The Fightins'
May
16
2011
An Important Public Service Announcement For Phillies Fans
Posted by Danger Guerrero at 9:30 am ET 79 Comments

Hi there, Fightins readers. I’m Danger Guerrero. You may know me around these parts from my Phillies High series of posts, where I draw doofy cartoons, imagine members of the Phillies as youthful caricatures of themselves, and make Carlos Ruiz say things in a delightfully stereotypical Spanish accent. Good, good times. But I come to you today with a more serious, personal message. Something has been weighing on me the last few weeks, and I need to get it off my chest. Please meet me after the jump, so I can deliver this very special public service announcement to you.

Shut up.

That’s pretty much the gist of it. Just shut up a little more. I’m not entirely sure when it happened, but at some point we, as a fanbase, became incredibly whiny. Nowhere is this more true than Twitter. Like a lot of you, I follow a pretty serious number of Phillies fans. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t check Twitter during the games that much anymore, lest I’m besieged with people Tweeting things about how “This team isn’t built to win!” or “Their record is a mirage,” or, my favorite, the sarcastic “Naturally (insert Phillies player) would (insert form of baseball related failure) in that spot!” I’m not going to name names, because I’m a goddamn gentleman, but let’s just say there are a lot of them, and some of the guilty parties may or may not be affiliated with certain prominent Phillies blogs that rhyme with “The Thightens.” (Shots fired! Kind of!) Of course, you could argue that if I don’t like it I could unfollow them, but that doesn’t solve the problem. Did Bruce Wayne just stop reading the crime section? No. And yes, in this analogy, I am Batman.

Pictured: The hero this fanbase needs.

The following things are true:

1) The Phillies have the best record in the National League.

2) Number one is true despite prominent playing time being given to people named Pete Orr, Wilson Valdez, Brian Schneider, and Ben Francisco.

3) Chase Utley, Brad Lidge, and top prospect Dom “Aw Man” Brown have not played an inning yet. (Note: Even though he’s periodically infuriating, having Lidge back at closer creates a domino effect that pushes Madson back the 8th, and Bastardo/Romero/Contreras back to the 7th and blah blah blah less Kyle Kendrick in meaningful spots. This is a good thing.)

4) Our rotation is twelve kinds of awesome with a ten-gallon hat on.

Seriously, next time you want to whine like a toddler, go back and read that list. Can you imagine how much other fanbases despise your complaining in the face of those four facts? Hell, just imagine how much your 2001 self would hate yourself now. A short trip in the Wayback Machine shows that the Phillies’ rotation that year consisted of Robert Person, Omar Daal, Randy Wolf, Dave Coggin, Bruce Chen, and something called an “Amaury Telemaco.” Yeesh. You know that guy who complains about the sound system in his brand new Porsche? You know how much you hate that guy? Because you’ve become him. Congratulations, you’re an asshole.

Knock it off or it's curtains for the puppy. You would be unwise to test me.

At this point, allow me to address a few counterarguments:

I can say what I want!

Yes, you can. But you’re an asshole and everyone hates you.

So, what? You’re saying I can’t complain about things that suck, or players that are underperforming?

No, of course not. Here, watch this: Ibanez is playing like a putz this year. See how I did that? That’s not whining. That’s objective analysis (sort of). I’m not a SABR pro or anything, but if I was I’d tell you his DeRP Max is an astonishing negative tenfinity.5 or something. But there’s a difference between saying he’s playing terribly/streakily, and lodging passive aggressive complaints every time he pops out.

But DG! The offense! AAARRRGGHHHH

Good point. Allow me this rebuttal: So? Who cares how many runs the offense scores as long as the team is winning games? See fact number four, above. Naturally I’d love it if the team scored eight runs a game and Shane Victorino never swung at a first pitch immediately after a four-pitch walk. But this is the point of having such a good staff. Some teams win games 10-8, others win them 3-2. Just a different style of baseball. It may not be as exciting as watching red and white blurs circling the bases, but it’s a W. And, again, there’s a giant hole in the middle of the lineup that plays the game “the right way” and sounds a lot like the intro to “Kashmir.” Cool out, babies.

In conclusion, going forward, try to knock it off a little. I don’t think you realize how good we as a fanbase have it. Go look at the rosters of some other teams. Really, go. (Note: Please do not go. I’m almost done.) I understand no one likes it when their team loses games, but for the love of God, have some self respect. Look at the big picture. If you do want to lodge a complaint, make it a new, novel one. Trust me, the rest of us can do without your shocking revelation that Ryan Howard sometimes looks like a boob when he flails at an outside slider.

So, if you still feel the urge to rush to Twitter to type something like “NATURALLY! Of course Ibanez would ground into a double play here,” even after my plea/puppy threat, try this: step away from the computer, take a deep breath, and hold it until you pass out.

Thank you, and have a pleasant day.

79 Responses to “An Important Public Service Announcement For Phillies Fans”

  1. Randy Marsh says:

    aww yeaa chalets wont overwhelm the chicken’s natural flavor fuck yea

  2. Jocksniffer says:

    ¿Qué?

  3. Nino Espinosa says:

    Dios Mio.

  4. MCDilz says:

    Dooommmeeed!

  5. phils43 says:

    You just summed up what I’ve had the urge to say to my Phillies-following friends for the past few weeks. Well said, sir.

  6. theKrisheim says:

    5) Check the fucking calendar on the wall, or on your phone, or on your mom’s refrigerator. It is MAY. Get a fucking grip.

  7. Nicole says:

    This is why I simply don’t watch baseball in the company of the new-flock/bandwagoners. I don’t need shitty attitudes messing up my beisbol time. Fuck that.

  8. @shawnjames says:

    It’s one thing to complain about how the phillies are doing but then on top of that i see a million tweets complaning about the people who complain about that. everyone needs to shut up.

  9. Kyle Scott says:

    BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH (SUP BABBBBBBY IF YOU READ THIS)

  10. meech.one says:

    This is my third favorite PSA ever behind this:

    and this:

  11. jdash says:

    People who continually remind us “it’s only April/May/June!!!” are equally annoying

  12. Stop whining about whiners you whiny punk.

  13. meech.one says:

    I hate commenters who complain about other commenters complaining!

  14. But really, people have been quick to attack our young, eventual back-up players. They take Ben out for one game, and suddenly Rollins becomes public enemy #1.

  15. Taking a guess, and hoping all I need is the embed code…

  16. And I was wroooooooooooong.

  17. David Jablow says:

    Nice post D.G.,
    Saying what many of us are thinking.
    What’s your Twitter handle? wouldn’t mind following along.
    DJ

  18. It’s… wait for it…

    @DangerGuerrero

  19. Danger Guerrero says:

    I hate people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about people who complain about complaining.

    Know what I mean?

  20. Saint says:

    Haha – I must say I like how Mike Schmidt makes cocaine sound like steroids.

  21. @shawnjames says:

    parents who use drugs have children who use drugs hahahah

  22. Fact… Phillies have only lost 2 games in a row at most so far, and only did so 3 times this year. We good.

  23. Tim says:

    It would be undoubtedly fun (for a while at least) to win every game 12-1, but the people who are complaining about the current state of the Phillies overall with those four facts as they are probably don’t really like baseball, they just like winning big.

  24. Cranekicker says:

    Who taught you how to do this stuff???

  25. Nikco Riesgo says:

    …delightfully stereotypical…

    was that a clone high reference? if so, bravo sir!

  26. Drunk Jerkoff says:

    E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!

    This game is boring. Let’s go to McFadden’s

  27. stephannbury says:

    No, best PSA only to be outdone by this one…

  28. John Krunk says:

    Using Twitter is kinda faggy

  29. Mike P says:

    This is a great post, but I’d argue that it’s poorly timed. Look back at the comments on posts from June last year, when the team was losing games left and right. They frequently said things like: “I’m done with this team!”; “They’re not good enough to get out of 3rd place!”; “They’re never getting another dime of my money!”; “They might not get over .500 this year!”. People who haven’t watched baseball for very long don’t know how to relax and focus on the long-term. They forget that the 2008 Phillies were 4 games out of the Wild Card before that 4-game sweep of the Brewers in early September. They forget that the ’09 Phillies were in a similar position. Baseball is a long, long season that naturally features long periods of winning and losing for ALL teams, and getting so worked up about a win or a loss, particularly this early in the year, is pointless. Hell, given how well the Phils have played to this point in the year, I’d bet that they’re do for a streak of bad play at some point in the next month, especially given the strength of the opponents they’ll be facing the next few weeks. It happens, and it’s completely normal. It’s best to sit back, relax, drink a beer, and enjoy the game, regardless of its outcome, until we get to the final month. Then, as fans, we can start losing our shit.

  30. Zaahida says:

    NOT THE PUPPY!! I’ll do whatever you want, just let the puppy go!

  31. Danny says:

    you know now that you wrote this everyone will say “i’m not part of the whiny fanbase, i’m one of the ones who does it the right way! SCREW THOSE WHINERS!”

    i whine sometimes. it comes out. it’s the philadelphia genetics in me. it’s like some sports fan disease sometimes (sorry if you are offended by my equating this to a disease).

    i mean, i agree with all of your points. the phillies are going to be in the playoffs — it’s a bit like being a yankees fan, unfortunately. the regular season to this team has almost no meaning. we are just waiting around for doctober to begin.

    i think it’s okay to whine periodically. if a game is building up, i’ve watched the whole thing and raul has the bases loaded and swings at an r.a. dickey pitch that stops in the dirt because it’s so slow, i might pull a GODDAMMIT RAUL YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH AND YOUR CONTRACT HOLY SHIT. it might come out. the crappy thing about that is periodically, everyone whines at the same time.

    it’s a little bit like sexual frustration (yeah ok, chris will probably make some kind of mean joke about that), where it builds up so much and then you really get let down. when you get blue balls, you kinda wanna punch somebody. sports blue balls aren’t much different.

    so, i apologize if i’ve upset you in any way. i know baseball is 162 games, and i know the season is made up of hundreds of individual failures. but sometimes, i just gotta let it out, and i don’t have anywhere else to do it. and if that makes me an asshole…well, i’m from philadelphia.

  32. Nikita says:

    DG:

    I appreciate this PSA, and share your sentiments. But I do think that you have to cut some slack to the general public who whines, expresses dissatisfaction with every play gone wrong, etc. My beef is with the sports media who start with the sky is falling shit. On the post-game yesterday John Clark (name?) was all: ZOMG now the PRESSURE IS ON Roy Halladay! he was hysterical and I expected his perfectly coiffed hair to burst into flames at any moment.

    I’m more inclined to give him and kindred types a loud and boisterous STFU.

  33. WTT says:

    Larry Bowa always kept things cool.

  34. DJ Ron Hipple says:

    I can bitch if I want to as a fan

  35. BigMiles says:

    But DG- people pay their hard-earned money to follow this team. They should be able to do whatever they want. Also, Cole is a fairy.

    /WIP’d

  36. Bud says:

    Over the last few years I’ve developed a general apathy towards Phillies wins/losses/general level of play from the months of May through July. J-roll and his stupid “we’re a second half team, we’ll get hot” nonsense finally broke me down. I am much happier now and can live a more and enriched life.

  37. Danger Guerrero says:

    Look, whining and complaining is fine in moderation. Everyone does it. But the inferiority complex, “ESPN announcers give us no respect!” shit throughout a whole game, and the timeline of full-diaper WAH WAHing are getting to be a little much. That’s all. Sack up a little bit.

    XOXO

    DG

  38. Danny says:

    i’m on board with that, DG.

    *virtual handshake and mike sweeney hug*

  39. BakedMcBride says:

    Below is a very important PSA. There are problems much greater – maybe – than Benny Fresh being like Endy Chavez.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLZptx6UQLk

  40. JohnMatrix says:

    greater problems like Doc not beeing that sharp and lee getting knocked around every game?

  41. stinkbug says:

    i’m fine with everything

  42. Mike P says:

    @Baked

    The Eastwood is so much better, though:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLICsSuUO5s&feature=related

    And Matrix, please tell me that’s sarcasm. 3 runs over 8 innings–2 of which came courtesy of a series of IF singles and broken-bat hits–is an absolutely fine performance. It’s not Doc’s best game, but at the same time, that should have been enough for the Phils to win. Lee hasn’t been at his best, but his ERA is still 3.78 and he has only give up more than 3 runs twice. That’s not exactly “getting knocked around.”

    Are the Phils playing at their best? Probably not. But that’s what’s so crazy. They’re still kicking a whole lotta ass, and on pace to win over 100 games.

  43. BroadnPattison08 says:

    SAID!

  44. I will continue to rant about anyone swinging at the first pitch after a walk to load the bases. I hate that shit. Otherwise, I’m a proponent of this psa.

  45. Franny Murt says:

    Batman looks familiar. Is he carrying bags filled with tastykakes? Or maybe donuts?

  46. I agree with what you said, except for the part about Lidge.

    Brad Lidge should not be pitching in meaningful spots when you have Madson and Bastardo just slaying. Assume Big Truck comes back and Stutes keeps it up and I say without a doubt that we keep our position as one of the best bullpens in the majors.

  47. Phylan says:

    While I mostly agree, Lidge coming back and getting the 9th inning again is going to piss me off.

  48. hahaha says:

    people who write PSA’s in May are gay

  49. DP says:

    Phillies High = Like.

    PSA Announcement = Fail. This is a bunch of jambalaya. Too much Philly on Philly crime for my liking.

  50. Gabrielle says:

    While I agree with the overall feel of this post, I have to play devil’s advocate for one second:

    Aren’t Twitter, Facebook, blogs, and other social media outlets based solely on the idea of people posting their opinions about things? It seems odd to me that a blogger would blog an opinion about people being too opinionated on their blogs.

  51. Lynniemac says:

    What Danny said in comment #36. Except for the blue balls part. Because I don’t have that.

  52. Lance in the pants says:

    It’s all the bandwagon jumpers who are complaining. The ones who call WIP every week and complain about Andy Reid, not getting cliff lee, Allen inversion. They were die hard sixers, then switched to the Eagles in ’03, then the phillies in 2008. I’ve talked about it till I’m blue in the face. The fan base was non existent expect for die hards like myself and baseball nerds who have only liked baseball. Now all the upset eagles fans the frat boys the Irish scum from Fishtown have traded in their Dawkins jersey’s for lee shirts. I can’t stand the complaining. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I’m sick and tired of the pissing and moaning. Cum at me on the 21st I’ll show you what I mean

  53. I think I’m gonna pass on “cumming” at Lance in the pants. That’s just a disturbing thought.

  54. Think I’d rather have blue balls

  55. Lance in the pants says:

    @ Gabriel

    Social media was created so people who don’t work in media, who are soft spoken in public, or who are just ego maniacs who think everything they say is right. People on this site think I’m a creep, annoying, and just plain sick. I’m not voicing my opinion. I’m just observing and reporting what I see about this new young jerkoff fan base we have

  56. Its Still Early says:

    so….you guys don’t like me?

  57. Tiger Woods' Escalade says:

    This wouldn’t happen if the expectations weren’t so high. We could set our expectations so low that a Polanco hit would surprise us.

  58. Heather says:

    I joined twitter a few years ago to talk about the Phillies. Now I avoid it like the plague during all Phillies games. I agree with danger guerrero.

  59. WTT says:

    DG makes some valid points, but he totally dismisses others, too.

    While he points out that the phillies were four games out in mid-September and won the World Series in 2008, he fails to mention that last year all anyone did was bitch about the offense and guess what killed them in the end….the offense.

    But what’s more, to be cliche for a moment–every year is different. You can allude to slow starts in past years, but that doesn’t guarantee or work as an accurate predictor . I get what he’s saying, you gotta chill out, all that stuff…25-14. The big picture. And to say the 2001 fan would have kicked the ass of a 2011 fan, maybe. But I think everyone feels a sense of urgency that this team should win the World Series. And so when reoccuring issues such as, you know, hitting the baseball results in you losing 4 of 6 to the braves in a 10 day stretch, I could see why some may be a bit upset about that. It’s a great post because it generates good discussion, with valid points made on both sides.

    HOLY SHIT A RATIONAL THOUGHT.

  60. Danger Guerrero says:

    @ WTT

    Technically, in my defense, I failed to mention both of the things you listed in the first paragraph.

  61. WTT says:

    @DG

    No need for defense–I think what you wrote was pretty much spot on.

    (Sorry post 34 seemed to mesh with your initial post.) Read it at work this morning, then came back to it.

  62. Old man says:

    ANIMAL CRUELTY!

  63. BakedMcBride says:

    No problem in general with the post – I even mostly agree with it, and wouldn’t have a problem with a post, anyway – though I likely wouldn’t read twitter accounts of people who complain a lot and read the blogs if I wasn’t at least interested in the self-flagellation (and comments about that approach) that is Phillies baseball discourse.

    I do, however, wonder about statements such as this: “Who cares how many runs the offense scores as long as the team is winning games?.” Um, I do. Not enough to bitch and moan and get worked up about it, but the notion that baseball is some sort of entertainment teleology and/or binary for fans – the only thing that matters is winning, and there are only wins (good!) and loses (bad) – may be how some approach it, but not me. It is enertainment and some games are a lot more entertaining than others and that is what we talk about anyway. Again, people watch and look for different things -maybe wining is all that matters to the author, though given the performance and whatnot I think the involvement runs a bit deeper – but I think it ok if there is whole lot more to spending a couple of hours watching each night than just “hey they won and pitched well, SAID.” Jokes about racists, for one.

    Then, of course, there is the irony of @fansince09 posting an awesome satire of the “how you are supposed to watch baseball” and this seemingly straight jawn of the same topic. shit’s still funny though.

  64. The only thing worth complaining about right now is Ryan Howard.

    Ugh.

  65. Danger Guerrero says:

    @ Baked McBrike – I like that you called me “the author.”

  66. Francis Kirchner, Charles Bowers and Jim Groves says:

    Hey Lance are you certain you want to be calling out drunken Irish Fishtowners? Cause while we may be unavailable for the 21st or any other game for that matter there are surely a few associates of ours willing to make the trip to your section.

    And yes we did call you Shirley.

  67. Philly fan stuck in DC says:

    Thank you for writing this Danger. You hit the nail on the head on EVERY point. So many of us are spoiled lately.

  68. Comcast says:

    We got spoiled again in the first tonight. :)

  69. Chris says:

    THANK YOU! So sick of hearing those things too. I can’t take anyone seriously who complains about a team that has the best record in the National League and is in first place in their division.

  70. Lance in the pants says:

    @ 72

    Hope you’re having fun holding pockets in Gratoford asshole. Fuck fishtown and all of ne Philly. Fucking scum sucking Irish faggots

  71. The Sisko says:

    Am I the only one who remembers being two games over .500 sometime around July of last year? Well, obviously, I’m not, but I like being passive-aggressive sometimes.

    Yeah, sure, I curse at the TV when Jimmy pops up the first pitch and Shane looks ridiculous swinging at shit and Valdez… well… pulls a Valdez special. But I curse at the TV knowing that sometime soon I’ll be jumping off my couch and squealing in delight, which has already happened at several points this season.

    Long season, everyone. Don’t run out of pants by crapping in them so early.

  72. J says:

    Who checks Twitter doing a game?

  73. Sherry W says:

    Thank you sir, for this post.

    People are whining that we are going to miss the WS in MAY. We just have to beat the other assholes in our division, and frankly we just have to float along until All-Star Break, when Phillies generally heat up.

    CHILL THE FUCK OUT! HIGH HOPES!

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