Pitchers and catchers report today. Those words fill the heart of every baseball fan with thoughts of spring and great anticipation for a new season of hope just around the corner. For Yours Truly — the B-Man himself — I am psyched beyond words. More so that I’ve been in years, as a matter of fact. And I’m here to tell you why.
Although my uniform may look different, the heart of a competitor still beats beneath its logo, and the batting-practice arm of a warrior fills the right sleeve. Banish me to Houston, will you, Mr. Amaro? Fine. Ed Wade and I have a message, and you and those other fools back in Philly better listen up: Today is the day I plot my revenge on the team that made me a champion.
While the Phillies were shooting their wad winning division titles and a World Championship, the Astros (aka, my NEW favorite team) were patiently waiting their turn, not wishing to draw attention to their plan of dominating the National League in 2010 and beyond. What plan, you ask? Why, nothing less devious than pretending to appear to other teams as a mediocre franchise, not wishing to reveal their true potential by cleverly finishing fifth in a six-team division. It’s a classic Wadian tactic, and you guys fell for it! Suckers.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Now it’s time for revenge, and you better believe that, much like my awesome chin beard, the list is growing every day. Here’s just a brief sample of those who should get ready to tremble in their shoes…
1. Charlie Manuel. How dare you pull me from a game just as I was hitting my stride? I do my best work when the bases are loaded and I’ve surrendered three home runs in five innings! “Manager?” Pfft. More like micro-manager.
2. Ruben Amaro, Jr. Bad mistake cutting me loose, amigo. I’m the kind of pitcher franchises are built around, and you’re about to learn that fact the hard way when I step on the mound against that squad of losers you’ve chosen to keep. Watch as I lull your precious Ryan Howard into a state of complacency by allowing him to hit home runs in his first three at-bats! That’s when the Brettster shifts into “lock-down mode,” and when that happens there is nowhere to hide, my friend.
3. Cole Hamels? I’m gunning for you. Now who’s going to hold your hand and dry those precious little lady-tears when the game isn’t going your way? I can’t believe I had to lie to those press weasels and tell them we weren’t fighting during the World Series because you gave up on your teammates. Better hope you don’t face me this year, because I have a gift-wrapped inside fastball with your dainty little name on it.
4. Jose Manero, assistant locker room attendant. You know what you did.
That’s just a taste. As for you Phillies fans out there, take heed: Your team just made a deal with the Devil. Letting me go and signing Roy Halladay tells me you guys simply aren’t committed to winning in the long term. Like a tightly-coiled cobra that figured out how to hold a baseball glove, my Houston teammates and I (who are now total buds, by the way — we go hunting and everything) are going to strike at you with our mighty bat-fangs.
I’m more focused than ever, too. No more out-of-control rage for this flamethrower! Now, whenever I feel like peppering someone with obscenities or throwing a punch, I just reach into my wallet and take out a picture of my beautiful wife. Then I punch that. Crisis averted.
I remember sitting in Ed Wade’s office just moments after signing my new contract. We were smoking cigars, swirling our whiskey glasses, and just cackling with joy over how we were going to make Philly regret cutting me loose. After a few seconds I stopped laughing, but Eddie kept on going.
“Why are you still laughing, Ed?” I had to ask. He said, “Oh, I just remembered this really funny joke I heard at the owners’ meeting last year.” “How does it go?” I asked him. “I’d love to tell you,” he said, “but I traded the rights to that story for two ‘knock-knock’ jokes and a bad pun.” Heh. That’s old Eddie for you.
So be warned, Philadelphia. We dominated you guys last year, and once we figure out how to beat the other 14 teams in the National League, the Astros will be darn near unstoppable.
Mark my words: You will all, each and every one of you, rue the day you cheered me as I rode on top of a parade float and gave me the best memories of my career. I swear it!
70 Comments on “Today I Plot My Revenge On The Team That Made Me A Champion”
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General
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:13 pm
Gold!
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:18 pm
CAMO LIVES
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:20 pm
“I’m more focused than ever, too. No more out-of-control rage for this flamethrower! Now, whenever I feel like peppering someone with obscenities or throwing a punch, I just reach into my wallet and take out a picture of my beautiful wife. Then I punch that. Crisis averted.”
I see what you did there.
Nicely done.
But this is still my favorite Myers moment: http://bit.ly/hgtDt
February 3rd, 2010 at 11:52 pm
Brett started his plot for revenge when he was sent down to the Pigs.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:06 am
bahahahahahh funniest post in a long time. only 2 weeks.
February 4th, 2010 at 12:40 am
LOL dude, that is TOTAL FUCKING GOLD right there!
I think that Houston’s next move may be to hire Larry Bowa as Manager, to go along with their Ed Wade Era Phillies team on the field.
Brett Myers+Larry Bowa is like pouring gasoline on a fucking blazing fire. There would be more ejections than won games!
February 4th, 2010 at 1:01 am
I predict a send down to the Red Rock Express before the All Star game. Ain’t it a shame to beat your wife on a Sunday when you got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday? Or Thursday, Friday, Saturday ain’t it a shame?
February 4th, 2010 at 1:13 am
Hahaha great stuff there. The Cole Hamels one is priceless.
And Beck, why’d you have to post that .gif? I think I’ve watched it more now than when it was first posted haha
February 4th, 2010 at 7:19 am
Instant classic.
February 4th, 2010 at 8:02 am
“…much like my awesome chin beard, the list is growing every day.”
Clearly, Ruiz has to be on the list. Wasn’t he the one calling the pitches that Myers was shaking off? No one tells Brett what to do; just ask his wife.
February 4th, 2010 at 8:10 am
I hope one day Jose Manero googles his own name and finds this post.
February 4th, 2010 at 8:39 am
Funny stuff.
“Ruben Amaro, Jr. Bad mistake cutting me loose, amigo.”
Also gold. I can picture Brett calling him amigo which is completely hilarious.
February 4th, 2010 at 8:43 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTKFbuikkuk
February 4th, 2010 at 8:53 am
Yawn…
My story is better.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:11 am
Not bad. Would’ve been more appropriate right after he said he was going to stick it to the Phils.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:42 am
The story, like the pitcher himself, is only mediocre.
Just my opinion.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:51 am
The Jose Manero part had me laughing my ass off
February 4th, 2010 at 10:02 am
Sumthin’ tells me that there’s some Eastbound and Down inspirin’ goin’ on theres.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:23 am
@bigmyc: He could have done a little better if that’s the case. Maybe he could have talked about Brett’s ecperiences at Shaboom Shabooms.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:24 am
@bigmyc-when I was reading it, it was Kenny Power’s voice coming out of Brett’s mouth…Straight trailer park, Eastbound and Down material. Nice.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:28 am
experiences*
/absoluteembarrassingfail
February 4th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Ha that was awesome. Thanks for the memories Brett, I hope you get to “stick it” to the Phillies. He can do this by not watching us when we are playing in October. Myers could lead the National League in Punch-outs*.
*Of his wife.
Please though folks don’t hit women, they’re awesome!
February 4th, 2010 at 11:15 am
I say, “bring on the Asros.”
Who’s with me?
February 4th, 2010 at 2:40 pm
Apparently Brett Myers is Kenny Fuckin’ Powers?
February 4th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Is Chris Coste still with the Stros’? I’m too lazy to check.
February 4th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Nope. He’s with the Mets, Shane’s beard.
February 4th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
All you motherfuckers are gonna pay, You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We’re gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Philly and find those Phillie fucks who are making the playoffs, we’re gonna make ‘em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made ‘em eat. Then you’re all fucking next.
February 4th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
brett you’re such a drag
February 4th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Wow. And I thought Brett didn’t know how to spell all those words.
February 4th, 2010 at 8:43 pm
How could i not know that Coste signed with the Metros?
February 4th, 2010 at 10:37 pm
You should be ashamed Shane’s beard. It was the *biggest signing this offseason.
*most irrelevant and unimpressive.
February 5th, 2010 at 8:06 am
So, how many more days until the trucks leave? I want a countdown to that.
February 5th, 2010 at 9:09 am
With this god damn snowstorm coming there is nothing more that I want right now than some rawhide popping into a mitt. I heard they bring Wheeler down in a bat bag.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:26 am
over/under on the amount of years it takes for Houston to realize there’s a dangerous light poll in center field?
February 5th, 2010 at 10:54 am
Will.H, that’s not the first place to have something like that. It’s part of the retro feel of ballparks now (You know, the gross commercialism of the whole thing?).
I’d say it’s going to be when someone from another team gets hurt running into it or something, and that team starts to look into legal action to have the ‘Stros pay for the health care costs.
February 5th, 2010 at 11:04 am
hahahahahaha……..Brett Myers is the new Kenny Powers!!!!!
February 5th, 2010 at 11:04 am
Brett Myers is the new Kenny Powers
February 5th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Everyone trips on that stupid hill anyway so I don’t think anyone could hit that lightpost full on.
February 5th, 2010 at 11:06 am
I like the ankle twisting/rolling potential of the mound that the pole sits on.
February 5th, 2010 at 11:42 am
Ken Lay threw out the first pitch in Minute Maid park. Thanks, Wikipedia!
February 5th, 2010 at 12:24 pm
yeah bigmyc, whats better than a pole in front of the fence than a hill to make you lose your balance?
February 5th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
That pole better stay out of Eddie’s way when he parachutes in with the ball for the first pitch this year.
February 5th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
i’d close the dome for that
February 5th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Watrick, Truck Day is either next Wednesday or Thursday (if I HAD to choose one or the other, I think it’s Thursday).
February 5th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Clearly, will H., this mound needs an alligator filled moat around it to protect that pole.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
How about landmines on the basepaths?
February 5th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
Lynnie, that to me is the start of the baseball season.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
To me, too. It, along with Opening Day, should be a national holiday.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:40 pm
“Ya, cause you’re a retard, you don’t know shit about fucking baseball. You’re filling in for somebody!”
February 5th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Easy now, Ricky, Meech is doing the best he can…he’s been learning as he goes.
February 5th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
bigmyc if these alligators knew how to talk some shit, it’d be even more disruptive.
February 5th, 2010 at 6:02 pm
I am so upset with myself. Just got home from Barnes & Nobles where I saw Ryan Madson (and his wife). Of course I had to scope him out and make sure it was him so I didn’t ask a total stranger for his autograph and picture; he caught me staring three times and by then it was too late. Ugh, I was way too much of a pussy to actually go up to him but I did get a picture of him at the register from about 100 feet away. I was behind him at the light (he drives a Range Rover) and fully prepared to follow him but he turned right and I went left and by then it was too late. I am totally disgusted with myself.
February 5th, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Forgot to add my parting shot:
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b381/ceciliabazurto/Doggie.jpg?t=1265410991
February 5th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
he was probly in there buying dear god its me margaret for cole hamels because he was too embarrassed but ryan assured him that he people dont think he has a vagina so it wont be a big deal
February 5th, 2010 at 8:51 pm
maria, i love it! great reporting.
BD i think you’re right.
February 5th, 2010 at 8:54 pm
Come on, maria! You gotta say SOMETHING to him!!!
I would’ve told him to never throw a 2-strike fastball over the middle to Brian Roberts.
February 5th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
Okay, I was with my sister when this “encounter” occurred. I’m not really sure you could even call it that. We also do this weird (actually dumb) thing when we see people that look familiar, we call it out (not enough for them to actually hear). My sister sees him and she’s like, “Ryan Madson!” I turn around and see a lanky guy taller than the bookshelf and say, “Really?” She starts laughing hysterically because she didn’t actually think it was him. He heard her, looked at her, and kept looking at his book. At that point he probably thought she was laughing at him. He later walked over to the travel section and sat to read. I circled him three or four times (he saw me do this at least two times) and could see nothing that I could say that wouldn’t make me look like a freak. I have NO guts. I did have on my Golden Girls t-shirt on, so if I had to ask him a question, I’d ask him, which was his favorite Golden Girl; either that, or ask if he had his WS ring that I could try on (very envious of that guy that went on the Phillies cruise).
What boggles the mind even more, no one noticed him! The girl at the register said nothing to him.
February 5th, 2010 at 9:53 pm
That is an excellent stalkerazzi picture, Maria.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:21 pm
God I miss Myers so much already.
February 5th, 2010 at 10:42 pm
Lynnie, stalking him I could excel in, actually saying words, I don’t think so.
February 5th, 2010 at 11:38 pm
Maria, I have a picture of a certain ex-Phil walking his dogs on Locust Street that says I understand completely.
February 6th, 2010 at 12:47 am
The thing is that those kind of things don’t happen to me. That was my opportunity and I absolutely blew it. Damn my parents for not instilling confidence in me.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:23 am
Ha, the only time I ever “met” a Phillies player was on fan appreciation night, and it’s not exactly like we got to strike up a discussion or anything lol
I am still envious of you Maria, even if you didn’t talk to Ryan.
February 6th, 2010 at 2:00 am
I met Ryan Howard in a steakhouse when I made a trip to St. Louis for a Phillies series. He couldn’t have been any nicer and introduced me to his brother. L.A. was chatting it up at the bar, and Aaron Rowand was drinking beers alone. In retrospect, I should have went over to him and said something, but he looked lost in thought. On the way out, Mike Zagurski was coming in. All in all, that was a nice dinner.
February 6th, 2010 at 9:34 am
Did anyone else see Ryan Howard on CSN last night? Looks like he lost some weight, too. His head looked bigger than normal compared to his neck. Maybe Shane is the only one to gain any weight.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
figures, the only phillies personality i’ve met was Wheels… twice.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Did he give you a happy ending while he danced around your cock?
February 6th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
err… I meant rocked around your cock?
February 6th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
That picture is great. Just great.
..that little stinker..
February 8th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Great stuff!