[Scene: Lunchtime in the Phillies High Cafeteria, at what used to be “the cool table,” where Cole Hamels, Joe Blanton, and Carlos Ruiz are enjoying pizza Friday.]
Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz: Wass de matter, Goal Ammall? Why joo look so sad?
Cole Hamels: It’s just not fair, Chooch.
Chooch: Wass no fair?
Joe Blanton: [behind tray piled high with food] Cole and I were just talking about how WE played huge roles on a World Series winning team, and now all anyone wants to talk about is… those other guys.
Chooch: Weech other guys, Yoe Blanton?
Cole: You know who we mean, Chooch. The Roys, and Cliff Lee. I mean, what have they ever done? Sure Big Roy pitched a no-hitter last year-
Chooch: Two no-hitters. And one perfecto!
Cole: [sighs] Right, two no-hitters. And I know he won the Cy Young last year too, but, golly, I was the sugar-coating World Series MVP! And Joe hit a home run! And now what are we, chopped liver?
Joe: [chewing on his fourth piece of rectangle pizza] Yeah!
Chooch: Aw, donn be sad, Goal Ammall y Yoe Blanton. Joo guys are still great. Goal, everyone says joo are one of de Quatro Aces! And Yoe… joo… uh… the bertical stripes on jour yersey are bery slimming!
Joe: [submerges 25 tater tots in bowl full of ranch dressing, eats it like soup] Thanks, Chooch. That’s why I started wearing it even when we don’t have games. I’m really sensitive about my weight.
Cole: It’s just… it’s not the same, Chooch. I mean, snickerdoodles, guys. What’s the point of being an “ace” if you’re actually a number four starter? I’m just as good as those guys… … hey, what’s that?
[The cafeteria begins stirring. Cole, Joe, and Chooch turn toward around to see what the commotion is.]
Cole: Oh, great. Them.
Roy “Big Roy” Halladay: … and then I said, “Don’t worry, guys. It’ll work. Kelli’s as easy as facing the Mets on full rest.”
Cliff Lee: [chews gum, silently raises quizzical eyebrow]
Roy “Little Roy” Oswalt: Yeah, Big Roy. AND?
Big Roy: Who are we talking about here, boys? I’m Big Roy. Of course it worked.
Little Roy: Oh wow Big Roy. I never doubted you. You’re the king!
Cliff Lee: [chews gum, nods affirmatively]
Big Roy: Oh hey, look. It’s Cole, Joe, and Chooch. Sup fellas?
Cole: [annoyed] Hi Roy.
Big Roy: Hey, where are your letterman jackets, guys? Aren’t they sweet?
Little Roy: Yeah, aren’t they sweet?
Joe: [eating a sandwich made of an oatmeal cream pie between two honey buns] What letterman jackets? No one told us about any letterman jackets.
Big Roy: Oh, that’s right. Superintendent Amaro said they were only giving them out to the top three starters this year. Sorry, guys.
Little Roy: [laughing like a weasel] Haha, yeah sorry, guys.
Cole: Come on, Roy. We know you guys are great. There’s no need to rub it in. Besides… Joe and I were just talking about something. If you guys are so great, why don’t you have any World Series rings?
[Cafeteria goes silent]
Cliff Lee: [stops chewing gum, narrows eyes]
Little Roy: Wha-what did you say, pee-drinking crapface?
Big Roy: Whoa whoa. Ease up, fellas. Cole has a point. I mean, we have some nice hardware, and these sweet letterman jackets, and the love and adoration of everyone in school – especially the ladies…
Little Roy: Haha, yeah, Big Roy. The ladies…
Big Roy: … but Cole and Joe deserve more respect for what they did before we came to Phillies High. It’s only fair. I’ll tell you what: Cliff, Little Roy, and I were just about to ditch 5th period and head down to the beach in my new Jeep. You guys should come with us. Some beerskis, some broskis, some rays… what do you say? No hard feelings?
Cole: Th-thanks, Roy. But I don’t know if we should be skipping class, though.
Chooch: Oh, come on, Goal. Joo should go. Joo deserve it after bitching so well lately. Joo too, Yoe.
Joe: [washing down meal with heavy cream] You’re right, Chooch. Let’s do it!
Cole: Ok, but if Principal Manuel catches us, you guys have to tell him it was your idea.
Big Roy: Relax, Cole. You need to cut loose a little.
[In parking lot]
Big Roy: Alright guys, everyone in. This is gonna be epic! SENIORS RULE!
Female Voices: [in unison] Hi, guys.
Little Roy: Holy crap, Big Roy. It’s the Peffercorn twins!
Peffercorn twins: [again in unison] Where ya guys goin?
Cole: Big Roy is taking us all to the beach! It’s gonna be the coolest!
Chooch: Si, de cooless!
Peffercorn twins: Wow, we wanna go to the beach, too! Can you guys take us with you? We need to work on our tans!
Big Roy: Well, the Jeep can’t fit more than six. It’s stuffed with beer, and we’ve already got me, Little Roy, Cliff, Cole, Joe, and Chooch.
Peffercorn twins: [making sad puppy dog faces] Aw… and we were just talking about how crazy it would be if we went topless at the beach sometime….
Cliff Lee: [raises eyebrows, begins chewing gum rapidly]
Big Roy: Oh, I think we can work something out…
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