Yesterday the Associated Press published a team-by-team breakdown of playoff moneys distributed after the 2008 postseason. As one might expect, the Phillies made out like fucking bandits, and rightfully so. Let’s just say Ryan Howard and Chase Utley are free to buy ten times their weight in $5 foot-longs and male lubricant, respectively.
For winning the World Series (pardon me a moment: EEEYEEEAAAH!), the Phillies get to split over $18 million from the players’ pool, which is cash collected from playoff gate receipts.
(Here’s something I did not know: Any team that finishes second in their division but does not earn a wild card is also entitled to a percentage of the players’ pool. So there you go, Mets: Enjoy your half-million dollar consolation prize! Why not treat yourselves to some polish for those nice new ballpark seats?)
With each full share coming to $351,504.48, our local heroes find themselves suddenly flush with some extra cash to blow, and just in time for the holidays!
While cleverly posing as a student reporter from a local college (Note to Larry Shenk: The University of the Arts newspaper doesn’t even HAVE a sports section, sucker!), I posed a question to several players and coaches asking them what they would do with the money. Here are just a few of their responses:
Shane Victorino: Invest in whatever it was Lenny Dykstra was talking about.
Eric Bruntlett: Buy 351,504 scratch-and-win lottery tickets. With that many, you’re bound to win something!
Joe Blanton: A full course of Jenny Craig meals. (Blanton: “Come to think of it, I should buy and eat twice as much, so I can lose weight that much faster.”)
Brad Lidge: Hiring a skywriter to fly over Albert Pujols’ home for a week continually writing, “SUCK IT.”
Matt Stairs: Wondering what the fuck he’s going to do with the equivalent of $10 in Canada.
If you think you know how some of our Fightin’ Phils should/will spend their playoff shares, feel free to elaborate in the Comments section.
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General
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:30 am
Holy shit. Imagine how many Ed Hardy shirts you could buy with that money!
If there is a God, Adam Eaton got the .039 of a partial playoff share.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Are we still allowed to make fun of loonies when the exchange rate is something like 1.2 to the dollar?
I am going to humbly suggest that all the Phils all chip in to get a razor to shave their chinbeards. I’ve never understood why these are so widely accepted in baseball. Especially Werth’s landing strip special. I am pro-facial hair, but that shit is disturbing.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
True story: my buddy was one of the higher ups in the ticketing department with the Phils. He left before this season started. If he stayed, he woulda got a WS Champioship ring.
Ouch.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:41 pm
I say they all contribute to the Sarge’s New Hat Fund.
And Shane can buy some new jeans. Those pics of him at the mall show huge gaping holes where there is supposed to be denim over his knees.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
E,
Ouch indeed. A painful case of bad timing.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Damn, you look like a douchey version of that kid from “Arrested Development”, Chamo.
Clay Condrey: 10,000 bags of Armadillo Jerky
So Taguchi: Billboards all across the city that say “Yes, I actually was on the World Series Roster”, so no one will throw their glass at him when he asks them to pick up his bar tab.
J.C. Romero: A tailor to correct the misspelling of his “El Roca” bowling jersey to the grammatically correct “La Roca” (?No habla espanol, Jaime Rollins?).
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Howdy,
That’s not me, sir. I’m considerably older and fatter.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I thought you were the one with the dollar sign glasses!?
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:08 pm
dude, Uarts sucks. i dropped out of that mistake after my freshman year. it’s CCC all the way.
Pat Burrell: One hooker a day, for the rest of his life.
Ryan Howard: 15 mil to change cooperstown into “The MMM Hall of Fame”
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
The most delicious part of the story:
New York Mets (Share of Players’ Pool: $511,593.28; value of each full share: $9,185.72)
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:40 pm
In the old days pool money was split up between the first four teams in each league. I believe it was the same when they went to two divisions in each league. Back when players weren’t making eleventeen gabillion a season, the extra 1000 or so that the guys on the fourth place team got was an incentive to keep playing hard to the end of the season. Remembering that suddenly makes me feel very old. I need to take a nap.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Shane Victorino: Should purchase thefightins.com since more than half the websites’ post include him.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Bob,
I think we would gladly accept that offer!
December 4th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Um… the Canadian Dollar is stronger and “werth” more than the US dollar…
351 504.00 USD = 448 940.91 CAD
I know Matt will only get a portion and not a full share, but that one home run in the post season was worth a hell of a lot more than just ten dollars.
December 4th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Canadians have currency!?!?
I thought they traded mules and woven baskets for blankets and mutton.
/xenophobe’d
December 6th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
[Um… the Canadian Dollar is stronger and “werth” more than the US dollar…]
Ir’s “werth” less, dude. Worth more would have the Canadian exchange value less than the U.S. (i.e., one dollar CDN would buy the equivalent of 1x dollars US).
That must be Canada’s answer to the bailout. “But we’re worth more, eh!”
(shakes head)