The Fightins'
Nails for Sale
Posted by at 6:17 pm ET 28 Comments

*Nov 24 - 00:05*Dude. Fuckin’ Nails here. You might have heard some shit about me lately, how I’m bankrupt and getting divorced and living out of my car and how I’m getting sued fuckin’ left and right.

Rest assured, all of that is completely true. But I’ve been in tougher situations than this before. Like the time I tried to start my own magazine and ended up not paying any of my staff, or our distributors, or the people who owned the property our offices were located in. Then my wife left me and the bank foreclosed on my house. Man, that was a sticky situation.

…Wait, that’s happening to me right now. Fuck. I need a cigarette.

[Finds half-extinguished butt on the pavement and takes a long, slow drag.]

Ugh! MENTHOL?!? Fuckin’ moolies. Sorry about that, sorry… I promised my lawyer I’d stop using racial epithets and calling people “faggot” and farting in their faces when they’d ask about the money I owed them. Fuckin’ vultures, dude, every single one of ‘em.

But it’s cool — this man has a plan. And when all is said and done, I’ll be back on top, getting rimjobs from Cramer and dispensing can’t-miss stock picks to you, the unwashed asses.

Here’s the plan: I’m selling my shit. And you’re buying it, motherfuckers.

Want a 1986 World Series ring? Bam. It’s yours. How about a game-worn Dwight Gooden jersey? Come and get it. You can still see the nosebleed stains on the front! That man did a lot of coke.

I can even get you those red-striped Zubaz pants Daulton used to wear all the time back in ’93. Hey, remember Daulton? What a wackjob, right? Thinks the world is ending in 2012 because of some Maya Angelou calendar. I don’t think I need to see that. Can you imagine what she must look like in a bikini? Christ — see you in twelve months, boner!

I won’t lie when I say I’ll miss a lot of this shit. Some of it brings back a lot of great memories, and great memories are more precious than gold. But you know what’s even more precious than that? Not sleeping in my fuckin’ car, dude.

Let the bidding begin!

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28 Responses to “Nails for Sale”

  1. Gonzo says:

    How about a game-worn Dwight Gooden jersey? Come and get it. You can still see the nosebleed stains on the front! That man did a lot of coke.


  2. Nolan says:

    I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  3. Gonzo says:

    Tug Haines and I will be live blogging the game tonight. Here is the link. I will approve all comments no later than 7pm.

  4. John says:

    woh, 2 posts in two days, unacceptable chamo

    after ur last post, we werent suppossed to hear from u until like november

  5. Swift says:

    Wow! A Salami for Jayson Werth.

  6. bigmyc says:

    These Nationals are the worst group of base runners since the ’85 Brandywine Youth Club Bobcats.

    These guys couldn’t take an easy base if you stashed one in the trunks of their cars.

    I haven’t seen so many guys doubled off since 2 for 1 night at the Bunny Ranch.

  7. Swift says:

    @bigmyc: **Slow Applause** Well done Sir. Well done.

  8. wildthng88 says:

    game recap?????

  9. Sit tight, wildthng. It’s on its way.

  10. Rudy says:

    Ryan chasing Henderson again and helping that run come home.

  11. Fink says:

    After seeing that photo of Lenny, I’m going to start walking around with a piece of licorice hanging from my mouth too. That is one cool look.

  12. Lynniemac says:

    @maria: If something like this happened in Philadelphia, we’d all know everything about the altercation within a half hour, tops. Sadly, Tampa “media coverage” is not quite the same and we may never know.

  13. maria says:

    I think we all knew that the Rays would fall back into obscurity. You also don’t yell at Pat Burrell, you bend down and praise him.

  14. Lynniemac says:

    Not according to Tampa fans on the interweb. “CC” is the All-Star MVP, you know. Apparently, that trumps being a WFC. It’s adorable, really.

  15. maria says:

    It’s good that they helped another AL team get home-field advantage. I mean it really worked out for them last year.

  16. Lynniemac says:

    I’d like to thank the AL for having home-field last year. If they hadn’t, the game 5 win wouldn’t have been nearly as good coming in the Trop.

    It seems the “altercation” consisted of Crawford yelling across the clubhouse at Burrell and Burrell pretty much ignoring him. Which is hilarious.

  17. Todd (ill) says:

    I would take Crawford over Burrell any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

  18. Tug Haines says:

    @Lynniemac: that’s what stood out to me, too.


    Pat Burrell: “…”

    This dude absorbed our fans’ special brand of fandom for what feels like a quarter of a century. I doubt Crawford could get to him, and furthermore, whatever set CC off was probably a perceived slight, all on his own part. Say what you want, this dude is pretty much unflappable.

    /ignores Burrell’s ejection the other day.

  19. James Fayleez says:

    Nails with the licorice hanging > Akyroyd with cig hanging out looking at Slimer

  20. Fightins Newbie says:

    I have this pity for Lenny, not sure why. He really looks terrible. Didnt he also harass some teenage girls at his car wash back in the day?
    I would only buy that ring for the sole purpose of giving it to the phanatic to smash during his rendition of new york new york….

  21. Lynniemac says:

    Tug, I laughed very out loud at your transcription of Crawford’s rant. Thank you for that. Burrell’s ejection (and the speed at which it happened) was awesome. Him saying afterward that he knew he was out and he knew he swung was awesomer.

  22. illafifth says:

    I say Elvis slobbered all over Crawford’s gear or something, and Tampa is scratching their collective Mohawk because they don’t even know who Elvis is. Man, those guys don’t deserve Pat down there… :\

  23. Lynniemac says:

    What does Elvis have that Carl Crawford doesn’t?

    World Series Bling.

  24. illafifth says:

    Damn straight, Lynniemac! Maybe that’s the real reason behind Crawford’s tantrum.

    (and sorry for derailing the Nails thread again here—just any opportunity to talk about Pat, ya know?)

  25. Lynniemac says:

    If you’re apologizing to me for threadjacking, illafifth, please don’t since I’m the one who took the Pat theme and ran with it. If you’re apologizing to everyone else, well, then I’m sorry, too.

  26. illafifth says:

    This post really did crack me up, for the record. Dykstra was probably my favorite Phillie when I was a wee girl; funny how some things turn out.

    Unlike some other things, that retain their cool… in spite of time/distance… and shitty poor circumstances… and—ah, screw it. Love and miss you, Pat!!!

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