The opening round of the National League playoffs is upon us! Tomorrow afternoon the Phillies host the Milwaukee Brewers. Being the smack information junkies that we are, I thought I’d toss out a few morsels of knowledge about the players on both teams that our readers can chew on… with their brains. Today we look at the first basemen.

RYAN HOWARD

1. Every time he hits a home run, local sports restaurant Chickie & Pete’s donates a free bucket of crab fries to the “Ryan Howard Wants A Goddamn Bucket of Crab Fries” foundation.

2. According to baseball-reference.com, Howard’s preferred bat is a Mahogany Marucci RH6 Custom Cut. The idea to use this particular model first came to him in a dream, then again in the form of a multi-million dollar endorsement contract. But mostly that dream thingy.

3. Ryan Howard plans to improve his maligned athletic reputation by a strict daily regimen of running. Failing that, jogging. Failing that, walking briskly, then crouching in place and breathing heavily.

4. Recently spotted hanging out at a Philadelphia night club with none other than rap celebrity Snoop Dogg. Oh, you better believe there were buckets of crab fries eaten that night.

5. Arrested earlier this year for inflating online sales figures through his company’s web site. On second thought, that was probably a different Ryan Howard.

PRINCE FIELDER

1. Last year, at the age of 23, Fielder became the youngest baseball player ever to hit 50 home runs. Unfortunately, he also holds the titles of “heaviest vegetarian” and “least-funky black man to be named ‘Prince.’”

2. A widely-circulated photo of Fielder as the all-too-enthusiastic recipient of a celebratory champagne bukakke will in no way be used against him by opposing fans, his teammates, his future teammates, his children or their bullies.

3. Bats: Left  Throws: Right  Breaks: Just like a little girl.

4. Prince is the 260-pound son of 240-pound former player Cecil “Big Daddy” Fielder. Both men would be first-ballot locks for my planned “Rotund African-American Baseball Player Hall of Fame.” There they would join such luminaries as Tony Gwynn, Kirby Puckett and, oddly enough, Cole Hamels.

5. Although technically not an actual prince, Fielder has alerted me to the fact that his native country’s assets have been frozen in a Swiss bank account, and that all I need to claim a percentage of this great fortune is to supply him with my Social Security number and a blank check.

COMING SOON: Two other guys!

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