Hey, Brett here. Just sitting around, recouping from my surgery. Tell you what, it’s rare that a professional ball player like Yours Truly can take an extended period of time off during the regular season and spend that time reconnecting with his loved ones.
God-DAMN, was I bored.
Couldn’t hunt. Couldn’t fish. Couldn’t even take a playful swing at the missus without losing my damn balance and falling gut-first on the coffee table. I must have watched every single episode of “RAW” I recorded on our DVR for the last three months. Every single episode. Twice.
I was going out of my friggin’ mind.
Then one day I’m flipping around the ol’ satellite channels when I see this hefty-looking black chick yammering away about something called a “va-jay-jay.” Now, I don’t what the hell a va-jay-jay is, but all those women sitting up in the audience sure as hell knew. They started hooting and hollering like a pack of banshees. I was about to turn off Madame Claptrap and fall asleep, when my weaker half runs into the room asking me to keep this nonsense on. Whatever.
Then this “Okra” somebody holds up a book — you know, one of those New Age-looking, super-thick sumbitches. She tells her audience what a great read this thing is, and how it’s changed her life, blah blah blibbity blah. Get this: My wife, without missing a beat, starts writing down the title of the book, like she’s getting ready to run out and buy it that instant before she forgets.
“You can’t read,” I say lovingly.
“For the last time, Brett, I am in fact able to read,” you-know-who chirps. “I just wait until you’re asleep, so you won’t ask me to fix you a sandwich or hike up my nightgown and roll onto my side while I’m in the middle of a chapter.” Well, lah-dee-freakin’-dah, Mrs. Einstein!
I ask her, “What makes this lady so damned special that people are willing to do whatever she says?” “Because she is very influential when it comes to these things,” my wife says. “That’s one reason why she’s worth over a billion dollars.”
Well, slap me on a douchebag’s chin and call me a soul patch! I said, “Hol-ee shit. That broad makes a billion dollars just telling women what books to read?”
“Well, that’s just one segment of her show. Okra’s also engaged in several different charities and organizations that blahblahblahblahblahblahblah…” At that point I was no longer paying attention to whats-her-name. Instead, I started thinking about this book stuff. If some beach ball with hair could make that much dough telling a bunch of gullible chicks what books to read, why can’t I, Mr. Redneck Pride himself, do the same god-damned thing?
Hello, retirement plan!
Without further ado, I hereby present the first-ever installment of Brett Myers’s Book O’ The Month Club. I plan to review one girlie-girl book each month (whatever happens to be lying open on my wife’s nightstand), and give you my recommendation as to whether or not you should spend your hard-earned beer money on it. All I ask in exchange is a small yet substantial token of your gratitude. So get your pens and checkbook ready… here we go!
This Month’s Book: The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants
First off, I’d like to register a false-advertisement claim against the title of this book. The pants themselves do not move so much as an inch. Furthermore, while this “magical” pair of pants was traveling from one chick to the next, I had hoped that the other chicks would remain pants-less until it was their turn to wear them again. I am sad to report that this was not the case. Therefore, I cannot recommend this book to anyone.
I will add, though, that the movie — when combined with the right amount of post-surgery painkillers — was absolutely delightful, leaving me with a renewed sense of self-esteem and emotional fulfillment. Also, it starred that lumpy chick from “Ugly Betty,” and I’m pretty sure I would tap that.
Next Month: The Bridges of Madison County. (Kick-ass. I love bridges.)
39 Comments on “I Got Your Damned Culture”
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General
June 16th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Not funny
June 16th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
I’m impressed all those women knew who VaJayJay Putz is. (co-#1 Gay Name for a Mets Player on the link).
June 16th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
it starred that lumpy chick from “Ugly Betty,” and I’m pretty sure I would tap that.
Laugh out loud!
June 16th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
chamomiles has the worst posts on this site
June 16th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Ok sorry to use this annoying phrase but, epic fail
June 16th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Like a Ryan Howard strike out… you weren’t even close
June 16th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
How fat was the guy you photoshopped that Brett Myers head onto?
/look at the size of ‘dem digits!
June 16th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Dear Chamomiles,
that was HORRIBLE.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
If I imagine Brett as Kenny Powers its kind of funny.
June 16th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
this would be funny…if it was funny
June 16th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Tough crowd.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
This is one of those things that’s a great concept, but it just never works out. See: Brand, Elton. No hard feelings chamomiles.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
I liked it.
Lighten up fuckers, ask for a refund.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
That was about as effective as Clay Condrey tonight.
June 16th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Seriously — get rid of this guy, Meech. He brings nothing to the table. I love Dash’s game recaps, and your videos, and HDYSR’s rants, but Chamomiles Davis is just dead weight around here. I’m a somewhat-regular visitor to this site and I dread seeing a new post with his name at the top. (Harry, you’re absolutely right, man. Spot-fuckin’-on.)
When he does bother to write anything at all (what’s he good for, 2, maybe 3 posts a month — I hope you’re not paying him a salary), it’s lame humor like this post, or a tired rehash of something that wasn’t funny the first time around. (Another Celebrity Roast? Please.) Listen to your readers, Meech: Drop Chamomiles Davis (nice name, by the way; real clever) immediately, put Dash’s name on the masthead, and don’t look back.
(Chamo, stick to what you do best: Semi-humorous one-liners over at Deadspin. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and quit while you’re behind.)
June 16th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Why’s everyone rippin’ on Chamo? It wasn’t awful!
June 16th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Max, I bet before this deluge of rotten tomatoes, you actually liked what he wrote..
Know what? I did too. I thought that this was one of the better ones. “Slap me on a douche bags chin and call me a soul patch.” That’s good stuff.
June 17th, 2009 at 12:22 am
I’m a somewhat-regular visitor to this site and I dread seeing a new post with his name at the top.
You’re a semi regular? Then who are you? I know you don’t go by the name “who writes this crap”. Because if you want a guy to get fired from a job where he probably doesn’t even get paid, then you sir, are an epic fail. Just change the channel, dude. Go to the next post.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:08 am
Why is it when people don’t like something they read on the internet, they feel the need to complain about it and call for the author’s firing? If you don’t like Chamomiles’ posts, just look for his name and don’t read them. Problem solved and none of your time wasted.
Personally, I think the “Brett Myers beats his wife” thing is pretty played out, but the Ugly Betty line made me spit water on the keyboard so it was totally worth it.
June 17th, 2009 at 1:25 am
-silly posters complain about post.
-write something even more boring to make a point about how boring the post was.
-come back to TheFightins.com to see who commented about how boring their reply was about a post they thought was boring.
-wonder why they’re boring and their annoying girlfriend left them for being boring.
-lighten up, fuckwangs
June 17th, 2009 at 1:32 am
i mean people cant be critical of an article or author of the site? will someones feelings get hurt? i mean i really like this site and meech is the man so i dont like seeing some unfunny d-bag going by the name of chamomiles ruining it. i care for my main man meech, im not doing it just to make cham feel bad. if you disagree then you should probably be cheering for the mets because that’s the type of fans they have – big pussies
June 17th, 2009 at 2:09 am
Sokay Chamo, you’re just in a slump… You’ll get out of it. Just ask Jimmy… Or maybe you shouldn’t.. Depends on how those SportsCenter guys do…
June 17th, 2009 at 2:10 am
Well apparently we can’t use html in these comments… Bastards…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYNghEDTlYk
June 17th, 2009 at 2:12 am
Ya know what Harry? If you have to call him a d-bag, then you take this internet thing way too seriously. It sure is okay to be critical. I bet Chamo and all the writers appreciate it. There were about 12 comments here saying how bad this post was. Yet comment number 15 was the one that was unnecessary. And neither is calling him a d-bag. Those kind of personal shot are not needed here. If you support your man Meech, then be nice to his fellow writers.
June 17th, 2009 at 2:17 am
awesome harry, you’re really doing everyone a huge favor. lets make sure harry thinks everything is funny before we post it, cuz if its not it will really ruin the fightins. seriously, who cares? i can deal with an unfunny post (it was kind of funny) every now and then, cuz most of the shit on this site is pretty funny and i’m not going to complain about wasting 2 minutes to read a post that i didn’t pay for. but yea you’re right harry, i guess i’m just a big pussy for not being critical of an article. or i just don’t care and realize that not everything i read on this site is going to make me laugh, oh well big deal, i guess i’ll just wait a couple hours for a new post or check out 1 of the 1000 other phillie websites.
June 17th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Dude, it’s a fucking blog. Don’t like a post, don’t fucking read it. It’s not like you’re paying to read this site, so shut the fuck up. It’s amazing how people will take time out of their day just to complain about something like this. Fuck them, Chamomiles Dave. I love this site, and I can count on coming here everyday and having a laugh or two.
June 17th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I think there is a difference between being critical of a post (or just flat out saying you don’t like it) and calling the writer a d-bag and asking for him to be fired and calling other commenters Mets’ fans for having an opinion other than one’s own. But when in Rome…
Harry, please stop being an overly-critical douchebag Mets’ fan and fire yourself as a commenter. Thanks.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Chamo’s posts always make me laugh, including this one.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:32 am
just make a post about what a fag Harry is
June 17th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Too many haters in here! Give Chamo a break, it was still more entertaining than most of your lame attempts at insults.
June 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
All this hatin’ is fuel to Chamo’s fire
June 17th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Kick ass, I love bridges.
Go easy people, I chuckled.
June 17th, 2009 at 10:14 am
noquestionsaskedialwaysenjoyreadinghisposts.hesthekickstarterofthisblog
/Victorino’d
June 17th, 2009 at 11:29 am
I thought it was hilarious. Please be nice to me.
June 17th, 2009 at 11:50 am
harry, you have convinced us that you listen to B101
June 17th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Youre all haters. That shit was funny.
June 18th, 2009 at 4:21 am
@will.H
He listens to B101! LOL! That was great dude, made me laugh my ass off. Dunno why, but it did.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Hey blog très agréable!
February 3rd, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Saw your blog bookmarked on Delicious.