The Fightins'
May
09
2011
Phillies High: Chase Just Wants To Play
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 12:30 pm ET 54 Comments

[Scene: In the Phillies High nurse's office, where Chase Utley and Carlos "Chooch" Ruiz are waiting for the nurse to return.]

Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz: Ow! Ow! I hab tweaked my back! Everything hort! Breathing hort. Sleeping hort. Beisbol hort. Ees de worssss!

Chase Utley: I’m sorry to hear that.

Chooch: Ees so much pain, Chase Otley! Joo can’t eben imagine!

Chase Utley: Sounds terrible.

Chooch: What about joo? What bring joo to de norse office?

Chase Utley: I’m fine.

Chooch: If joo are fine, why are joo here in the norse office?

Chase Utley: Principal Manuel says I can’t play baseball until the nurse signs my clearance.

Chooch: Oh. Hey wait, are joo bleeding?

Chase Utley: I guess.

Chooch: Are those bollet wounds?!

Chase Utley: Yep.

Chooch: What happen?!

Chase Utley: I’m fine.

Chooch: Chase, joo hab been chot! Joo are bleeding eberywhere! [looks closely at Chase’s abdominal wound] I CAN SEE JOUR LIBBER!

Chase Utley: [narrows eyes] I said I’m fine.

Chooch: I don know, Chase. It looks bad.

[A pineapple scented gust blows through room. Shane Victorino suddenly appears on the next table.]

Chooch: Oh hey, Chane Bictorino!

Shane Victorino: HeyChoochHeyChaseWhat’sUpYouGuysWhere’sTheNurseHolyCrapChaseIsBleeding. GuessWhatIHadForLunchTodayCHICKENFINGERS!

Chooch: I love chicken fingers!

Shane: IKnowThey’reTheBestEspeciallyWithHoneyMustard. IWonderWhoInventedHoneyMustand’CauseIt’sLikeHeyThisMustardIsGoodButNowIt’sBetter.

Chooch: Si, onney mussarr is de bess. But why are joo here in the norse office?

Shane: OhManDidn’tYouHearIHaveADDThat’sTheThingThatMagicJohnsonAndTomHanksDiedOf!

Chooch: OH NO, NOT MAGIC YOHNSON! [blesses self]

Chase Utley: [holding six feet of his intestines in his right arm] Hold on, idiot. First of all, Magic Johnson and Tom Hanks are still alive. Second of all, you’re thinking of AIDS, which none of you have. Magic Johnson has HIV, Tom Hanks played a character who had AIDS in a movie that came out like 20 years ago, and you have ADD. Attention Deficit Disorder. It just means you have trouble concetra-

Shane Victorino: WhoWantsToHaveAStaringContestChoochLet’sGo123GO!

[Chooch and Shane lock eyes, Shane looks away in 0.0000001 seconds]

Shane Victorino: OhManYouGotMeThatTimeChooch. YouShouldBeOnThePanamanianStaringContestOlympicTeamOrSomething.

Chooch: Good idea, Chane! Oh hey, here comes Norse Yennifer!

Nurse Jennifer: Sorry to keep you waiting, guys. It’s been a crazy day. What seems to be the problem?

Chooch: I hab tweaked my back, Chase has been chot, and Chane is dying of AIDS.

Shane: YeahLikeTomHanksInThatMovieTurnerAndHoochDoYouThinkTheDogDiedOfAIDSIBetHeDid.

Nurse Jennifer: Shane. For the last time, you aren’t dying of AIDS. And Tom Hanks only had AIDS in the movie Philadelphia, which should be easy for you to remember since it is the city you currently live in. You have ADD… Attention Deficit Disorder. It means your brain has a hard time staying focused on one topi-

Shane: ICanHoldMyBreathFor90SecondsWannaSee?!

[Shane takes a deep breath, holds it in for two seconds, then exhales]

Shane: HolyCrapLookAtChaseHisLegFellOff!

Chase Utley: [reattaching his own leg with an ACE bandage] I’m fine.

Nurse Jennifer: Ok guys, I need to deal with Chase. Shane, this is your dose of Ritalin. This will help you calm down. And Carlos, I’ll give you two Extra Strength Tylenol for your back. You just need to rest it. If it’s not better in a few days, just let me know.

Chooch: Gracias, Norse Yennifer! Adios. Feel better, Chase!

[A girl with a low-cut, sparkly top walks by. Shane disappears after her in a flash, leaving only his faint calls of “HiI’mShaneIHaveAIDSLikeBoyzIIMenInThatSongMotownphilly. MyFavoriteMovieIsFastFiveCuzTheCarsAreAllVroomIDriveAHonda,” as he chases after her]

Nurse Jennifer: Ok, Chase. Let’s get a look at that wound. Why don’t you take your shirt off?

Chase Utley: I’m fine.

Nurse Jennifer: Chase. I can see you’re bleeding. Go ahead and get the shirt off, and I’ll grab some gauze.

[Nurse Jennifer closes the door]

Nurse Jennifer: Such a nice day today. You don’t mind if a take off my lab coat, do you?

Chase Utley: Whatever. Can I leave now?

Nurse Jennifer: [begins cleaning out the wound] This’ll just take a minute, Chase. After all, you’re so strong and tough. And mature. Not like the other boys in this school. I bet the girls go crazy for you.

Chase Utley: I have a girlfriend. Her name is Jen, too. She likes animals.

Nurse Jennifer: Animals, huh? Do you like animals, Chase?

Chase Utley: Sure.

Nurse Jennifer: Because I can be a bit of a wildcat.

Free Image Hosting

[Nurse Jennifer reaches down the front of Chase’s pants]

Chase Utley: Whoa, what are you doing?

Nurse Jennifer: Oh come on, Chase. I know you like me. You’re always hurting yourself and coming down here to see me. Your wrist, your broken hand, your knee, and now this silly gunshot wound. I know what you’re up to. Tell me you can’t feel the chemistry between us.

Chase Utley: [performs tracheotomy on self with tongue depressor] I just like playing baseball, lady. I get hurt a lot because I play it “the right way“. And for the last time, I’m fine.

Nurse Jennifer: [purring like a kitten] You sure are.

Chase Utley: Look, here’s the deal. You tell Principal Manuel and Superintendent Amaro that I’m healthy enough to play baseball again, or I’m telling everyone you grabbed my junk and tried to seduce me.

Nurse Jennifer: WHAT?! You wouldn’t…

Chase Utley: Yes, I would. Maybe you didn’t hear me say this the first time. I. Like. Playing. Baseball. And neither you, nor tendinitis, nor a stupid gunshot wound is going to stop me. Now sign this clearance so I can go take batting practice.

Nurse Jennifer: [signing paper] But, Chase… I… I love you.

Chase Utley: [puts on sunglasses, begins walking out of the nurse's office, then turns around on his way out the door]…

[big ups to @petzrawr for the sexy nurse GIF]

Danger Guerrero is a fancypants Philadelphia area law student who has written for many impressive websites, including Warming Glow and Film Drunk. If you’d like to offer him a substantial amount of money to make cheap jokes at the expense of famous people, or just say hi, you can contact him on Twitter (@DangerGuerrero) or via email (DangerGuerrero [at] gmail [dot] com).

54 Responses to “Phillies High: Chase Just Wants To Play”

  1. PhillyPhanInChi says:

    You just somehow referenced Philadelphia, Turner and Hooch and ESB all in one post that has to do with baseball. I’m not sure if I should turn the internets back on for the rest of the day.

  2. Rhymeface says:

    Definitely funnier but I can’t help but think that ZWR needs to be credited for this in some way.

  3. Sweet Dee says:

    Saved By The Bell completes this. Wow.

  4. Franny Murt says:

    Every time I read Chooch’s part, I hear this in my head:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUUgOG4HK2c

  5. Loqiel says:

    Epic. Had me rolling.

  6. Tonleoc says:

    “A pineapple scented gust blows through room. Shane Victorino suddenly appears on the next table” – That sentence is GOLD. Thats exactly how i wouldthink shane would enter a room!

  7. Philly fan stuck in DC says:

    Agree with phan in chi – the internet can’t do any better for the day. Chooch’s mastery of the english language is the icing on the cake.

  8. olo567 says:

    Win.

  9. ChickPhilA says:

    Chane Bictorino!

    That is all.

  10. Krarbrah says:

    I hope to see more Shane Victorino appearances. The bug eyed stick figure was excellent.

  11. Lauren says:

    my favorite is: I CAN SEE JOUR LIBBER!

  12. Glenn says:

    Amazing

  13. Chazbot says:

    Dying over here. The Chooch accent is on point.

  14. Nikita says:

    Chane, I mean Shane does NOT have ADD…the rest of the world is just too slow. And focussed.

  15. TheGood1 says:

    Danger Guerrero for President! I’m still laughing hysterically.

    Keep this going! You should get a comic book deal or something. The artwork is amazing.

  16. Shane says:

    Truly a masterful display of prose, plot, and literary poise. Brilliant in every way.

  17. Ryan says:

    I CAN SEE YOUR LIBBER!

    it gets me every time.

  18. WTT says:

    I bow before you, sir. Fucking perfect.

  19. DP says:

    Chooch is my favorite by far on these 2 skits.

    Can I buy a jersey with Chooch’s name on the back and on the front “PanamanianStaringContestOlympicTeam”? Birdland needs to get on that ASAP.

  20. Thank GOD! This site has had AIDS lately. Now I remember why I used to love it.

    Very nicely done.

  21. INeedABeer says:

    As long as Chooch has the majority of the lines in all of these, they will always be funny. I agree with those who believe “Jour Libber” is the best line of them all.

  22. Wobbled Wheels says:

    OMG…I agree with @TheGood1, Danger should turn this into a comic book adventure. Shit makes my day, lol.

  23. @ says:

    Omg love this.

  24. Kenny Junod says:

    It would be funny if they had the Big Tank in the nurses office with Dany Boy Baez as his interpreter.

  25. WTT says:

    @22…

    I think our site as AIDS. And Lance. Not sure which is worse.

    IthinkShaneVictorinosADDisthebestpartaboutthisgottago.

  26. Section118 says:

    When’s principal manuel gonna appear?

  27. Danyiel says:

    Hahahahahaha. This is fucking funny!

  28. Vince says:

    Please make Jamie Moyer the janitor! He can be the forgotten high school star who lost his shot at glory.

  29. 1977 says:

    han solo’d

  30. Franny Murt says:

    I picture Moyer more like Carl the janitor telling the kids that the clock is twenty minutes fast.

  31. DanB says:

    The pineapple scented gust part was too funny. These are fantastic.

  32. Kyle Scott says:

    A. This is stupid. ZOMG Cartoons? Really guys? LAM-E.
    B. ADD isn’t even real and if it was real I wouldn never catch it because I am smarter than it.
    C. Nurse Jennifer is not that hot and TRUST me I know b/c I have a smoking hot gf who is real and she is hot and loves to tailgate.
    D. (sup baby if you read this I know we both like cartoons especially Backyardigans so don’t be upset it’s just for show friggin love you so much can we go to Chickie and Pete’s tonight I have a proposition for them to brew a Crossing Broad Hard Lemonade xoxo)

  33. Jim says:

    Like a boss

  34. Bruce Chen says:

    SO HAWT

  35. Tiger Woods' Escalade says:

    dude, put alfonseca somewhere next time. it would make my week, wait scratch that, make my year if that would have happened

  36. danger's mom says:

    danger, its a good thing you got a scholarship to law school or i would be so mad right now

  37. Danger Guerrero says:

    @danger’s mom

    HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

    P.S. Send money

  38. this wins on so many levels

  39. Lynniemac says:

    The whole thing is hilarious, but Chooch ees…Dios mio, de bess.

  40. Really? says:

    You brought the website back for this?

  41. Lance is leaving the fightins says:

    I’m so done with this site I’m in 426 row 5 on 5/21 anyone from here is more than welcome to stop by but I’ve had it with our faggot fan base. Me and my die hard four for four crew ate the best fans on Philly. My challenge is still open to the jetrowarriors for the 21st. K lot be there assholes. Lance out

  42. This was hilarious. I had to stop reading it because I don’t want my coworkers to think I am insane.

  43. J says:

    CHICKENFINGERS!!!!!!!!!!

  44. lance is a homo says:

    Wow lance…you are a serious dbag…meet in 426? Like you friggin own the section. You are the type of punk who buys a 3 pack and tells his friends hes a season ticket holder. And you and your 4 for 4 friends probably couldnt name the greatest philly player all time in each sport. You were the kind of guy that wore a yankees hat because it looked cool until 07 when it became hip to wear a phillies hat instead. You then heard anthony gargano use the term 4 for 4 and now say it everywhere you go because it makes you sound like a hardass. This was a great post and you can go scratch the asses of your friends sittng in section 426. The fightins dont need you because you make the rest of us real fans look bad. Go eff yourself.

  45. Philly fan stuck in DC says:

    @ 46 – I wholeheartedly endorse that statement.

  46. themajor says:

    @lance wait so you aren’t just being sarcastic? cause I thought that was sarcasm. also how do you eat the best fans? and seriously who challenges someone to braw over a silly website. go look up some porn and tug it cause you clearly need to release some rage.

  47. foo says:

    I love the bug eyed Victorino stick figure!!

  48. Nino Espinosa says:

    Very funny stuff…made my morning…

  49. Chutley says:

    Chase Utley: [reattaching his own leg with an ACE bandage] I’m fine.
    These skits are fucking genius…

  50. omfg …. Brilliant. I wish this really did happen.

  51. Per Head says:

    Hilarious, love the south park imagery.
    Per Head

  52. Plezbo says:

    This is quite possibly the most brilliant thing that I have seen on the interwebz. Fantastic you guys, simply stunning.

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Written by Danger Guerrero

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