“Good afternoon. First of all, I’d like to thank those members of the media who assembled here today. It feels like I’ve had to give more than a few of these recently. I’ve been in front of your faces so often, in a way I’ve become your chinbeard, too! [reporters laugh]

“As for why I’ve called this latest in a long line of press conferences — well, I don’t need to explain that to a room full of journalists. My owner has publicly embarrassed himself yet again.

“I’d like to think that his outburst against manager Charlie Manuel was rooted in a healthy spirit of competitiveness, a burning desire to stay out on that pitcher’s mound and get the job done. I really would.

“But I think we all know the real reason for his brief tirade against Charlie is that, regrettably speaking, my owner, Brett Myers, is an asshole. A giant, flaming, concrete-headed colon with legs.

“There’s just no other way to say it, I’m afraid. For me to stand here before you, again, and try to explain away his behavior as youthful indiscretion would amount to nothing more than giving this cretin a ‘Get Out Of Responsibility For Your Actions, Fuckface’ card.

“I know there are some of you out there in the press — Mr. Carchidi comes to mind — with whom Brett has instigated a rather antagonistic relationship. Please rest assured that this is not your fault. You chose to ask questions that require Brett to contemplate and answer for his poor pitching performances, and for that simple act you have incurred the wrath of a rampaging douchenozzle.

“I want you to know that, while Brett has undergone anger management counseling after the incident two years ago when he reportedly struck his wife on a Boston street, he’s still a mean-spirited, self-absorbed nutsucker. If you think what he’s attempted against you qualifies as intimidation, I’ve got you beat.

“I lost track of exactly how many times that queef-inhaling hothead has threatened to wipe me off his smug little bastardly face. Sometimes, just for kicks, he’ll stand in front of his bathroom mirror, with an electric razor in one hand and a large glob of Nair in the other, look me square in the beard, and say, ‘Choose.’ Sadistic jagoff.

“I guess what I’m saying is, I know how difficult it can be to tolerate this dickhead. The ugly truth is that if he continues to pitch well, my owner may be our only hope of bolstering a rotation that is in desperate need of playoff-caliber arms. If that statement made you taste a little bile, by all means welcome to the club.

“It’s a hard life being Brett Myers’ chinbeard. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t resigned my position as Kim Kardashian’s pubic hair. Thank you and good day.”

• SJ on Lenny Dykstra cameos in a DJ Jazzy Jeff Starter Hat commercial
• will.H on Look out, Ed Hardy — Shane Victorino has a brand new clothing line
• All these Crazy F'n Beardos on Lenny Dykstra cameos in a DJ Jazzy Jeff Starter Hat commercial
• All these Crazy F'n Beardos on Look out, Ed Hardy — Shane Victorino has a brand new clothing line
• bigmyc on Look out, Ed Hardy — Shane Victorino has a brand new clothing line