What is it about the AL Central that provides such a shot in the arm for ex-Phillies pitchers? First there was Gavin Floyd, who’s having a career year with the White Sox, and now Freddy “Fucking” Garcia (he of the 1-5, 5.90 ERA season in 2007) pitches a 5-inning shutout for his first win as a Detroit Tiger. That already matches his win total from last season. Fuck me sideways.

Here’s the post-game quote from Garcia that literally made steam shoot out of my ears:

“I like the guys here,” Garcia said. “I like the manager and pitching coach and staff. They want to win. They will win at some point.”

Hey, shithead — we “want to win” here, too. We fucking LOVE it. But you know what we DON’T love? When our quasi-retired GM pays $10 million to an out-of-shape pitcher that shits the bed for 11 games before colliding with a maintenance cart and then realizing he needs season-ending shoulder surgery.

I’m no expert or anything, but they really should institute some kind of physical examination of players before signing them to such high-priced deals. What? You mean they have and Pat Gillick chose not to do it? Awesome.

So, yeah, congrats on your victory, Freddy. Try not to back into anything while you’re celebrating — like, say, a maintenance cart. Or a Mack truck. You colossal fucking bust.

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