesn’t specify whether they are a girl or a guy and I need to address the person as Mr. or Mrs.?

    Halp

  23. Bozo says:

    Or do I use Ms.?

    Confusing shit yo

  24. Bozo says:

    Simple solution: Call store

  25. HummerX says:

    For some reason it took me halfway down the article to understand what Chooch was saying

  26. Franny Murt says:

    Chooch gets the Peffercorn twins pregnant and they both have twins and they name the kids Carlos and Carlos and Carlos and Carlos.

  27. Brandon says:

    Hilarious. Using “Epic” to describe anything is an insult though. Most douchey superlative you could use.

  28. phils girl in brick says:

    this is great! need more school staff-a counselor? a cool gym teacher? (dubee) custodians?

  29. TheGood1 says:

    Amazing. Cannot wait for more from this series. Chooch es de man.

  30. KosMo says:

    Can’t imagine Big Roy so cocky.

  31. PhiLEE fan says:

    Just want to say how freakin’ HAPPY I am that thefightins.com is back.

  32. foo says:

    This was great. I encourage more.

  33. CHOOOOCH says:

    e larry us!!!!

  34. Walklett says:

    I can’t be the only one that thinks Joe Blanton really isn’t that fat.

  35. Philly fan stuck in DC says:

    You guys are really back! Oh Happy Day!

  36. INeedABeer says:

    Please don’t stop making these

  37. Fat Joe #56 says:

    “heavy” cream as a beverage = winning

  38. James Fayleez says:

    100 Hilarious church signs > this post

  39. Cody Ross says:

    Hahahahah can’t stop laughing

  40. Lynniemac says:

    Walklett: No, you’re not. That said, I can’t stop laughing.

  41. 85 says:

    I’m totally in on this on ONE condition:

    Next time we see the Peffercorns topless.

  42. Magowan says:

    Please tell me that Hamels grows a goatee and acts badass in a future episode

  43. BakedMcBride says:

    Well played. That nerd (compliment) from crashburn alley should walk through with his protractor and remind everybody how good Goal Ammall really is. (xFIP to the head, y’all!).

  44. Chutley says:

    Was ZWR behind any of this? This was hilarious!

  45. The Wolf says:

    I must be missing something here…the guy that wants “bros” to check his site doesn’t extend the courtesy to be mildly engaging in his promotional posts. I mean, I do not detect an inkling of creativity or engaging thought in order to compel one towards his site.

    I’d be happy to counsel your efforts so as your message doesn’t consistently end up in the “lame bin.”
    Call me. We’ll do lunch.

  46. WeWillWait says:

    As long as this keeps happening, the last few days of class and finals week won’t be so bad.

    “Joo deserve it after bitching so well lately.”
    ^perfect

    “Oh, boysenberries!”
    ^perfect

  47. Philsarephantastic says:

    Passable? At Best. Try again.

  48. James Lipton says:

    The plot is manageable. The artwork is atrocious. Just wait until my screen play on prison life.

  49. CannedHeat says:

    Cartoon Chooch should have his own Saturday morning special.

  50. Cole Hamel's Razor says:

    and Jason Werth is in the parking lot, sunk behind the steering wheel of
    his Camaro, questioning if it
    was worth transferring to remedial
    Nationals High…

  51. maria says:

    Joo did good. That was pretty hilarious.

  52. MOAB says:

    slow clap

  53. BroadnPattison08 says:

    this is fucking stupid

  54. rhymeface says:

    Should of got ZWR to do it.

  55. @DP

    If Baez interpreted he’d just screw it up and have to pass it off to Bastardo anyway.

  56. Tony No-Dad says:

    If I decided to go to the beach, we all know who those women would be hanging with.

  57. Stutes says:

    I love this, but I thought the roles were a little off. If you noticed at the press conference, Cliff would always be the one to talk if the question was directed towards everyone. Cliff is less shy than Roy and Roy just isn’t that cocky. Plus, everyone knows Roy and Cole are major bros.

  58. I was looking forward to Principal Manuel interjecting in all of this tomfoolery

    “Now well y’know like I think y’know Cole and Joe you guys should y’know like get inta class y’know like.”

    Or maybe that would be Shane talking…

  59. Shane says:

    And then you have the “nerd” table with Kyle Kendrick sitting by himself and playing Dungeons and Dragons or trading Magic Cards and muttering to himself about how he’s going to be cooler than Roy and Roy and Cliff and Cole and Joe all put together one day.

    And then, out back of the school behind the dumpster, you have Jose Contreras selling drugs since he’s the kid no one knows how old he is and should really be a senior in college.

    And lastly, you have Polanco holed up in the library at lunch studying for all the tests even though he already knows all the answers because he is the most consistent student in school.

  60. Tiger Woods' Escalade says:

    Shit, I hope there’s more of Danger Guerrero.

  61. jake says:

    lol, i didn’t notice choochie was saying goal meaning coal until like the end.

  62. Jupiter's Rings says:

    Meh.

  63. WeWillWait says:

    @Shane, lolz that is the perfect epilogue

  64. Carl Weathers says:

    63,

    Utley is in the nurse’s office.

  65. ArenaMJ says:

    Perfection. Nice work, DANGER

  66. muscles says:

    where is cliff/little roy in the last picture?

  67. foo says:

    Jimmy’s mom is talking to the principal, taking issue with Mr. Samuel because she thinks he’s encouraging her son to steal?

  68. foo says:

    *MR PERLOZZO

  69. GuyWhoHatesEveryoneAndEverythingOnBlogsAndBolgs says:

    I hate this.

  70. Chris says:

    I’d like to check in and say this was fucking hilarious.

  71. bruce chen says:

    well done boys, well done

  72. Bender says:

    More DG in my life is a good thing. Love your work with Uproxx.

  73. Domination Brown says:

    Incredible

  74. PhiLEE fan says:

    Now that is some awesomely awesome awesomeness. Well done, fellas. Welcome back..the season just wouldn’t have been the same without yas.

  75. b-burg says:

    the phonetical spellings are incredible!

  76. What are you looking at butthead says:

    We get it. Joe Blanton is not slim.

  77. Nino Espinosa says:

    The Peffercorn twins are hot.

  78. Chazbot says:

    Fightins 2.0 includes Danger Guerrero? HELL TO THE YES.

  79. Schrammykins says:

    Why do I read these things when I’m drinking? It never ends well.

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